To be annoyed with DH

[AliceRR]

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

I have hidden his keys before! Honestly this man doesn’t know how to have a discussion.

I didn’t want to share a car as I wanted my independence and I’m used to having my own car plus there’s always a reason he wants it. In the week it’s more important for him to have it as he’s working he said. My need is secondary. Every other weekend he has his son (my stepson) so he needs it for that and my need is secondary.

At the time I tried to discuss solutions eg what I’d we share for 3 months or 6 months. What is the plan? He’d say I expect to share forever basically as it’s the best thing for “us” (less cost) but I lose out as I pay half for a car I barely get to use except when I was working wee went to work together but evenings and weekends I barely use it these days. If I said I didn’t want to share or if I said sharing means HE has to be flexible too, he’d say “fine don’t share I’ll get my own car this weekend and then we’ll never be able to afford a bigger house” so that would end the discussion. He’d rather say “keep your own car” than discuss it but then he’d expect the car the next day as usual...

He’s quite happy for me to go without because we share a car but if he ever has to be flexible then I’m being selfish or not sharing properly

It’s ridiculous

Christ on a bike. I think the two of you (more so him) need to get your shit together pretty damn quickly. Your life is about to get quite a lot harder and you won't have the time to get het up about nonsense like this.
It's a mile. 1 mile. Walk. Get a taxi. You get a taxi. Get shopping delivered. But a new car. Whatever. It needs none of this drama.

Your last thread on this was also about him expecting you to get up and drive him to the station when you were feeling like shit in earlier pregnancy. It will be even harder with a newborn.

Your DH is a selfish twunt, who needs to grow up and learn to look after himself (and you!) pretty damn quickly.

He is being so utterly selfish, it’s worrying you can’t see it.

I can see it!! That’s why I’m annoyed. I have been up ranting about it since he woke me up at half 7!!

You need to sit down and have a really good conversation.

Our life is going to change drastically in a month or less.

We need to operate as a team, practically, financially and emotionally.

Also I think the point about not seeing him being selfish is why did you decide to have a baby with a man who is fundamentally lazy and selfish

He often uses the car on an evening to see friends or for work for meetings (not often but a few times a month) and I work around him on those days, by walking or getting w taxi, but he won’t work around me. No matter what he expects me to pick him up from the station and drop him off.

The other day he made a dentist appoint for 9 am. I had said he could have asked what my plans work as I had already started winding down for mat leave and had a day off per week and we could have tried to synchronise. He thought that was ridiculous. But he had no plan for getting to the dentist other than driving. It’s too far for me to get a taxi all the way to work as would cost abour £25. I wasn’t up to getting the train as I’d have to get a taxi to the station then probably stand on the train (no one looks up to notice the pregnant ladies where I am!) and then get a taxi at the other end as my PGP now means I can’t walk far. So I said I’d just wait at home til he was done at the dentist and just have to go into work late. Luckily they are flexible and especially now im pregnant but not ideal when I had the following day off too but it was after half ten when he got home and I went to get straight in the car and he said “no I was hoping to sit and have a cup of tea first” so we did but I get told what time it is constantly I’d im not out of the house by 8:10 when we were driving to work together!

He following week he had another dentist appointment for a clean so I ended up just booking the day off as it’s easier than anything else!!

Honestly it’s not that I just can’t share it’s just that he does expect it all his way.

He's being a selfish, lazy twat, a mile a day will do him the world of good.

When you move, he can get a cheap second hand bike that's not particularly nickable and cycle to and from the station, that will also do him good.

I honestly can't believe that he can't cope with the thought of walking a mile, it's laughable.

Argh this reminds me so much of my thread over a year ago about dh appropriating my car. It was really similar, but I already had the baby and was off work, and our finances were shared. Yours is even more clear cut because you don't have joint finances, so it's your car. Morally. And legally I presume? If you said, stuff it, it's my car, get your own, and took him off the insurance, could you afford the finance payments, insurance and possible repairs etc by yourself?

