To be annoyed with DH

[AliceRR]

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

[gamerchick]

Generally he has been doing more for me, cooking and cleaning up a bit more

How on earth is that 'for you'? Does he not live there as well?!

Seems to me an option would be to get rid of the car completely or sorn the thing for a bit. It will save you money and it's not as if you're getting much use out of the car anyway.

Or take him off the insurance, big guns as a reward for his selfishness. I'm not sure what else would have an affect on him. Eventually you won't get the use of the car at all unless you act.

[AliceRR]

It doesn’t matter whether 7:30 is early the point is it’s earlier than I would be getting up on mat leave

And yes fitting in the car behind the wheel is fine. Getting in and out is difficult due to pelvic pain but I can do jr

[SEsofty]

The car and lifts are a red herring.

This about him caring about you and recognising that you are a unit and need to support each other.

Not individuals who can do whatever they want without thinking about anyone else

[CarolDanvers]

Well clearly this all part of a bigger picture of him being a self centred dick. Maybe you’d want to help him out if he wasn’t such a taker in other ways?

[CheesyWeez]

I think your DH is being unreasonable. To those who say 7.30 is not early, it is very early for someone who has not slept well.
in our case DH would go out to work, the house would go quiet, I slept and when the baby was born he slept too at this time. Our newborn used to sleep reliably from 6.30 to 9.30am for a long time so that was a solid block of sleep that I could get after being up in the night feeding him. I would have gone bonkers from lack of sleep otherwise.
I'd say book DH a taxi for the next time you need the car - and also, get your finances joined up, you shouldn't have to be buying all the equipment.
When you mentioned that he let you down last minute about the baby shower I lost all respect for him I'm afraid.

[mummmy2017]

Your not going to be able to drive for a few weeks once you have the baby...
So turn the tables on him. Send him foid shopping, nappies, ect, ask him to do it on his way home..... Use him a lot, then tell him this car thin. g is really working for you, that him doing your chores after work as he has the car is a brilliant idea, and how great he is.....
Also Co. E spring walking the mile for the car is good exercise, and If you do it with a baby, how can he not do it to walk home so you don't have to fetch him. Or smile sweetly is he saying that he is not as fit and healthy as a new mum?

[Strixaluco]

Three mornings a week my DH walks/trams our DC to school, walks/trams home, then gets on his bike and rides half an hour to work and half an hour home again at teatime. We have a car and I work from home, but he does this as a) he is a capable adult and father, b) he doesn't see the point in sitting in traffic when he can keep moving, c) he says the exercise saves him having to join a gym and d) he says why should I bother getting ready to go out when he has to go out anyway.

Incidentally, it's below zero here a lot of mornings this time of year but guess what - as PP have pointed out there are these miraculous inventions called gloves, scarves, hats and boots that keep you warm, plus the exercise does that anyway.

Your DH sounds like a lazy wimp who needs to man up.

[CheesyWeez]

Yes he sounds like a dick when I write it all down!

I'm afraid so OP. And There is no way on this earth my dh would wake me to take him to the station in your situation I agree with that too.

It is a mile. that's actually less than 20 minutes walking for most people. He can walk that and while he's out he should be asking if you want him to pick anything up for you, that would be normal behaviour.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

1 mile!!

[BigSandyBalls2015]

I’m often astounded at some people’s horror at a short walk.

Our local slimming world meeting place moved about a third of a mile down the road to a different school and the aggro it caused had to be seen to be believed!!

[Juells]

Honestly, some posters on MN live in cloud cuckoo land, they seem to think women should crawl on their hands and knees while in labour and do everything to make sure the poor little man doesn't have to suffer any discomfort at all.

He knew right well what he was doing when he ditched the other car - a car you paid for as well. Since then he's had full use of the car which you are paying for, while he has no costs attached. You should pay for a taxi, for the privilege of recovering the car you pay for, while you are 8 months pregnant and suffering from pelvic pain.

However, I know that I shut my ears to everything that other people said to me, because it was too scary to face the fact that I'd married a selfish prick. I had to believe he would mellow, he'd see how unfair he was being, he'd have a Road to Damascus moment and all would be well. The reality was that he got worse and worse, grumpier and grumpier, and started looking for an escape from my unreasonable demands.

[moredoll]

He thinks a car is a boy's toy, and he's lazy as well. I think you have to dig your heels in and insist he starts getting a taxi. That's what he's going to be doing in a couple of weeks when the baby arrives. You need as much rest as you can get now.
There's no way you'll be driving him to the station in a sleep deprived state with a newborn so he might as well get used to it. He'll probably come to relish the break a short taxi ride will give him. Although frankly I can't understand why a healthy adult can't walk a mile.

[anniehm]

If you share a car, dropping the other one at the station is part of the deal for keeping it day. We both do this for each other - mostly me as I'm not full time and want the car. If dh wants the car eg working at another site he drives me to work (I walk home or scrounge a lift)

[anniehm]

Alternatively, I suggest he gets a bike - those £4 cabs or the petrol will add up.

[twiglet]

I think you need to sit down and have an adult conversation when you write it down it reads as if what's yours is his and what's his is his.......

The car is just one of the issues that it's fine for you to be paying for but with little in return - refusal for the excess, thinking its his right when it's a vehicle you bought. He can definitely walk a mile!

