To be annoyed with DH

[AliceRR]

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

Well I just spoke to him and he said what if you have the car two days and I have it three? He’ll have it Monday Wednesday and Friday and I’d have it Tuesday and thursday. I said that’s why I proposed last night. He had no idea. I said that’s what I said but I even said I’d pick you up from the station in the evening so you’d just have to sort yourself out in the morning

He said no no why should you get me in the evening?! I said fine.

Then he made out I’d got my way. I said you do realise my way would be having the car here every day just in case I want to go out. I don’t actually want to have to plan in advance what two days that week I should fit it in any appointments, seeing my mum, going shopping or whatever else I might want to do. Ordinarily it might depend on the weather or how I feel. Anyway I invited him to propose his own compromise then. He said the same except he’d have the car four days and I’d have it one 🙄

Anyway it doesn’t quite work this week now I told him as he took the car today so he’d be haven’t it four days anyway and also I had suggested Tuesday / Thursday this week because I have a midwife appointment Thursday but we might have different things on next week

I’m going to stick by my guns though. On those two days I’m not dropping him off or picking him up! Since he wanted to make a point about it...

And in the end he made a comment about how he’ll just do what I want like he always does!!

I agree actually. I think you should look at buying your own house, & rent it, because it seems it likely you are going to need it.
So next time he is throwing his toys out of the pram.
Tell him, you won't be able to take him to the station, he will have to taxi.
You are happy to share, but sharing is a one way street in his book.
If he's not happy, he should indeed buy his own car, & as for the move,
not to worry, drop the threats, as It is off.

We have exchanged contracts in our sale but not our purchase which is not ideal so we’d have to rent if we didn’t buy the new house

Thing is we got really lucky with this house we want to buy and i wouldn’t want it to fall though but I am prepared to let it in a way

His ex (she wasn’t his wife) would probably say he is difficult. He says she’s difficult. I’m sure he’d say I’m difficult too. I don’t really know her that well to be fair but I think he tried to make things work with her for the sake of the kids but I know he is difficult!

Just use your car. It's your car.

'I'm using the car tomorrow so you'll need to walk or cycle or get a taxi to the station.'

Him 'Fine, I'll buy a car at the weekend but we won't be able to afford X'

You reply. 'Ok that's fine.'

Then take your car keys and do not let him take the car tomorrow.

At the weekend mention about a car you saw for sale somewhere. Ask him when he's going out to get a car.

Then he'll say 'but we can't afford it' and you'll say 'then bloody compromise you selfish fucking arsehole!' - he can walk/cycle/taxi when you want your car and you'll pick him up. If not, he can buy his own car.

He knows he can walk all over you. Whatever you say is pointless. Unless you start acting on what you've said.

He is going to get worse when the baby comes. Honestly. Stand up for yourself.

sorry crossed post. so is this new house 50/50 ?

Read the whole thread now. He sounds likr my ex husband. I'd get out now, save yourself the pain and stress, tbh.

And if it takes him 20 minutes to walk a mile then he's an unfit lazy arse and needs to walk more.

@caroldanvers I’d tell my DH to FRO if he dictated the above to me. Honestly some MNetters run their marriages like they’re in the army.

Haha, I don’t speak to my DH as if I’m writing a mumsnet post. Although my DH is in the military so he’d probably be on board with being that direct.

I lift share 15 miles (with a friend, not with DH). My workplace has no free parking but my friend’s does, so we park there and I cycle to my workplace across the city (1.5 miles). If it’s raining I put waterproofs on. And I’m pregnant. I wouldn’t insist that we leave 20 minutes earlier and he sits in traffic across the city to provide a door to door service. 🤷‍♀️

I think you’re flogging a dead horse here.

I remember your previous thread about transport to the station. Many posters' jaws dropped at your contention that a mile walk to the station was untenable. Maybe this is the perfect opportunity to get your husband to test it out. As to 'it's cold outside' does he not own a coat? Cheaper to buy a coat than be dependent on taxis or buy a new car ...

Yes new house will be 50/50

Well I’ll let him do it tomorrow and see how it goes!