I totally feel you about the being unable to have a discussion. Mine would get arsey as soon as the subject was brought up, refuse to discuss and then if I stood my ground make me out to be the bitch (e.g. once when it was my agreed day to have it, he overslept so would have been late if he'd cycled, came in demanding to have the car, I refused and he threw an absolute paddy saying I was abusing him because he was desperate and panicking about being late for work and I could have solved it but was arguing. I took him in the end. But im still bitter.)

Our life is going to change drastically in a month or less.

He doesn’t think our lives will change that much he said. I can’t remember the context of the conversation but that’s what he said!

As for marrying someone so selfish I don’t think I realised

He’s not a bad guy but there’s something not right there. I don’t know if he is just lacking understanding in something (he is not stupid, he is a lawyer and so am I) or just a complete narcissist but he doesn’t seem to see it

But as I’ve said the worst thing for me is that he can’t discuss anything. It gets heated (even if it doesn’t need to) and he shuts it down and then nothing is ever resolved

The car thing was never resolved as he wouldn’t discuss it but then the weekend would come when he needed to pick up his son and then if I didn’t let him have the car (after he’d thrown the keys at me and told me he was never getting in my car again as I’d tried to discuss a way forward) I was the evil one trying to stop him seeing his child. So I couldn’t find a way around it

And then I got pregnant and we stopped arguing so much and we both mellowed a bit but it keeps coming back up especially now we have different plans in the week and different transportation needs

His insurance is high because HE got 9 points.......
You can also be on the policy which should bring it down. 1k per year in comparison to the cost of a house is a ridiculous argument which doesn't really fly. There are ways to bring insurance down go for a smaller engine car, get a model which is cheaper to insure e.g micra rather than golf....... Pay the insurance in full for the year on a credit card and switch it to a longer 0% interest balance transfer card as soon as mortgage is approved and set up etc etc.

Reality is that* he doesn't want to pay......*

If he doesn't discuss it and come out with that line then agree say yes to the other car house we will just have to adjust the budget slightly then.

You need this (and his behaviour full stop) sorted before the baby which isn't very long!

What would happen if when the dentist thing became apparent you'd have said 'oh, how you getting there? Just so you know I'll be taking the car to work.' he would have argued I assume but if you hadn't given in? Maybe you don't know what would have happened but know it would be unpleasant and you don't like confrontation? I'm like that. It's easier to advise when you don't have to live with it.

Are you buying a house together?

I think YABU, 7:30 is not early at all and if you're tired you can always go back to bed after you've dropped him.

You need to have a discussion with him about the car though as what will happen when your baby is here.

@TotHappy Yes! Your DH sounds the same! This is exactly what he would do. I mean he would literally shout at me that I could keep my precious car if I tried to talk to him but then the next day it was “you can’t not take me to work as I’ll be late and ultimately I’ll lose my job” or “you can’t not let me pick up my kids” or “fine I’ll buy a car but we’ll nwver be able to afford a bigger house”

The car is in my name but he pays half of everything now.

Well actually I don’t know what happened with the insurance? He wanted to pay me monthly(!). I always paid upfront as I could afford to and it was only about £300 but he didn’t see why he should have to pay half up front just cause I did so at some point he was giving me something like £15 per month but he doesn’t now so I don’t remember what happened with that 🤷🏻‍♀️ And he only ever paid or agreed to pay half and not taking account of the fact my premium went up about £150 because of his incident.

Yes I could afford to keep it alone very easily. Even on mat leave I would manage but he really didn’t give me the option and once I got pregnant and didn’t want to be stressing and arguing over the car but last night and today reminds me of old times when he wants his way and I don’t have a choice and he doesn’t even discuss it

Plus I’m tired and grumpy cause I was woken up and I’m heavily pregnant (I’ve been grumpy for about a week)

I think you may have made a rod for your own back here, by insisting that you take him to the station on days off as you don't want him walking in the cold!

Stop mothering him.

