Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DH

467 replies

AliceRR · 29/01/2019 09:11

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 29/01/2019 12:23

@TotHappy Your situation sounds v similar. We were in a bad place early last year

I’m not sure I should take him off the insurance right now though in case I go into labour and need him to take me to the hospital!! 😂

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 29/01/2019 12:24

So is he actually not paying for his half of the insurance then?

I would text him (as he won’t talk about it) and say that you have reconsidered the house move and think the car has to be sorted as a priority so to put the house on hold. Refuse to proceed until he does something.

waterrat · 29/01/2019 12:24

I actually couldn't respect a man who wanted to drive a mile. Jesus christ it's a 20 minute walk it's good for him. Tell him to put some music on his headphones and get out there...

Original poster
AliceRR · 29/01/2019 12:25

@twiglet

When his car broke down he gave me the £1000 part ex for that which became the deposit on this car but he got my old car for that too (which was running!) He says he bought that car off me but it was worth more than that and I wouldn’t have sold it.
So no he didn’t really pay the deposit plus i paid £5k or something towards this car in the time he was driving my old one for next to nothing and then that packed in and now he’s basically go mine!

OP posts:
SEsofty · 29/01/2019 12:26

And please don’t move house

In absolute seriousness you need to be clear to him that if he doesn’t change then you will need to be a single parent.

This is not about the car

This is about you not be treated right

I wasn’t terribly sympathetic about the step son situation and thought that he could get a cab home etc

But this shows, as pretty much always is the case, the problem is that your husband doesn’t care about you

Holidayshopping · 29/01/2019 12:26

If you go into labour, get a taxi.

I actually think you need to get this sorted before you give birth. I foresee you being very tearyband emotional and him pushing you into early morning lifts, waking up a tiny sleeping baby (noooo!) when you’ve had no sleep yourself and then having to deal with that miserable awake baby just so that you could drive him in YOUR car.

Oysterbabe · 29/01/2019 12:27

It would not even cross my mind to take the car for a 1 mile journey. Tell him to buy a warm coat and walk. Utterly ridiculous.

Holidayshopping · 29/01/2019 12:27

He says he bought that car off me but it was worth more than that and I wouldn’t have sold it.So no he didn’t really pay the deposit

When he says this (untrue) things to make himself sound better, do you make it very clear to him that it’s not actually true?

Or do you keep quiet to keep the peace?

rainbowstardrops · 29/01/2019 12:28

He is utterly, utterly selfish and he clearly doesn't see you as an equal at all.
The way that I see it, you've got two choices.
Either put your foot down from this moment on and stop his ridiculousness or you'll spend thread after thread on here from now on saying how impossible he is.
I know what I'd choose.

mummmy2017 · 29/01/2019 12:32

I love arguing with a solicitor...
Darling I agree, since your having my car, it's value is X. Can you swap the insurance over to your name please. I have worked out I can use a Taxis till we move house, and you are right you need it more than me.
Once I have the baby I will see if I want a new car, and in the mean time you can do all the driving....

Original poster
AliceRR · 29/01/2019 12:33

*When he says this (untrue) things to make himself sound better, do you make it very clear to him that it’s not actually true?

Or do you keep quiet to keep the peace?*

I tell him obviously but then he makes out I’m being unreasonable and that’s when it gets to “I’ll get my own car this weekend and you can keep yours” possibly also with “no new house though or no new kitchen” but it’s all hot air

And today I told him I don’t care about the house purchase anyway as I don’t right now

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 29/01/2019 12:33

Well the value of the car has gone down as he is the one who puts all the mileage on it

OP posts:
moonfacebaby · 29/01/2019 12:33

It’s a mile away!!!!! He’s bloody lazy and unless it’s pissing it down with rain, he should be walking..

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2019 12:37

They car is the least of your problems.

His attitude and money are the issues.

upaladderagain · 29/01/2019 12:39

Get him to buy a bike, then it’ll only take him 5 minutes

IncomingCannonFire · 29/01/2019 12:41

I'm sorry you married a selfish dick and didn't realise it until now.
I think you may want to get all your paperwork sorted and consider separating. He is just not the loving partner that you deserve.
All these selfish niggles will be a million times worse with a baby even if said baby miraculously sleeps well.
I would start separating all finances even more from him in preparation for an imminent blow up and separation. I can see why his last partner left him.
Reconsider buying a house and stop paying half of everything. Start saving your money because I guarantee you he has a tidy nest egg hidden away.

IncomingCannonFire · 29/01/2019 12:43

Also neither myself or dh would consider driving or taxi-ing such a short distance. He can walk.

diddl · 29/01/2019 12:43

I think that walking first thing can be miserable when it's cold & dark, but if Op only wants her car a couple of days I would have thought that it's doable.

It's called compromise-I'm thinking that he hasn't heard of it!

mummmy2017 · 29/01/2019 12:45

I don't think you can get him to pay more than the going price...
But also tell him that your maternity wages are x... His are y... So you will be splitting the bills in line with that....
Also you will keep a list of baby costs so he can give you his half, for the care of baby, but you won't be charging him for the hours you log as a mother....
Since he is having the car, if he won't pay for the car, tell him he can pay monthly, so you will drop your bill money £250 a month till he has paid it off...

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 29/01/2019 12:45

Don’t but a house with him!

Mix56 · 29/01/2019 12:46

He can presumably have a conversation in his work place without threats & flouncing.... he is a lawyer !
There are lots of red flags here
He is "quids in" of course while he has been using your car/s, wear & tear on them, then buys his part in the new one with the money from YOUR old one !!!! It's frankly laughable.
You know why his previous wife dropped him ?
He is lazy, manipulative & probably financially profiting from you.

Mix56 · 29/01/2019 12:48

crossed posts with canonfire !

Original poster
AliceRR · 29/01/2019 12:52

He can presumably have a conversation in his work place without threats & flouncing.... he is a lawyer !

That’s exactly what I say. This can’t be how he always deals with someone who doesn’t agree with him

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 29/01/2019 12:54

It's called compromise-I'm thinking that he hasn't heard of it!

This is it. I’m not saying I’m perfect but I’m always willing to discuss things and try to find a compromise but he thinks that’s me getting my own way. If my starting point is Tuesday and Thursday morning you make your own way to the station as I’ll use the car then that’s me getting my owne way when obviously I’d love to just have the car all week too and be able to do as i please!

OP posts:
Mix56 · 29/01/2019 12:54

EXACTLY, this is manipulative, & you are on the road to misery IMHO

Swipe left for the next trending thread