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Original poster

To feel frustrated with friend

904 replies

Fabaunt · 29/01/2019 13:45

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 25/02/2019 22:17

Wow! Well done, OP and your DP. He sounds fab!

hellsbellsmelons · 26/02/2019 04:05

Great reply from your DP.
Give him a big hug from MN

CoraPirbright · 26/02/2019 09:16

Utterly superb response from your DP!! Am quite breathless reading it so can only imagine being on the actual receiving end of it. I wonder if it will cause even a moments reflection .....not from her, perhaps, but possibly from BIL?

They are really going to start feeling the pinch soon without you bank rolling them. What?! No holidays?! No Louboutins?! What do you mean, most people have to work for these things?? I AM OWED!!!!!

Original poster
Fabaunt · 26/02/2019 09:45

Thanks everyone, I am so incredibly lucky with my DP. He truely is my best friend. BIL rang him last night, and I didn’t get the gory blow by blow account (you know what men are like on details!) but bil basically said what I wrote at the very beginning. We’re all family, and family help each other out in hard times. That we’re lucky to be in a position where money isn’t an issue for us and family don’t make other family feel bad about their position. He said she is very upset about being banned (his words not ours) from the wedding considering she put so much work into it with me. DP said that was the problem, that I didn’t want kids at the wedding and that we wanted to honeymoon alone like a normal just wed couple, that this wasn’t her wedding it was ours.

DP said he didn’t mention the letter or he didn’t say anything about us not babysitting. So basically it was just a phone call to try strong arm us back to where we were.

At the end of the call BIL said just to leave me and her to it and let us sort it out for ourselves. DP said fine, whatever. But DP is done.

Like I got all my frustrations out on the thread, drip feeding as I remembered it. He’s started to do the same to me last night. There was an incident where they invited us over for a BBQ last summer and DP and BIL went to the supermarket for supplies, and at the till, BIL stood back and told DP to pay for it, he didn’t have money. DP said he didn’t have his wallet, and BIL said “you’re wearing your Apple Watch!”

DP never really mentions stuff like that to me but last night, he reminded me of how I was on this thread.

I genuinely think this is the end of it now because there is no coming back from us, he’s not even bothered with his brother. Any requests in future will be just laughed at.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 26/02/2019 09:52

That we’re lucky to be in a position where money isn’t an issue for us

OP don't be mean. Let him into your secret. Tell him you got one of those job thingies that lets you buy stuff.

Holidayshopping · 26/02/2019 09:54

At the end of the call BIL said just to leave me and her to it and let us sort it out for ourselves.

Roughly translated as: Ok, so my wife (horrible friend) will go back to manipulating OP into doing exactly what she wants, please stop interfering!

Triglesoffy · 26/02/2019 09:58

Blimey. Your BIL and SIL feel bad because they know that they’re in the wrong but they won’t admit it - so they try to make you look bad instead, so that they feel better about themselves.

LunafortJest · 26/02/2019 09:59

OP, you really, really need to write her a letter. Or BIL. You really need to. You are not getting your side out, unless she is on here. She and he will never learn unless you tell it to them. Your DP not telling your brother about how they are using you, is case in point. Not much point telling you about the til story, is there? He NEEDS TO TELL DB. I support you but you are doing my head in. For goodness sake, write her that letter!!!! ffs

Jux · 26/02/2019 11:17

Don't waste your energy writing her a letter, she'll use it against you as she will with anything else.

Leave it, like dp said to his broth: He is done and now you are done.

Snippets will pop up as they do, and I hope that soon you will be able to laugh at them together, though I imagine atm you'll both be open-mouthed as each little thing bubbles up out of memory.

captainpantbeard · 26/02/2019 12:02

Really, really, don't write her a letter.

(I get the impression you have no intention of doing so but just wanted to say it as it's really the worst idea)

appointmentsaretheworst · 26/02/2019 12:16

Don't write her a letter, that's just wrestling with a pig.

