To be annoyed with DH

[AliceRR]

DH and I are sharing a car at the moment.

I am 38 weeks pregnant and have just started mat leave. Before then DH and I were travelling to work together in another city as I had managed to get a parking space there so could park for free under the building. I have PGP so it’s difficult for me to walk far and stand on the train etc.

Anyway I’m now on mat leave and DH is still working so we have different needs for the car. I don’t need the car every day but there are things I need it for eg shopping and midwife appointment and just getting around. DH needs it to get to work although he’ll be driving to the train station now that he’s going alone and won’t be able to park for free...

I’m annoyed with DH as I feel he wants everything his way regarding the car. He thinks that he should take the car to the station every day and if I want the car that day I should either get up at 7:30 and drive him to the station and then pick him up in the evening (so then would have car all day) OR get a taxi to the station to pick up the car. I’d then need to pick him up after work.

I suggested that wasn’t fair as it means for me to use the car I have to either get up early and go out in the cold when I’m on leave or get a taxi to our car. It’s less than 10 mins in the car so a taxi would cost maybe £4 around here.

He doesn’t have to change anything - he just gets to take the car or be dropped off and picked up.

Part of why it annoys me is I just feel new not thinking of me. I almost always give him a lift to the station on days when I’m not working as I don’t want him walking in the cold, especially as cold as it is now, but he doesn’t think twice about getting me up early.

Today he woke me up at 7:30 to take him to the station and I just didn’t want to get up. It didn’t help that he comes to bed late and so he disturbed me and I ended up having less sleep anyway. I told him I’m not getting up so just take the car. But then I was annoyed as he’d woken me up and I was left without a car!

I suggested (we spoke after he left) we needed another way as I just feel like I’m compromising and he’s doing nothing.

Also he can’t discuss it. I just want a solution we’re both happy with, bearing in mind i plan to take maternity leave for a year, and thinks will change again when I have a newborn baby. He just says fine I’ll buy a car at the weekend and you can have your own way. But he won’t. It’s just his way out of the discussion!

AIBU?

I think I’m not. I think he’s being selfish.

But I know some of you may think I’m probably making something of nothing. I’m grumpy at the moment! And I woke up in a bad mood because I was woken up and I can’t really go back to sleep...

No, ChickenWing, ffs! Howihow is that a compromise?? Op’s h is waking her up to drive him to the station IN HER OWN CAR THAT SHE PAYS FOR.

Why is that fair? He should walk, and let her sleep.

In all honesty you will not be able to get up to drop him off in the morning when you have a baby who is asleep after being awake all night. It's just not going to happen. He's going to have to accept that as who the hell would wake a sleeping baby to drive someone who could walk there. Or he could bike? I would also be worried about being at home with a baby and no car in case I needed to urgently get to the doctors. Ok you could call an ambulance if it was an emergency but there'll still be times when you need a same day doc appointment for the baby. Is there a bus he can catch?!

I agree it’s not going to work when I have a baby and when we move at the end of March the station will be about 2.5 miles away

I’m not aware of a bus to the station from here. The station is so close I can’t imagine it would be any easier to get there by bus. It’s all a downhill walk in the morning though

I’m sorry to have to say this but your delusional!

From the beginning he’s had it all his way,

1. You ended up paying for YOUR wedding, when HE said he would pay half, his pay off . yOU would get half off HIS house (bet your not on the deeds yet?)
2. yOU gave him YOUR old car, that HE didn’t want
3. HE didn’t pay the deposit on the car you have now, as it was YOURS to begin with
4. YOUR insurance is higher because of HIM on it, so YOU pay more than what you would on your own
5. You should add up all the costs of bills, food,petrol,insurance everything house related for the month and HALF it.

Not getting food whoever picks it up, he’s one step ahead of you.

1. As for you getting up to take him to station, F... That. He’s a grown man
2. YOU & HIM are going to have one big shock coming to you when the baby arrives ( we’ll probably YOU, as HE will just say “ I’ve been at work all day” it will be left to you OP without a doubt
3. He will end up in other bedroom, as HE as to get up to WORK tomorrow, not that looking after a baby, cooking,cleaning,washing,shopping is HARDER especially when you’ve been woken every 4 hrs a night or more!
4. The house move, a BIG NO NO NO please for your sake, even if you do have to rent. This will give you breathing space to see exactly what he’s like when the baby arrives.

