DD has a real issue with people eating

[Splattermania]

DD (13) seems to get infuriated by people eating. She constantly comments on the amount of food people eat and uses words such as “greedy” and “pigging out”. If we go to a restaurant she sits there watching other people winding herself up about what she sees as greed and gluttony. She’s had many arguments with DH (not her dad) about the amount of biscuits he eats in one sitting saying it’s “disgusting” and “pure greed”. She seems obsessed. I’ve obviously asked her about it and she ignores the question and instead asks why me and her grandma used to give her grandad and dad “mountains” of food when she was little so I don’t know if it harps back to that??
Last night we were eating dinner and she started making pig noises and when challenged mimicked us by pretending to shovel food in her mouth whilst making snorting and grunting noises. It caused a big argument which ended in her storming out shouting that there is no need for greed. In every other way she’s lovely, polite, doesn’t get into trouble at school etc but becomes a monster around food. She’s a normal weight and doesn’t appear to have an eating disorder btw. Is it work a trip to GP or is she just playing up??

I have a (male) colleague with misphonia who sometimes makes rude comments about just eating an apple.
We make allowances for his condition, because ordinary life is so stressful for him.

There are a couple of family members I always avoided eating with because of the way they'd talk with mouths full and spray food everywhere.
Awful

BUT
If I ever see someone slap their child across the face, I'd call the police immediately
Even if they threatened to.

Whatever the child's problem, wanting to assault her would mean you have the bigger problem

Instead, try discussing exactly what disgusts her:

• your table manners e.g. food dripping put of mouths
• the noise of eating
• you pressing her to eat junky food she dislikes, let her choose instead
• worries about your health, any extended family members who had serious illnesses or died ?

Does she say this to her friends as well? I really feel for them if so, because she could well be causing THEM to then feel self conscious about their eating as well, at a high risk age.

Having suffered from an ED myself this screams ED thinking to me, but that doesn’t excuse AT ALL her outrageously disgustingly rude behaivour. You absolutely cannot allow her to continue to speak to ANYONE like that!

Another vote for it possibly being misophonia. A condition my partner suffered with in silence for decades. He never even told me why he hated it if I spoke while eating, I thought it was just a foible. Then a few years ago we discovered it has a name and is an actual condition that cannot be helped. Different things can be a trigger to people with misophonia, but food is the really common one. My partner just can’t bear the sound of other people chewing, cutlery tinkling against crockery. In their heads, people who have it are raging, it triggers an off the scale anger that they know is irrational, but cannot help. We usually eat separately and never eat out because he simply can’t bear being in a restaurant. I felt very sad for him when I realised just how debilitating it is, he tried so very hard to keep quiet and not let it impact on me, for years. I agree that allowing your daughter to eat in a different room may be the only way to deal with it.

I would be interested to know if she has a point at all-although that doesn't excuse her absolute disgusting rudeness.

I do think that a lot of people do over do portion sizes, shovel food down & eat a meal sized amount of biscuits when a couple would be plenty.

But allowing her to eat alone may be exactly what she wants if she’s looking for an easy way to not eat. I wouldn’t go down that road without being 150% sure it’s not an ED

All these comments saying I’ve not been back ... I’m at work!! Do you literally sit here glued to the site refreshing every few seconds all day??

To answer the more reasonable replies, yes myself and DH are overweight.

I’m quite surprised at the posters who’s first reply is “so do you have big portions then? Are you fat? Are you stuffing your face like a pig? That must be stressful for her!” As if that’s any reason to excuse the girl’s behaviour? Also the OP points out very clearly that he DD has issues with the amounts of food and she hasn’t said she’s mentioned anything about the sound of eating except to pull her horrible little stunt at dinner.

I would be worried about this. It’s an extreme reaction to food and in a young teenager that could get dangerous. If you can find a time away from a meal when you are both calm and try and talk to her about it, listening to her feeling or reasons of she’ll tell you, and then trying to get her to empathised with how she’s making other people feel when she speaks to them like this. Keep an eye on her, you don’t say what she’s eating at the restaurants etc just thy she’s sitting commenting on everyone else’s eating.

Is it possible to speak to a teacher at school, I know that the teachers aren’t really going to know what’s going on around mealtimes... but if she’s talking like this to her friends or other pupils who she seems to be greedy and pigs, than she’s a bully and could be making someone disordered about eating herself. Or there may be a culture of this attitude amongst the pupils and she’s one of the ones who’ve fallen for it. Either way it’s something that needs to be addressed, either for her own good or to stop her being incredibly nasty and rude.

Keep a close eye on her, sounds like she has an unhealthy attitude to food, binging and purging would be my concern. We've been there, it's hard - but demonstrating healthy eating habits is important but also addressing rudeness - step parent issues are also a possibility of course. Best of luck

Then she's growing up in an overweight household, with people eating too much and snacking too much. As a child who grew up in a household like that, it's upsetting. It does also make you think "why are you still eating. You don't need it and you're already fat". It's a mean thing to think, but I was a child and it's what I felt. I didn't say it out loud and I wasn't rude, but I understand the feeling.

If I were you OP, then I'd be coming down hard on her rudeness and behaviour because it's not OK. But i'd also be admitting to her that I knew I was overweight, knew we were eating too many biscuits and too large portions etc but explain to her that jeering, imitiation and bullying does not and will never help someone who is overweight. What she's doing will often make it worse for that person as they'll comfort eat more.