Your baby is also his baby, barely paying for anything and you worrying about making up your 50% contribution is not acceptable!
What's the plan for when it becomes zero pay? Or for nursery fees?

I share a car with my DH but typically walked to the station (1.5 miles) until I was 28 wks pregnant and the pgp stopped me. If he needed the car then he would drop me at the station. But we always have a chat about it.

We are getting a 2nd car so that I don't become isolated as he will need ours more for his job.

Call his bluff and say yep need a second car get a cheap run around and you can tax and insure it for yourself... . Sorry his behaviour sounds a bit CF to me!

[Gooseygoosey12345]

Hold on a minute, his broke down? So this is YOUR car!! So you tell him when he can borrow it, not the other way round. Yanbu, I wouldn't do it at all. And my DH wouldn't expect me to. He'd either repair his car, get another one or get a taxi. What does he think is going to happen once baby is here? Surely not expecting you to get a taxi to pick it up then. He could buy himself a runaround for a few hundred quid. He's selfish

[Ellie56]

Unless it's chucking it down with rain he should walk to the station. It's free, good exercise and healthy.

[Justaboy]

Your not going to be able to drive for a few weeks once you have the baby

DD2 here was driving a day after she had her babe!

Surely if he drives to the station he has to pay parking for the car?. which will sit there all day under utiulised. Can he not get a commuter bike for just one mile?

Or him get a cheap low cost car for that application ?

Seems to me more going on here then meets the eye?

All seems illogical to me!.

[rainbowstardrops]

I've 100% changed my mind following your subsequent posts and you are definitely NBU!!!!!
Your DH sounds like an utterly selfish arse!
He was still in bed at 12.30/1pm and couldn't be bothered to get up to take you to your own baby shower but wakes you up at 7am to drive him to the station???!!!!
Hell no!
You need to get way, way firmer with this manchild.
Tell him it's your car and if he doesn't want to buy his own car or pay for a taxi then he needs to learn to use his legs!!!!
None of this 'Oh I only need the car once or twice a week' malarkey!
I have a feeling that he's got an enormous wake up call coming his way once the baby is here but unless you put your foot down now and tell him how it is then I can totally see him walking all over you and leaving you to do everything with the baby.
Put your big girl pants on!

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

(he never got it fixed as didn’t want to pay even half the £250 excess)

I'm assuming the other half of the excess was being paid by the other driver in the accident?
Please God don't tell me you were expcted to pay half the excess after HIS accident?

[londonmummy1966]

When he is having his all morning lie in this weekend, get hold of all the sets of keys to your car and hide them. Remind him that he was going to go out and buy a new car and tell him that sharing YOUR car with him doesn't work for you any more because he is treating it as if it was is personal car so he will have to find a way around his problem of getting to and from the station in the mornings as you can't afford a daily taxi.

[JammieCodger]

I'm horrified that anyone without a disability would even consider driving somewhere that's only a mile away; let alone making someone else drive them. And some posters think the solution is to buy another car! No wonder the ice-caps are melting...

[AliceRR]

He now pays half for the car (it’s on one of those balloon type deals)

I bought it nearly three years ago when his car broke down and he said he couldn’t afford a new one. So I paid £220 per month plus insurance and he basically paid the £1000 that he got in part exchange for his car as the deposit and he took my car

I didn’t want or need a new car and I’ve spent a lot more than a £1000 obviously

When that car broke down last year (bearing in mind he was driving 70 miles to work and 70 miles back at the time) he insisted we share. He now pays half the monthly cost of my car as I said he may as well if he’s going to share it (he would do the same then - refuse to discuss when I said I don’t reallh want to share a car and then when he needed it he would have a tantrum) but he didn’t pay for the increased excess or damage or anything when he had the incident last year

He also expects to have the car when he wants it and there’s always a reason why it’s more important he has it

We get free parking at the station

I told him before it’s one thing when we can travel to work together but things will change when I’m on mat leave

I think he expects to continue the same deal then I have the baby. He doesn’t think he should walk to the station but has suggested he could drive to the station and then I can have a nice walk with baby to go and get the car if I need it. Or I can just get up with the baby and take him as that might be nice apparently

I think the issue with him getting a cheap car is the insurance is still a lot

Plus when we move it won’t be a mile to the station, it will be about 2.5 but that will be around end of March

[AliceRR]

I'm assuming the other half of the excess was being paid by the other driver in the accident?
Please God don't tell me you were expcted to pay half the excess after HIS accident?

Yes I was going to pay half but we ended up cancelling it (I had been gone to the garage) cause he didn’t want to pay and thought it was fine as you couldn’t see any damage

[Holidayshopping]

I think he expects to continue the same deal then I have the baby. He doesn’t think he should walk to the station but has suggested he could drive to the station and then I can have a nice walk with baby to go and get the car if I need it. Or I can just get up with the baby and take him as that might be nice apparently

Nice? NICE??!

Well, say that YOU think it would be nice for him to walk, cycle or taxi.

It would also be NICE not to have to get up with a newborn and drive him anywhere! Don’t tell him that might not be happening. Tell him categorily, that it won’t be.

He is being so utterly selfish, it’s worrying you can’t see it.