10. You have been married 2.5 yrs, already HE is showing his TRUE colours SELFISH to the chore 11. The baby things, 50/50,

I could go on and on, he is never ever going to change.
I put all my money on it that HE and EX split up because of HIS behaviour. It’s a pity you can’t get EX’s version of the split
That would be interesting

Put this way OP, if this was your daughter who was telling you this about her husband
What would you say?????? LTB I bet

Your letting him walk all over you because you don’t want to argue, you’ve been to counselling and it’s done nothing, even though you say it’s better now, god what was it like before.

Please don’t buy that other house, your getting in deeper with somebody who only thinks about themselves

I also bet he hates paying for his kids?.?

IT IS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BLOODY CAR!!

Sorry for shouting.

Please read @AnoukSpirit post. And read it again.

And take it in.

He hasn't really changed though, has he? What he's done is manipulate and intimidate you into him taking over your car, stolen from you by making you pay for the insurance (and the extra due to his failure as a driver), and abused you by becoming aggressive for no reason when you tried to compromise.

He's not a good man, he's not going to become a good man. I know you hope that his fear of being divorced and having a second child in shared custody will work to make him decent. It won't. All that's going to happen is that you will be back here, posting about him refusing to pay for your baby's essentials, or refusing to pay for childcare, or refusing to take sick leave for your shared child, or insisting he personally should receive the child benefit. And yes he might pay lip service, or show a tiny incremental improvement, but that's as good as it is ever going to get. You cannot fix him. All you can do is decide how long you're going to play his game.

I’ve just re read what
@Anouksprit written

It’s an excellent post and sums up
Mental Abuse

I’m may be barking up the wrong tree here
But I get the feeling he is much older than you???

Today please read and keep re reading
Anouuksprit piece it is so spit on
And don’t just keep thinking of the ONE thing (car) look at the bigger picture

I fear for you, and your future
Listen to some wise mumsnetters
And not a controlling and mental Abuse husband (sorry that may hurt
Seeing it written down, and people calling your husband) but it’s so so true love.

Yesterday I posted because I thought he was just a lazy arse, and I hadn’t really rtft. Now I have and there are so many red flags. You say that when you have that baby he’s going to have to recognise that you can’t give him a lift. You say that when you go on to SMP he’s going to have to start paying his way with the food and bills. But where’s your evidence? You’re heavily pregnant and in pain now, and he’s still putting his needs first; he’s not going to change just because the baby arrives.

He is abusing you. He’s not doing it because he doesn’t see it’s impact on you; he’s doing it because he doesn’t care. Please don’t bring a child into a relationship where it will grow up learning that it’s normal and acceptable for a woman to tiptoe around because it’s easier not to upset a man, and to always put her needs below his wants.

Please think very hard about what AnoukSpirit has said. Things are not going to change for the better. I wonder if maybe you feel that your family would consider ending a marriage to be a mark of failure. It’s not, and if they love you and knew how he was treating you, they’d want you out.

I was going to say I had some sympathy for your husband's position, until I read you only live a mile from the station! That's ridiculous

I walk a mile to nursery with a pram and then another half mile to the station every day, and I am also 38 weeks pregnant! I can't believe a grown presumably fit man expects to be driven one mile, or have sole right to the car.

OP. I'm wondering if he got the car today. Or if he walked to the station whistling a cheerful tune after bringing you a cup of tea in bed. To quote NannyOgg, it's NOT ABOUT THE CAR! If you sorted the car, there'd be something else he would beat you over the head with. It's him and you're enabling him. Go and read Anoukspirit's post again. Lots of pp's have urged you to. Please listen to them, and to that very quiet voice inside you telling you that something is not right.
Every time you opt for a quiet life, confirms for him that if he throws a tantrum, he will get what he wants. If he keeps on and on arguing, he gets what he wants. If he gives in but says it's your fault, you will soften up, give in again, and he gets what he wants.

I do take on board all the comments and yes I do feel things are not fair financially etc. He obviously thinks he does more or the same. He gets annoyed if he had to put more petrol in the car but he will barely buy food. I did an online shop on Monday and there is enough food for a week (I did use £25 vouchers that we’d collected but it was another £50-60 on top of that). When he goes shopping he’ll just about buy enough for a meal. It’s rare he’ll shop for a couple of days.

We will have to sort something out as I can’t contribute to the bills, pay for all the stuff for our child and then most of the food, when I’m on mat leave. I have to buy food though as otherwise there is nothing to eat!

I’m not ready to have a joint account with him and I’m sure many of you would say don’t bother...

He didn’t take the car. He’s not taking it tomorrow either as I have a midwife appointment.

It might do him some good to walk.

He just called me to ask how I am. I told him I was just putting the shopping away or whatever but slept til about half 12 🙈

He said “oh who would have thought yesterday was all about tiredness”

I thought Err, no. I was tired but we argued yesterday because you were a selfish tw*t!

