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Original poster

To feel frustrated with friend

904 replies

Fabaunt · 29/01/2019 13:45

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

OP posts:
allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 29/01/2019 16:42

On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards

In this house, we would regard cinema and dinner as an expensive night out. I suggest you stick to walks in the park and visits at home, which don't have to cost anything at all

And if you give a present, it's up to the recipient what they do with it. But if they're selling gifts quickly ie without even using them first, then cut back on the gifts. Or say that instead of buying a gift, you'd like to take the child to the cinema / a day trip

artisanscotcheggs · 29/01/2019 16:43

Good lord they are taking the piss. You're a lovely person for wanting to make things work, but truthfully the only way this will right itself is if you and your husband stop enabling them, which is what this is really.

I have fibro and I do lots of things, yes it bloody hurts but you have to make the effort.

LilQueenie · 29/01/2019 16:43

blood means nothing. Its how you treat others that matters.

Petalflowers · 29/01/2019 16:49

He can’t work because he is,loosing weight and spending time at the gym (who pays for that?!)! The majority of my friends who go to slimming world manage to,hold down jobs.

Poloshot · 29/01/2019 16:49

He doesn't work because he wants to lose weight? What a free loading disgrace

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 29/01/2019 16:52

I have a friend like this. Basically I have to be upfront at the beginning. So if you arrange a night out make sure it’s somewhere dead cheap that won’t cost you too much when they don’t pay - not cinema or honeymoons!
I agree that it’s dinner round at yours more times then going out. If they suggest otherwise remind them that they haven’t got the money and you wouldn’t want to put them in that position.
I would only give cash or vouchers for presents in future and then you can ask what they got the kids with it, But I’m mean!

BMW6 · 29/01/2019 16:53

Frankly I'd rather have no relatives at all than a pair of wankers like this.

Mitzimaybe · 29/01/2019 16:56

Re the honeymoon - just no, it's a honeymoon FFS. End of discussion.

Re the wedding - of course your parents aren't invited. If you can't look after your own children at the wedding then don't bring them, like we suggested in the first place. End of discussion.

NorksAreMessy · 29/01/2019 17:00
Hmm
billybagpuss · 29/01/2019 17:02

I do think you need to have a chat with them that you are saving for a wedding so can't afford to buy them dinner, you'll have to split it. Maybe start buying the boys experiences for birthday and Christmas gifts, things they can not ebay.

SalemtheBIackCat · 29/01/2019 17:03

May I suggest something? Please, PLEASE send her a link to here; word it however you want; "get a load of this!" or whatever. She really truly seems to have no idea how she comes across, and I think she truly needs to know. Even if you do it anonymously somehow.

Secondly, have you told her you know she sells off your presents to her DC?

Omzlas · 29/01/2019 17:12

Stop subbing them

Stop being a pushover

They're taking the piss but you're (You both) allowing it

I'm still stuck on "he doesn't work because he's trying to lose a load of weight and meal prep"
What that means: he CBA

I lost 4 stone through hard work and whilst juggling 2 kids, a house and a PT job. He's lazy. End of.

Gina2012 · 29/01/2019 17:17

but I just hope she doesn’t stop my DP and her DH from having some sort of relationship because they’re the only blood each other have

Who made her Queen of their relationship?

Are they men or wimps?

Jesus - this is a WEIRD thread Hmm

ConkerGame · 29/01/2019 17:20

OP I feel for you. DP and I have a similar situation with his sibling and their partner (although without the prior friendship) and it is very difficult when it involves family. If they were just friends, we would just stop seeing them (and I would advise you to do the same if the brother link wasn’t there). But when it’s family it’s not so easy, especially if there are children involved.

In our case we have sadly made the decision to go as low contact as possible as we simply don’t enjoy spending time with them. So we only see them for birthdays, Christmas, weddings etc and give away as little detail as possible about the things we are up to. The conversation revolves around small talk and us asking them what they are up to. If they directly ask us then we just say “oh you know, the usual - work and getting in our exercise where we can”. If they ask directly about holidays we say we’re hoping to go one soon but haven’t planned where yet.

In your situation I would say a strong “no” to the honeymoon request. I would act shocked that they had even asked and say “well obviously this is an intimate trip for DP and I and we don’t want anyone else around!” Do not give them any info at all about where you are staying. If they say they need a holiday then tell them to book their own separate one.

Stop meeting up with them socially. If you need to see them for a birthday or other family celebration then host a tea at your house so you can control the costs. For your nephews presents, I would say you want to spend quality time with them rather than giving material things and then take them out for treat days without their parents.

Good luck with it all, I know how horrible it is when people resent you for your “good luck” when actually it’s your hard work! There is nothing you can say to change their attitude so best to just avoid them as much as you can. Stop seeing SIL as a friend - she doesn’t treat you like one at all.

OutPinked · 29/01/2019 17:27

He doesn’t work because he is losing weight full time? What the fuck. Lazy bastard.

They’re entitled and selfish, you don’t need friends like this in your life.

Nothisispatrick · 29/01/2019 17:34

Jeez grow a pair, OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/01/2019 17:40

I would not be seeing them much at all or socialising with them, they are freeloaders.

Gazelda · 29/01/2019 17:56

and he doesn’t work because he is working on losing a lot of weight so he preps his meals and goes to the gym every day to stay on track.

TBF, I can see his logic. I don't work at the moment because I'm trying to grow my nails and employment would interfere with my efforts. You've got to admire his dedication.

OP, she's not a friend. You're going to get sucked further and further into their debt-driven CF lifestyle if you don't put a stop to this now. Let DP and his DB sort their own relationship while you keep your distance.

BlancheM · 29/01/2019 18:07

This is madness. If they ever ask for another penny, just be frank and say their money grabbing is getting out of hand and no.
Some people think the world owes them things other people see as luxuries. They will end up in loads of debt but they're being encouraged to believe their expectations are normal as long as you and others keep treating them.

SaturdayNext · 29/01/2019 18:11

My man always says you shouldn’t pay too much heed to him, he has a big mouth but a good heart.

Then he should definitely stop paying ANY heed to all the attempts to cadge money, free holidays, meals out, loans, etc etc etc. Does your DP seriously endorse the bollocks about being unable to work due to the need to lose weight?

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2019 18:16

DP would tell him he is a knob but accept that’s just how he is.

Is it hell 'just how he is'.

It's a choice. One that people around him enable. If they didn't he'd have to buck his ideas up.

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/01/2019 18:21

Sorry OP - I don't have any sympathy for you whatsoever.

You're behaving in such a pathetically passive way. As if you're not allowed to say 'no'. Confused

So what if she stands at the cinema counter and waits for you to get your purse out?! So what? You blithely pay for yourself, and leave her to it. Why would you assume you're paying for her? I mean, she doesn't even ask? She just stands there...?

This is so far-fetched it's unreal. I can't believe anyone is so without any cop-on or gumption that they've just been putting up with such anti-social behaviour, without even seemingly realising they can just say no.

SoyDora · 29/01/2019 18:26

How are they getting loans if neither of them work? Loan companies usually require an income to pay them back.

Fairenuff · 29/01/2019 18:29

...we would go to cinema she just would stand there and wouldn’t take her purse out. So I would pay...

You do that once. Next time you stand there and say it's your turn, I paid last time. If she says she has no money you say I guess we're going home then.

You don't let this go on and on like you have. It's ridiculous. How can you not see how silly you are being?

ENormaSnob · 29/01/2019 18:43

They're scrounging cunts.

You're an utter mug.