AvaTheGardener · 26/02/2019 12:32

yes, don't write the letter. Chances are segments of it will start appearing out of context on her Facebook feed...

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/02/2019 14:43

"OP don't be mean. Let him into your secret. Tell him you got one of those job thingies that lets you buy stuff."
GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

"OP, you really, really need to write her a letter. Or BIL. You really need to. You are not getting your side out, unless she is on here. She and he will never learn unless you tell it to them."
I agree with other posters, writing a letter would be a very bad idea and she would absolutely be selective in her quotes to have yet another go at you. Don't hand her ammunition! Besides, they will never learn, full stop. They've been told to their faces, having it in writing will make no difference. Bad, bad, bad idea.

"Any requests in future will be just laughed at."
Definitely the way to go.

Raspberrytruffle · 26/02/2019 18:50

I'm wondering how long it is until batshit sil starts with the attention seeking posts on FB about how you can't rely on FB. My sil pulled that shit too and I simply responded with the laughing emoticon. You are well rid I'm sure she will rope some other victims in to sick dry Grin

SparkiePolastri · 26/02/2019 18:54

That is such bad advice @LunafortJest - you just want to Fabaunt to write the letter for your own satisfaction, whether you admit it or not.

Because putting everything in writing, and then sending it out into the world, would categorically not end well for Fab.

LunafortJest · 26/02/2019 18:58

Ok wtf is wrong with people saying it won't end well for Fabaunt? So, it does for the SIL when she writes one, but not for Fabaunt?? Those advising against writing a letter are giving bad advice. They are basically enabling the CFs, and they are the reason CFs like this SIL exist.

SparkiePolastri · 26/02/2019 19:07

How had it ended well for SIL?!

The OP is now effectively cutting her out of her life?

Once that letter is out there, SIL can do with it whatever she wants. Spin it to people whichever way she wants. Fab's private matters become public property.

Do you honestly think SIL is going to respond well to such a letter...? Take any of it in? Reflect and change her behaviour? Of course she won't.

Motoko · 26/02/2019 19:18

SIL is not getting away with it. She's lost her babysitter and moneybox. Without OP's money, she's going to find it very difficult to keep up her lifestyle.

We are not giving bad advice, YOU are.

SparkiePolastri · 26/02/2019 19:26

I mean, Fab is the recipient of a letter.

Has she changed her mind about a single thing?

beanaseireann · 26/02/2019 19:44

I love it Fairenuff Grin
"Tell him you got one of those job thingies that lets you buy stuff!"

I'll use that line when dh moans surreptitiously about my spending Smile
"But dh, I've got one of those job thingies that lets me buy stuff!"

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/02/2019 20:30

Exactly. THE WHOLE "She and he will never learn unless you tell it to them" - no. These CFs will simply never learn. They are too far gone to learn.

AhNowTed · 26/02/2019 21:00

I am flabbergasted by the extreme cheeky fuckery and sheer brass neck of these two.

Literally OMFG.

I also concur with not sending a letter. It will only feed the beast, and OP has already disengaged, I hope for good.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 26/02/2019 21:05

We’re all family, and family help each other out in hard times. That we’re lucky to be in a position where money isn’t an issue for us and family don’t make other family feel bad about their position.

This is the bit that annoys me - it isn't luck. It's hard work and long hours.

AhNowTed · 26/02/2019 21:10

The bit for me @MyShinyWhiteTeeth is the generosity is all one way traffic.

Easy to say family helps family when you're the only beneficiary!

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 26/02/2019 21:53

I do like the comment about those 'job thingies that lets you buy stuff' too.

Your comment AhNowTed about one way traffic reminds me of a family member who has high expectations of what others will do for him lift-wise. He plans with other family members generosity in mind without having any previous agreement from them to grant any favours. The one time he returned the generosity he charged for petrol.

It is so hard to change long established family dynamics.

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