To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

What pair of cheeky fuckers to tag along on some else's honeymoon and expect to be subbed the whole time

I'd love to earwig what stories he spins to the DWP to keep getting his benefits!

Frankly I'd go NC with BOTH of them and tell them exactly why. You really don't need these freeloading entitled gits in your lives or at your wedding.

Your post has made me irrationally angry.

She has fibromyalgia but tbh it does sound as though perhaps she could work - not full time. I know it’s subjective. I have fibro amongst other things and am too ill to work. But then I am also too ill to socialise and take trips to NY. Holidays for me are all inclusive, with a room near the amenities and need wheelchair assist to fly. That’s too ill to work. It may be that she would be made ill by working. But it’s something she should try.

As for training and losing weight and not working, I’m astounded. With all the time fibro girl has she could make him packed salad. I do this for dh every day for work. He does sport 2/3 times a week and drives an hour each way.

Don’t let these people scrounge of you anymore. Ignore ignore the competition they’ve set up and keep your cards and money glued in your purse / wallet.

They have decided their lifestyle will be funded by defrauding companies and bullying friends and family. You don’t have to go along with this.

Op before long you won't be able to afford your life because you will be too busy paying for theirs!!
Back away.

Bare minimum contact.
Zero socialising.
Nil guilt.

They're spongers, pure and simple. I appreciate this has crept up on you, but don’t stand for it a day longer. I’ve had (past tense) ‘friends’ like this. Never got a job, want to do all the fun stuff anyway. I can still hear one of them say ‘but you’ve always got money!’ in her whiny voice like a kid who’s been told no more sweets. Honestly, grow a steel backbone right now, don’t give them a penny more, never mind join your honeymoon, ffs!!! They are treating you like surrogate parents, get your partner onside, he’s being mugged off the most by the sound of it and his brother is NOT your problem, either of you. Brother can get a job and stop believing it’s ‘luck’ that your man is working, it’s never luck, it’s about hard graft. I cannot believe their brass neck. If they keep spending like they are on your wages, tough, they can apply for bankruptcy and learn to be adults for their kids. If this makes you feel mean (you both sound far too nice), maybe tot up all the costs you’ve already paid out to them and look at that figure and get angry! That money was yours and now it’s gone. It’s a kind of nicey nicey mugging each and every time. Plus your feelings are not even considered, that is not the behaviour of a friend, she’s self centred, end of story. That would make me angry too.

HOw can they afford a cruise or NY holiday if they don't work?

Until then, i was quite sympathetic to them about the holiday event. If they had clearly stated they had no more money, then you shouldn't have suggested meal and dinner, which is very expensive night out. If they had already said they were out of spending money, and you suggested that, i am not surprised they thought you were paying.

somewhat less sympathetic after the honey moon thing adn your updates.

I work hard.

Me too. Don’t keep banging on about designer shoes and trips to NYC.

She said they didn’t want to spend money, you chose a cinema trip and dinner. That’s around 80-100 per couple.

Clearly you don’t like them, why not just say no? Or do you love being the “saviour”

Because they keep taking out loans on the back of her compensation claim she hopes to receive

Not sure what loan companies are ever going to lend to a pair of unemployed people??

If that's what they're telling you I'd take it with a pinch of salt. They're obviously getting the money from somewhere else

Cinema trips - order your own ticket online or walk up to the cash desk and say one ticket please, pay and step aside and let her pay her own. Take your own snacks. No way would I allow myself to be treated like a cash cow by anyone.
Their life is their choice not anyone else's.

Their dynamics are totally skewed in the relationship too. He feels that it is her responsibility to keep the house clean because she doesn’t work, she feels that cleaning gives her anxiety and so it should be up to him and that there is not much point in cleaning with small kids because they’ll have it in a state very soon afterwards. I would cook evening meals for myself and my DP during the week and on his days off he cooks. She feels it is her dhs responsibility to prepare his own meals that are SW friendly (she doesn’t eat veg). I would kind of agree with her as my DP is doing personal training to be fit for wedding and honeymoon and for his mental health, he does his own meal prep (lunch etc) whereas I would do the main evening meal that would be suitable for him.

