To feel frustrated with friend

[Fabaunt]

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.

My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.

If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.

I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

Just read the entire thread
I would have long ago expellled her from my life

Have you blocked her on social media yet?

Waffles she’s on a restricted friends list on my Facebook.

I would write a letter back to her explaining how she's used you as a bank roll and how their appreciation is lacking

First let me say that I completely understand how a person who is usually strong and outspoken can end up being taken advantage of by trusted friends and family members. In some ways that probably makes it even harder for you to recognise when it’s happening. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you to confront your friend but you did the right thing, even if somehow she still doesn’t get it. You have over a year until the wedding so I would just let things lie for a month or two and see how you feel then.

Also, I am genuinely sorry to derail but I must ask you a question that I can’t ask IRL. I would start a separate thread but that’s been done many times before and nobody who actually does it ever responds. I honestly don’t mean to sound snarky and I apologise if it comes off that way.

Your grammar and spelling seems fine overall and you certainly don’t seem uneducated. Why do you sometimes decide to randomly use the word “myself” instead of “I” or “me” and “herself” instead of “she” or “her”? For example, you wrote that “myself and DP are getting married” and “her DH and herself were broke.” Is there a particular reason why you wouldn’t just say “my DP and I are getting married” and “she and her DH were broke”?

I know this usage is gaining traction and perhaps one day soon it will be considered correct. But I still don’t understand it. I’ve heard that some “less polished” people think it makes them sound posh or formal, but based on your posts you don’t seem to fit that profile. Were you taught to use the “-self” pronouns in certain contexts or sentence types? Would you say it the same way verbally or is it just a written thing?

I really am curious about this and I would be grateful for any explanation from OP or anyone else.

I sum free PepsiLola

Come Monday, hey I don’t mind you asking at all but I’m afraid I can’t answer you. I type how I speak and I don’t really give consideration to my grammar while typing. I probably do have awful grammar but, what I’m typing is what I’d say! Probably needed to pay better attention in school 😂

Fabaunt are you feeling happier now for changing the nature of this relationship?

Snog yes. I wasn’t unhappy before, more frustrated and then just felt like a massive tit because I didn’t realize how much of a mug I was being taken for. I am glad that I’ll get the wedding I wanted, child free, and I am relieved to see her for what she is. She is someone with absolutely no self awareness and genuinely thinks I’m the big bad wolf. To describe me as lacking the caring nature she was blessed with, while she never once acknowledges our babies anniversary/birthday, and to be jealous my sister has a baby and that I’m spending time with her baby, that she’s obviously stalking on Facebook, is just showing me an outstanding lack of self awareness.

I don’t need that. I feel free of negative energy.

I imagine in a years time when you realise just how much negativity you've removed you'll be flabbergasted you lasted so long.

I cut a horrible friend from my life, and it's weird now to even think I accepted so much for so long

Just read this, and sorry you have had a difficult time dealing with this. It definitely sounds like she and her DH think the world revolves around them and everyone else is purely there to provide for them. You are just some large extended family making sure that they are well supplied. Even down to everyone having jobs to earn money while that is not how they prefer to waste their time.

They would be keen to keep you childfree as that means more time and money available to them. For some strange reason people often start prioritising their own children over lazy entitled friends.

I sum free
I never proof read my message - I meant I agree

"I received a letter from her that she started by saying her counselor recommended her to write to me to get all her hurt out at the beginning of the week"

I'd be inclined to forward a photocopy of the letter to her counsellor. Just so she can be informed of where her client is in her journey.

Not kidding. I really would.

Of course she is 'hurt'. She thought you were committed to supporting her and her family financially for ever.

I think that you will get many more occasions like this. She wants things back to how they were before. She had you under her control and manipulated you to provide her with what she desired.

She is not going to give up easily.

I think you will need to prepare yourself for a lot more of this type of rubbish.

DP just asked if we’ll babysit overnight next weekend. BIL asked.

Really? Why did your DP say No to the overnight babysitting - what on Earth do two non-working/workshy people have in their lives that they ask this of you? And you know that this is a ploy to get back into your lives don't you?

*why didn't

He didn’t respond yet, he didn’t want to say no because he didn’t know if I wanted to see them. Her family are having some sort of a family party. I’m conflicted. I don’t want to take them due to principal but I do miss them.

I’d probably say yes to the babysitting. Let’s you still have a relationship with your nephews without having to socialise with your friend.

They are also probably expecting you to say no so they can then tell everyone how awful you are.

It's difficult as I understand you want to see the kids but of you babysit then it's just another way on which they're using you, and no doubt she'll turn your refusal into evidence that you don't care about the boys anymore.

They're incredible cheeky to even ask though, considering everything that's happened.

Of course you have to say no otherwise she will try and worm her way back in thinking everything is ok again. It's to soon.

i would say yes to the babysitting. i would see DC as much as possible....without SIL. She is the toxic one, not the children. Curb the spending and maybe just spoil them when they are at your house.

Also, if you say no it would give her ammunition to say you had now cut them off.

If you want to see your nephews I’d be very strict about the terms, e.g. “we’d be delighted to have the boys from x o’clock on x date until x o’clock on y date, we will collect them and drop them off at the above times. We look forward to spending time with them and hope you guys enjoy your evening”

With everything else you must remain resolutely sure of your own feelings. DO NOT engage with her about the letter. If it’s brought up at all just keep repeating that you’re happy to spend time with the boys, happy to have them but will not be pulled into any other discussions.

FWIW I think she is the epitome of entitled, head-up-her-own-arse CF and you will need to be very strong to break away from this. He sounds like an entitled prick too, one willing to use your DP to worm their way back in.

PLEASE STAY STRONG OP!!