Then he said he’s got to go now as I’m meeting someone for lunch.

He’s annoying me. I suggested he just leave me alone.

Hopefully he won’t call me at 6 o’clock when he wants a lift!

hmmm, You need to have a communal pot for communal expenses, ie food. EXCEPT PETROL, (as he is using the car considerably more than you including picking up his child.etc )
You know this needs sorting, he hasn't put you on the house deeds.
He is financially abusing you & you know it.

I'm only on page 7 but your husband sounds like a nasty, self-absorbed, narcissistic pig. I don't suggest this lightly, but I would suggest you get out now. He won't change. He wants everything his way. He doesn't give a stuff about you. To be frank, it sounds like he doesn't even like you. What I suggest is going to couples therapy. But he probably won't agree because everything is about him. Seriously, he sounds like a no-hoper, a piece of trash. Wtf were you thinking?!?? I hope his appendage is made of gold because I wouldn't go near him if he was the last guy on earth. I'd join a nunnery. Seriously though, he has no idea, he thinks nothing will change after you have a baby? He hasn't factored in doctor's/paediatrician visits etc? He is the most self-absorbed narcissist I have read on this site, and I have been reading here for around 3 years and thought I'd see everything. Ultimatum time: you both go for couple's therapy or you're over. O.V.E.R And mean it. He is treating you like live-in help, like you are nothing but a piece of shit. Not the mother of his child. Or his life partner, his best friend, his confidante, his love.

Are you me op?! We didn't live together before marriage either. But I was married young - 20 - he was 26.

There is a bit of an age gap. I am 34 and he is 43 but I was 22 when when met...

I do sometimes think that I fell in love with him when I was v young and naive

I am conscious that I have presented a negative picture and there are two sides to every story but I think we do need to talk.

I would be happy to go to counselling again but I know what he’d say: that we can’t afford it with the new house and baby and me on mat leave.

I’m not on the deeds to the house but the new house would be in joint names.

If you have time please read this book.

Why Does He do That by Lundy Bancroft

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

OP, I don't know, I really don't consider 8 or 9 years to be an age gap. There was 6 years between my parents and they were married for 48 years before my father passed away, there is 17 years between me and mine, many people have a bigger age gap that 8/9 years.

As my afford it, you are both lawyers. Even though you aren't working at the moment. But he is and being a lawyer is a good paid job. At this point I would tell him that our marriage cannot 'afford' not to have therapy. The cost of not going will be the marriage. Can he 'afford' to lose his wife and child?

Are you going back to work?

Is he prepared to split childcare costs?

I think in this context, having met at 22, him 34 it is actually a big difference, you were probably still training, he was a lot more mature & married with kids. It like he modelled you into this home help, child sitter, partial financer
You absolutely MUST go back to full time work, after your maternity leave you cannot be financially dependent on him. your life will not be worth a fig if he has that much control

I knew he’d be older than yourself, you can read between the lines.

Im not suggesting you have a joint acct no no
You add all bill out goings and split 50-50
We have our bank accts each and have a joint one for bills & food which equals £1050 mth so each puts £525 in. Same again for mortgage 50-50

But he’s shafted you there, because you paid for the wedding
Is he putting ALL the money from the house down as a deposit on the new house? And not keeping any back for himself?

You need to have the financial talk ASAP to know exactly where you stand.

I should think he will have a clause where he keeps the equivalent of the equity he puts in, he wouldn't want to share with his wife after all

Please make sure you read any solicitors papers throughly!
Somewhere in there, as said will probably be a clause
In the invent off dissolved marriage the first £££ belongs to MR .......
From the sole property he owned previously
Any equity after is to be split 50-50

Check check double check

No I don’t think he expects to have an amount equiv to his equity. We have said we would hold as joint tenants

We do something similar @granadagirl We each get paid into our own accounts and they we pay an amount equal to 50% of the household expenses (now including the car) each into the account

The problem I think we have is that we don’t do anything like that for food. If I address it he says he thinks he pays more than his fair share for petrol and food. However he doesn’t. And if I suggest food comes out of the joint account or we split it eg he pays one week I pay the next or whatever he says no because I have more money than him and he “can’t keep up with” me. I say he could spend less on a weekly shop then I have but he won’t do it

Today when I got in the car the petrol light came on immediately!!

I think it's you that's being unreasonable. If you want the car take him to the station? If you think 7:30 is early now wait until your children have arrived :) I think your hormones are not making you be rational here

I’m sorry, but it seems very much he is a liar and a fantasist.

He contradicts you all the time and just doesn’t tell the truth about how things are. Does he believe what he’s saying?