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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel frustrated with friend

904 replies

Fabaunt · 29/01/2019 13:45

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

OP posts:

NameWithChange · 24/02/2019 21:08

I think it is absolutely fine for you to babysit (unless you are busy doing something else!). Quite nice to see them as you said.

You just need to draw the boundaries and stick to them.

This is your chance to rise above all the bullshit, be the caring Auntie that you are and behave appropriately and decently. Then business as usual - the new version not the old!

But yes, avoid all conversation about the letter.

Holidayshopping · 24/02/2019 21:13

I don’t need that. I feel free of negative energy.

I think if you do babysit, you will be posting on here the next day with a list of things they have done to piss you off. If you want to keep feeling free of negativity, don’t do it.

doobyooby · 24/02/2019 21:26

Seriously?

She behaves appallingly.
She calls you names.
She writes you a ten page letter full of accusations.
A few days later they ask you to babysit....and you're thinking of saying yes?

I thought you said you wanted this relationship to change? If you babysit you'll be back to being an complete spineless doormat again and proven that she can do and say whatever she wants and then when she says "jump" , you say "of course, how high? "

showerpower · 24/02/2019 21:36

Say no, they're continuing to take the piss. If she wants to use her kids to guilt trip you then let her and ignore it, she can't do it forever.

gambaspilpil · 24/02/2019 21:38

so you receive a ten page letter saying your a shit friend, lack emotions and have disowned your nephews and then your OH gets phone call from BIL asking if you can babysit? I think you need to resolve all the other dynamics before jumping to agree. My OH family is like this, create a shit storm, lots of high expressed emotions and then they try and pretend nothing ever happened and go back to normal. Its not healthy and you all need to sort all this out.

SparkiePolastri · 24/02/2019 22:16

She sends you a letter telling you how inadequate you are as a human being...

...and then asks you to look after her most precious possessions?

And you're OK with that?

Of course you want to maintain a relationship with your nephews, but surely you can see that right now isn't the time to be saying OK to these requests...?

Set some boundaries. All of your problems with this woman boil down to you being seemingly unable to set any boundaries with her.

Tell her that in the future you can well imagine you'll both be in a place to be able to do this for them. But right now it's not possible. You're digesting her letter that sets out all your faults, and don't think it would be even vaguely appropriately to babysit their kids for them for the foreseeable future. Find some other mug.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 24/02/2019 22:29

I feel you need to tell them that asking you both to babysit immediately after sending that insulting letter is completely inappropriate and shows a complete lack of understanding of the current situation.

You hope you will eventually be able to forgive her but at the moment it is all too recent.

YogaWannabe · 24/02/2019 22:33

Is there more to this OP? Because I’m really struggling to comprehend her gall, ten page essay then asking you to babysit? What?!

TimeIhadaNameChange · 24/02/2019 22:34

Does BIL know about the letter?

Drum2018 · 24/02/2019 22:41

Oh please don't get sucked back in. Given the letter she wrote there is no way in hell I'd do her any favours. They won't collect on time, she'll give out afterwards for any reason at all and you'll be full of anxiety and back to square one. You've come a long way since your original post. Don't go backwards now. All your Dh needs to say is, it doesnt suit.

Motoko · 24/02/2019 22:46

You'd be a fool to even consider it.

After that letter, it would be totally inappropriate to babysit.

Original poster

Fabaunt · 24/02/2019 23:19

@yogawannabe

No there’s not more to it at the moment. I think she probably feels like she’s got it all out why she’s upset with me and probably feels like she’s forgiven me maybe? Or maybe she’s really stuck for a babysitter.

I miss the boys and am tempted to have them but you’re right, it wouldn’t be sending a clear message after all that has happened,

OP posts:

Grumpelstilskin · 24/02/2019 23:21

If you babysat them now after all of that, then you are an idiot. I also don't get why you bothered to read the entire letter. You need to stop engaging and continuing the drama.

Original poster

Fabaunt · 24/02/2019 23:24

@grump I haven’t engaged whatsoever with her since. I’ve ignored passive aggressive digs, ignored texts, ignored her letter.

OP posts:

CantStopMeNow · 25/02/2019 01:14

Her family are having some sort of a family party
What - and her children are not family?
She's not 'hurt/upset/offended' etc that her own family don't want her dc there?
Or are they choosing not to take dc?
None of it makes sense no matter which angle you look at it from.

Don't fall for her games OP.

She's having you on OP.

SparkiePolastri · 25/02/2019 02:26

😂 Such a blindingly obvious good point from @CantStopMeNow!

Uggywuggy · 25/02/2019 06:00

Yep I think she’s testing you, seeing if you’ll now fall back into line after her letter. If you babysit, she’ll see it as you acknowledging that what she wrote in that letter was correct and will expect everything to go back as it was before.

You’re caught in a hard place. You can’t allow her to continue to treat you in the appalling way she has, but you would still like a relationship with your nephews...I think say no to this and a couple of more favours and then babysit, she (hopefully) won’t take you so for granted next time!!

Great that you are getting the wedding you want!!!

NewUserNamePostedBefore · 25/02/2019 07:41

I’m loving this thread.... it’s not often you find out what happens afterwards.

I can’t believe they put a request in for another present!! It’s sooo cheeky!!

Will you end up babysitting?

Also, when is the wedding?

This woman is mentally unhinges! I can’t believe all the expectations she has of you. You were right to put your foot down when you did.

NewUserNamePostedBefore · 25/02/2019 07:42

*unhinged

ConfusedAngryWorried · 25/02/2019 07:56

OP I wouldn't babysit the kids are too young to be hurt by not seeing you. If you do babysit do it at yours so that they have the inconvenience of dropping off and picking up.

I think her behaviour is horrible but i can understand not wanting to lose the relationship with your DNs. However i would let some time past before finding a new normal level of relationship to help 'reset'.

Fairenuff · 25/02/2019 08:27

This is just another test to see if you'll do their bidding. It's made up bollocks. Family party my arse.

LunafortJest · 25/02/2019 09:17

OP why don't you do the same? Why don't you write her a letter, explaining all the things you are hurt about? It may be easier to get it all out on paper. She can't run from the room then. I think you really need to do that, she really needs to read the truth.

Motoko · 25/02/2019 09:30

It won't make any difference to her behaviour. She's not going to suddenly see the light. She firmly believes she is the victim here, and OP the aggressor.

If OP sends her a letter, she'll go around showing it to everyone, to highlight what a bitch OP is, and garner sympathy. If anyone asks her to explain a situation OP has written about, she'll twist it, to make OP look like the unreasonable one, and they'll all be cooing over her, telling her how sorry they are that she's been so badly treated.

Nah, not worth it. OP's best course of action is to pretend her ex-friend doesn't exist.

Holidayshopping · 25/02/2019 10:06

No there’s not more to it at the moment. I think she probably feels like she’s got it all out why she’s upset with me and probably feels like she’s forgiven me maybe?

Forgiven you? For what!? She has written a complete character assassination of you and is now still asking for favours! Forgiven you!!?

She has shown you exactly who she is-I just don’t get why you would even consider babysitting for her. Don’t let anyone treat you this badly.

One more thing-didn’t she have a massive stop because you aren’t having kids at your wedding, yet she is now going to a family party without her kids??

woolduvet · 25/02/2019 10:11

An excellent point about why aren't the children invited.

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