It's just time for a big open, honest conversation where you admit your part in her being upset by food, but make her understand that the way she behaves is never ok and it's simply not her business.

Some overweight people don't realise just how much they eat - which is also why they're overweight. I was fascinated when visiting an overweight relation - she persuaded me to stay for lunch, while chatting about being on a diet. As she prepared the lunch her hand was like a train on a track to her mouth :( She'd roll up slices of ham neatly, one would be popped in and swallowed as she arranged the rest on the plate. Cheese sliced, 'untidy' bits picked off and eaten. Bread sliced, the end piece eaten. Tomatoes, the same. By the time we sat down she'd already eaten more than I'd ever eat for lunch, and then she proceeded to have a full lunch while feeling virtuous for eating the same size portions as I had. She honestly didn't know she was doing it.

Like the OP's DD, I'd notice if someone stuffed themselves with biscuits. I wouldn't say anything, but I'd notice. Most people are too polite to let on that they see how much overweight people eat, because it would be mean.

All these comments saying I’ve not been back ... I’m at work!! Do you literally sit here glued to the site refreshing every few seconds all day?

Some people must, judging by how often they post . There’s one particular poster who is on every. single. thread. She’ll be along shortly if she hasn’t already

You mentioned her Dad and Grandad and the fact that she said Grandma had given them mountains of food.
Has something happened healthwise to Dad and Grandad that hs made her perhaps worry that something is going to happen to everyone she cares about if they do not change their eating habits?
Perhaps that is the reason she is acting up about you and DH eating "too much".
Still... as I said above... the rudeness has to stop.

It sounds like she is acting out in frustration at being forced to eat food herself in the hopes you won’t take her to restaurants anymore (stressful for ed sufferers because they can’t count calories/hide food/don’t want to eat in front of others) and probably hoping she’s banned from the home dinner table too.

I would seriously keep an eye on her and make sure she isn’t accessing pro ana/mia sites. Watch out for her exercising in her room too and discarded or hidden food.

It sounds like a clumsy rude teenage way of telling you both she's very concerned about your weight & health.

My first thought was misophonia, not an eating disorder. It can be hard to get a diagnosis, but if she's already struggling this much, I'd push hard

it sounds like a clumsy rude teenage way of telling you both she's very concerned about your weight & health

What about the other people she comments on. Is she fearing for their lives as well.

Next time should she go up to these people in the restaurant and make a comment and piggy noises at them.

FWIW I have had comments about my eating habits from random strangers.

I am obese

A couple of times on holiday (package holidays, one AI) people have come up to me and said they have been watching what I eat and I don’t eat anything. How come I am so overweight/huge?

I think she at the beginning of an eating disorder. Her behaviour is exactly how my friend started

Here to second the comments about misophonia –I'd ask her if it's the noise of eating that is bothering her. Symptoms can often manifest as anger/fury when people are eating because people (usually young people before they learn coping mechanisms) don't know where else to channel it.

Yes, I would wonder about a potential eating disorder. That is a possibility and needs to be watched for.

However, no fucking way would she get away with speaking to me so disrespectfully, eating disorder or not. I would have sent her out of the room and then had some very sharp words with her later on. There's no excuse for such behaviour at her age.

My DD has an eating disorder (diagnosed with anorexia just before Christmas) and certainly never speaks to any of us like that.

All these comments saying I’ve not been back ... I’m at work!! Do you literally sit here glued to the site refreshing every few seconds all day??

I think it’s good form to at return to the thread fairly soon after initially posting, if only to acknowledge comments, particularly with a situation which is out of the ordinary or likely to provoke strong reactions, or shared personal experiences, which I’d say yours is.

This isn’t a criticism of you, but MN has a lot of trolls, and their threads often start with something explosive, followed by silence.

Anyway, I hope you get some good advice here.

Apologies OP and thanks for returning. I do realise people have jobs to get on with but as a first time poster under this name it did strike me as odd that you'd not commented AT ALL past the very first post.

Sometimes people do come along with a very divisive or controversial OP then slope off to watch from a distance having done a 'wind them up and watch them go' sort of thing.

She could be embarrassed I’m sorry to say OP. I was excruciatingly embarrassed by my parents at that age over the smallest things. I’m ashamed of it now but I couldn’t hell it at the time. Kids her age are growing up in the age of instagram perfection so they have distorted views on appearances.

She definitely should not have been so rude but I don’t think it would be wise to punish her for this. I would spend some one on one time with her and talk openly about what happened and ask her outright why she did it. I think you will have to address your weight with her too and explain you are going to adopt more healthy eating habits but that you won’t tolerate such rudeness and how disappointed you are in her for being so hurtful etc.

Good luck

She's being a baiting little twerp.

I think whatever the root cause, the way she is speaking to you is wholly unacceptable. She will cause herself real issues if she speaks to peers etc this way, so I think for her own sake you need to come down hard on her for being so rude.

Teenagers find the strangest things to be embarrassed about, and I think it sounds most likely that she's somehow conscious of you and your DH's weight. I'd have a chat with her about it though and keep a close eye in case it is the start of disordered eating.

Is she comparing you and DH to the slim, lithe DPs of her friends (unlikely).
It is an age when DPs are seen as embarrassing.