To be annoyed with DH

[AliceRR]

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

When he issues his idle threats about buying a new car/ no new kitchen blah blah blah, just shrug your shoulders and say, 'Ok'. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Then walk away.
You need to stand up to him and stop letting him blackmail and bully you.

tell him you will need your own car. he needs to buy his own, he is a lawyer & has a perfectly decent salary

& this is not just to do with the station run,
he uses it in evening, the w/e to get his DC.
its your car, you paid for it, you insure it, YOU own it.
He needs his own, but basically it's more than a "car" issue

He has a child, why did that relationship break up? Bet it was for him behaving like he's behaving now, but instead of sorting himself out he's moved on to pastures new.

When he issues his idle threats about buying a new car/ no new kitchen blah blah blah, just shrug your shoulders and say, 'Ok'. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Then walk away.
You need to stand up to him and stop letting him blackmail and bully you.

I do but the point is even when he says it he has no intention of buying a car and then I either let him take the car when he wants it or there’s a massive argument

why did that relationship break up?

I don’t know but I suspect his behaviour did have something to do with it although I suspect she is difficult too from what I know

What sort of man expects his heavily pregnant partner get up early and take him to the station? That is not a kind caring man. What a miserable sod he is.

You won't be able to do that when baby arrives so he needs to sort something quick.

It's a mile to the station? He can walk, get a bicycle, call a taxi.

YANBU.

The purpose of the Royal Blood Website is to show off the band and promote them. The site when you click the “enter website” button shows to the main site leads you to the screenshot on the previous slide. The website also includes all of the bands merchandise. They also have a variety of sections such as photos and videos of them live and one of the sections also contains all of their live shows.

" I suspect she is difficult too from what I know"

Do you only "know" from him?

OP he is controlling you and you need this to stop. Your baby will learn to treat you terribly from him. Do not move house, get your own place. This entire situation is ridiculous......you paid for your entire wedding? You have bought all the baby stuff? he doesnt think life will change with a baby?

Leave, it's going to be a total disaster with this man.

Am constantly stunned by the crap behaviour women put up with.

Surely you just take back control of your car and stop the house move until such time (which may never arrive) he learns that he can't get whatever he wants by having a toddler tantrum each time.

I do but the point is even when he says it he has no intention of buying a car and then I either let him take the car when he wants it or there’s a massive argument

So don't let him take it!!!!!
Let him rant away but don't respond!!!
Come on OP, you're pandering to him here and so why would he stop this selfish behaviour if he knows there are no real consequences????!!!!!
You need to take control of this situation otherwise you'll have years of it to come until you probably leave him.

(Hands up who reckons this manchild will get even worse and even lazier once the baby is here ✋🏻)

I'm sure his first wife is difficult now - once she was out from under the yoke she saw things as they are. When someone escapes an abusive twat all bets are off. Once a woman stops pandering or appeasing, that translates in his head to 'difficult'.

...if he was describing you right now, to a friend, don't you think he'd be complaining about how demanding and difficult you are? "She won't even drive me to the station in the morning when I'm leaving her the car for the day."

Would he respond to a business-written email?

List the issues
List the consequences
Highlight the inequality
Suggest compromises
Outline your desired outcomes
Give a deadline

If you put everything clearly and concisely, appeal to his obligation to treat you and your relationship with equality and respect.

Mention in the email that you will not argue about this, but want him to email his full respond to all the points raised.

Tell him you are corresponding with him by email because you feel hurt, humiliated and manipulated when you try to converse and are met with petulant arguments.

I'm with the cyclists on this thread. Tell him you'll drive him to the bike shop but nowhere else?

Some of your descriptions are resonating with me too. I have very slowly realised that my DH is very bad at visualising "what if?". So I suggest changing something - "no that wouldn't work". I try to discuss whether there are other ways we could arrange doing things - "no nothing will help". I tell him I'm thinking of getting an "X" - "why would you want that?" Then if I actually go ahead and get X "Oh that's really useful isn't it?".

You have a chance to improve things for yourself now instead of in 5 or 10 or 15 years when you have been ground down by his attitudes and behaviour; which may put your own career at risk as you will never be able to trust him to actually get your children where they need to be with everything they need etc. Mine isn't good at regular meal times - he doesn't think about food until he's hungry. So if I'm out he has been known to forget that children need food more often than he does ... I also recognise the "but it's too expensive" as an auto-response to anything regardless of the actual economics. [one time that was his response to my suggesting he joined our teenagers and me on a camping holiday!!!]

I think with what you are describing, you need your car, your husband needs a bicycle - perhaps get him to look at the cycle to work scheme to finance it, he could even consider a folding or electric bike. If you are 2.5 miles from the station after you move, that's still fine - my DH has been cycling that for nearly 10 years no issue. A bike with buses or taxis as needed will be more cost-effective than a second car, almost certainly; more so with the insurance issues!

You will need to take control and tell him how things will be, with things that impact on you. I agree you can't take him off the car insurance altogether until after the baby is born and you are back to driving, in case there are difficulties or you can't drive for a while.

Good luck. Remind yourself that you are asking for reasonable things. If it kicks off when you try, stick to your guns and take the consequences now as if things fall apart now, take it from me you will be better off than putting up with it till later.

Not read the whole thread but OMG just got to the part where you say it's only a mile to the station?? I walk over a mile to the station every day, if he's fit and well it's nothing, he's being a lazy arse! Doesn't bode well for once the baby is born ...

Well he says to you you're difficult QED.
I fortunately missed the bit about your wedding & all the baby stuff.
I would ask why, but frankly, this is madness & for an intelligent woman it sad to see

I just knew from the first page you would have separate finances OP!

This can't continue when baby arrives. The getting up to give lifts OR the petty arguing!

OP I really do not understand why you are married to a man and having a child with him when he treats you like a child. For Gods sake he keeps threatening to take your new house from you if you misbehave. You are a lawyer - how do you not see you are being emotionally abused? And as pp said, when the baby arrives things will only get worse.

Jesus

Fucking

Christ

Have you exchanged contracts on the house yet ? If not then put a stop to that process sharpish. Then sort your finances out so that you know you can cope alone. And find childcare so you can return to work after maternity leave.

You will need to go it alone either sooner or later I’m afraid OP. I’d make it sooner, myself.

What does it cost to park at the train station?

OP has said said several times it's free

I do but the point is even when he says it he has no intention of buying a car

Then say that. Say-‘I don’t think you hve any intention of buying a car.’

When he says-yeah, I will, say-right, ok, what car and when? I’ll come with you. I’m glad we have a plan as this wasn’t working.

I would love his first wife to recognise him here and come on here and tell us what he was like then...

It sounds like he’s using you as a cash point, taxi service and hire car company.

I think you have a big problem, OP.

Please don't buy a house with him.