Why are you just sitting around letting him call the shots? This is madness

You tell him that sharing a car isn't working for you - and to be honest, you SHOULD have your own car really. Only ever share one with someone who's reasonable - and he isn't

Don't let him dictate in this way. Just tell him for god sake woman! You clearly need your own cars so get it sorted out this weekend.

All this stuff is just a distraction from the real issue which is that you've married a bit of a knob

So your discussion has resulted in you only getting to use your own car 2 days a week yet he thinks you’ve got your own way?!

You aren’t going to win against that sort of fuckwit logic!

How is he going to get to work on the other two days?

I actually think it’s totally pointless having YOUR car sitting outside the station for most of the week leaving his wife and baby without transport.

Anyway I invited him to propose his own compromise then. He said the same except he’d have the car four days and I’d have it one 🙄

It’s your car!!

So you're STILL entertaining the idea of him having YOUR car!!!!!
Jeez OP. It's getting very frustrating here.

Why on earth can't he walk to the station? It's a mile! DP and I share a car and I just walk to work every day because it's easier - it's 3 miles. It's fine. Every now and again it might be nice to give him a lift but it's not like he's stuck without you doing it/

If the new house isn’t within walking distance of the station will you not need a car when the baby arrives? Otherwise how will you get to baby groups, appointments, shops etc. You could end up very lonely and isolated and it doesn’t sound as if he cares.
I would let the house purchase go and rent for a while. He isn’t likely to be any less selfish when you have the baby

I’m 38 weeks pregnant and don’t want to be arguing plus I don’t need the car every day. Realistically he isn’t going to get a new car this week. All I want is a bit of give and take.

You'll need the car most if not all days when the baby arrives. Please don't let his selfishness make you isolated just when you need friendship and freedom the most.

The fact that you are heavily pregnant is all the more reason to argue now because it is only going to get a million times worse once you add the demands of a new baby and sleep deprivation into the mix.

It’s not about the car

It’s about how he treats you and the entire tenor of your relationship.

When you are in the midst it’s really hard to see that this is not right

Agree, take him off the insurance! Sorry darling, you can't have the car you aren't insured on it and I'm not driving you. You'll have to walk/bike/taxi or buy another car.

Him: There goes the house, there goes our kitchen.

You: that's nice dear, so you've decided to walk it then. Good for you.

Then grey rock the twat. You can get a taxi when you go into labour. Although I'll bet he'll have forked out for a car by then. And if he refuses to drive you to hospital, that's LTB time I'm afraid.

A bit of give and take

-He has YOUR car for three days a week but wants it four days.
-You have pelvic pain and are 8 months pregnant and he can't walk 1 mile a morning but you are expected to if you do not have YOUR car.
-You are expected to fit your stuff into two days while YOUR car sits at the train station for the three days

Give and take you say.......ok. I say that you are the giver and that he is the taker. Your relationship is incredibly unbalanced and he is a selfish to the core. He won't make a good dad and you are throwing your life away on somebody that will drain you dry and leave you like a husk. While he will move on to the next mug and do the same to her.

You do need him to understand and fully acknowledge that once the baby is here he will not be driven to the station, nor will you be walking to the station to fetch the car when it's obviously much easier for him to walk. If he won't get another car, he'll have to cycle or walk.

*Him: There goes the house, there goes our kitchen.

You: that's nice dear, so you've decided to walk it then. Good for you.*

This made me laugh out loud for some reason

BUT yes we do need to talk about everything. I know I sound like a pushover and I feel like it sometimes(!) he has believe it or not come a long way since I’ve been pregnant.

I really do think it’s the communication that’s key. It’s the fact that he can’t discuss anything contentious but maybe that comes from him really thinking I should do everything he wants. It does seem that way sometimes. But if I dare suggest that he gets his own way, well, he really seems to think that he panders to me”

But I know he doesn’t of course.

I can't believe either of you think it's OK to run a car just to drive a mile each way to the station - how much is the parking there anyway?

I'd be walking it, it's only 20 minutes. Or cycle. The cold won't kill him.

I swear never realized how much of a feminist I was until I discovered MN! I'd tell my partner/husband whoever to go hug a land mine if I was that far pregnant and he tried taking my vehicle! He and I shared a vehicle early in marriage then we got a second vehicle later when we could afford it. You have a selfish man without empathy who cannot discuss things either narcissistic or sociopathic or just a generic asshole