What would happen if when the dentist thing became apparent you'd have said 'oh, how you getting there? Just so you know I'll be taking the car to work.' he would have argued I assume but if you hadn't given in? Maybe you don't know what would have happened but know it would be unpleasant and you don't like confrontation? I'm like that. It's easier to advise when you don't have to live with it.

He’d have made it clear there would be w consequence and it would have been something like “I’m not doing anything for you” or “there goes the new house”

Yes we are buying a house together. The house we live in now is in his name (that is a long story too. I pay for half the bills and and have paid towards the £20k equity he has when I moved in by paying for all of our wedding and we’ve also jointly done the house up since I moved in). He is more excited about the new house than I am so I told him today if you want to pull out then go for it.

I could go back to bed after dropping him off but I don’t sleep then once up. So he woke me last night and he woke me this morning and the only sleep I got was what wasn’t in between. Once I’ve taken him to the station I’m up! Like today I said take the car cause I didn’t want to get up but I was already awake as he makes sure or it!

Even if I say “if I’m up I’ll take you” he’ll make sure I’m up! He goes up and down the stairs, in and out of the bedroom and wardrobe...

Anyway I think I am bashing DH a lot today 🙄🙈😬

He has annoyed me (clearly)

You need to sit him down and say that there needs to be fundamental changes in your relationship particularly about finances.

Have you discussed what happens when you are on mat leave with reduced income and then the huge cost of childcare

He is behaving like a child. I honestly wouldn’t buy a bigger house with him. Stay where you are and decide what you’re going to do.

I was the same when pregnant-struggled to sleep and felt awful. We had building work done when I was 8 months pregnant and the builders were arriving at 8am when I was in a deep sleep having finally got off at 3am, banging on the door and cheerfully loudly asking for cups of tea. After a big cry on DH as I was just so tired, he had a word with the builders, gave them a key and they used to creep in, make their own (silent!) tea and get on with the painting (it wasn’t noisy work) so I could sleep.

Your DH seems to think it’s fine when he wants to stay in bed, but you should be at his beck and call.

Is he jealous you aren’t working at the moment and it’s coming out like this? It’s not like you aren’t doing something important!!

I really don't understand why you're with him.

I hear you, I really do.

If you can bear the fight sand the fallout, maybe text him to say that you've realised already that sharing a car on mat leave won't work for you. You tried to discuss this together but he seems unwilling so you've decided for yourself instead and what you've decided is: you're taking him off the insurance from Sunday. He can no longer drive your car or expect lifts and he can stop paying towards it (i.e. from Feb). If he wants to use the car on Saturday/evenings this week to go look at new cars/a push bike you will try to facilitate this. From Sunday he's on his own.

God knows if I'd have the balls to have done this with my DH... But it's not quite the same because by the time we had car-gate, my pay had stopped and the car was being paid for from his salary (family money, but he would have said, fine, I'll stop paying then). You can afford for him not to pay, so he hasn't got that hold over you. After car-gate he told me he wanted a divorce because of my 'abuse' sand I argued and pleaded and said we can work through it. We're in a somewhat better place now, 18 months on but in hindsight... I don't know that I'd plead again. If he creates a similar situation, I think maybe I'd let him walk. So maybe you should think about what you're prepared to have happen.

This whole situation is going to get much worse very soon.
From how lazy you have described him as being and from his attitude and thinking that things won’t change much I think he’s going to be one of those fathers who doesn’t ‘help’ much with his child too

So your also paying for the insurance which is higher due to his accident?!
It's actually cheaper to pay in full as the insurance companies are typically 10% AVR and it counts as a credit agreement.

He pays half of running/payment costs (minus insurance...) did he give you half deposit cost?
Just say I need the car full time going to have to get another vehicle, so I will go back to covering costs on mine and you can cover the cost on yours.
Your not being grumpy he sounds like a CF man child who throws his toys out of the pram when he doesn't get his own way......

this is ludicrous. tell him to walk the mile. When you have been up half the night with the baby you will want to murder him.