She said they didn’t want to spend money, you chose a cinema trip and dinner. That’s around 80-100 per couple.
We were in another country, she wanted a quiet night in (not out drinking). Myself and DP were quite happy to go out alone, we were on a mini break, and we do need to eat. They chose to come with us. Then they ordered cocktails and beer, and starter and she had duck. I didn’t order her food.

I mentioned I bought designer shoes for my wedding that she is trying to upstage, and that as part of my honeymoon we’re going to NYC, which they’ve also invited themselves along to. I feel it’s relevant

he doesn’t work because he is working on losing a lot of weight so he preps his meals and goes to the gym every day to stay on track

What now?

A job where he is on his feet all day would probably help him get rid of the extra weight too.

Bin the pair of them off.

Did you meet your dp through her or did you meet her through your dp?

Just wondering if it's the 1st was she always like this?

This is absolutely bonkers. I just can't get over CF DH not working so he can focus on losing weight.

All the rest is crazy too. These people are brass neck CFs and I can't see a way forward unless you go very LC.

They sound like a pair of grabbing cunts and I would be distancing myself.

But then I wouldn't have paid for their meals/drinks/cinema tickets.

The NYC honeymoon thing is a doddle to sort out - tell them that under no circs will they be gate-crashing your honeymoon as, you know, its your honeymoon and you want to be alone and naked for the majority of it!!

Speechless at demanding matching converse and selling the gifts on Fb!

And as for....”he doesn’t work because he is working on losing a lot of weight so he preps his meals and goes to the gym every day to stay on track”. Please god tell me that he isnt claiming benefits?! I want to give lots of money to people who need it - who genuinely cant work or have fallen on hard times in some other way. Just because he finds My fitness pal a bit onerous is NOT a reason not to work!!

I have posted about my ex friend. Pleaded poverty so I always paid for lunch /coffees etc.
One day she turned up in a new Mercedes convertible.
I felt a right mug.
Don't be a mug anymore op.

Did you meet your dp through her or did you meet her through your dp?
Met her through my DP. We lived in different cities and she was from where we are living initially. They would come stay with us. Back then they had no children so it wasn’t as evident. It’s slowly got worse over the years.

They are bone idle scrounging scumbags and I fail to understand why you call her your friend, let alone best friend. No friend would behave the way she has. I would tell them both to fuck themselves and go NC, after sacking her as a bridesmaid.

Hands up if you are a tax payer and happy that your tax pays for blobs like this via benefits? They are off to the gym and New York using your hard earned money.

Good for you OP, going to the gym and buying nice things. You deserve to because you work hard. I bet the blob won't be found in the gym at 5.30am.

DH needs to put in some big girl pants and speak to his Brother.

Sorry but we want the HONEYMOON to be just us. New York is great though, perhaps we can help baby sit and you and DW can go alone.

Sorry but we want the HONEYMOON to be just us. But we've also had to save a long hard for it as its very expensive. Do you think its such a good idea going atm when you're not working. We could help babysit when they're older and you can afford it

You know that they are fully expecting you to fund their NYC trip right? And her fucking Louboutins! You have, quite rightly, chosen to spend money on them - its your money and you work hard for it. Bet you she will demand you pay for hers as ‘it’s not fair’ otherwise! Even though you have already bought the bm’s wedding shoes.

If they didnt have children, I would be fervently praying that she does not get compensation claim no.2!!

I would really be backing off these people - horrible scroungers.

PS, sometimes people talk themselves into a disability, I can think of several people I’ve known like that and I’m being quite serious, as ridiculous as it sounds. Then they have a convenient excuse to never ever work. She chose that path. You don't need anyone's permission to cut them out of your life, which is what I would do - and have done in the past.

You'd be stupid to let them come on your honeymoon. Really why don't you talk with your partner and say no more, both of you on the same page and united, don't let hysterics and drama sway you but cut them off now. Also having her as bridesmaid is a mistake, by the sounds if it she will ask you or your partner for money for her fancy shoes.

Stop enabling them both and maybe they will learn to grow up and get a job. You'd be doing them a favour.

I am so sorry for your loss 💐

A honeymoon is for two recently married people not for relatives who want to tag along, just say NO this is our honeymoon and time together so we will not be sharing that time with anyone else.

If she gets arsey tough shit.