To think DH should be able to take time out to care for sick child?

[Toughtips]

DD isn't well. Don't know what's wrong but something is going off.

Im a month into new job, he's been at his for 3yr.

He said no when I asked if he'd mind taking the day off with her tomorrow as I've got some more training to do and want to make a good impression whilst I'm on probation.

He said no and that his jobs more important and he earns X amount a year.

I feel so annoyed that he won't help me out. He doesn't see my full time job important because I earn significantlt less a year than him.

Drives me round the bend when people say nonsense like their DH's job is 'so important' and/or he earns most therefore of course he shouldn't take time off.

Why on earth should the mother's employer bear the brunt of childcare problems? The burden should be shared equally between the two employers, that way both parents get to keep their jobs and the couple between them aren't reinforcing all sorts of stereotypes about working mothers and thereby perpetuating discrimination against women in the workplace.

Oh, and this: "He’s legally entitled to 5 family days so he should take the time off." is nonsense. There's no such limit. Any parent is entitled to a non-specified, non-limited, reasonable amount of emergency dependents' leave which usually involves one or two days per incidence. Of course, if a woman takes all or most of the time off for emergencies involving a couple's children, even though she has a perfectly able partner, her employer is likely to reach the 'this is no longer reasonable' threshold much sooner.)

It’s astonishing how quickly MRAs come on to screech “man haters” when it’s a situation of ONE couple where the OP would like her partner to be equally responsible in parenting their own child.

This situation is a no-brainer. OP is on probation and training, her husband is in a secure role with high enough responsibility to earn a decent wage. It’s patently obvious who should take the day to care for their children.

Of course he should, his attitude to your job is disgusting as well- I bet he would moan though as well if you didn’t work. Do you think the issue is more he doesn’t want to look after her rather than being concerned about work?

He doesn't need to help you out.

You seriously need to change your mindset about wanting him to help you out with childcare.

He works full time.

So do you.

So childcare is BOTH of your responsibility. If he has a day of work (and he bloody should) it's to do his job. You know, as a Dad. Like you're expected to do.

He doesn't get to wave his penis and wage check around and declare how much more important he is than you.

How early does he go to work?
Can you tell him its his turn to stay home and get out the house earlier so he has to?

'The main reason I earn less than you is because I sacrificed 8 years of my working life to have YOUR children, who you now take no responsibility for, while throwing my lower salary back in my face and telling me I am less important than you'

This is what I would say to him. This topic really boils my blood. Have we really gained anything as women or are we just getting stuck with the worst of everything and told to like it?

was the agreement/understanding upon having kids that you would be primary carer?
Do people really stand there and say look, we can have a kid, but it's your primary responsibility. I'm not interested in caring for them when they're sick, doing night feeds or dirty nappies. But hey ho baby,ets crack on and get pregnant

If it came to this, I would happily walk out before my husband had a chance to and leave him in the lurch last minute if he were so selfish as to disregard me.

For me, it wouldn't even be about the money or work at the bottom of it. It would be about the father of my child caring for that child when they were ill. About my child being able to look back on their childhood knowing that BOTH parents would care for them if they were sick.

My mum was freelance and worked from home, so she did all the sick days. I have no idea what it would be like to be looked after by my dad if I'd been ill.

YANBU.

My husband and I used to earn similar amounts. He was starting to earn more just before we had kids, but I turned down a promotion that would have kept pace but was incompatible with young children (as did he, but he had more options).

Since they've been born his career has really taken off and I returned to work part time in a slightly lower paid role. I now earn about a third of his salary.

If one of the dc is ill, and its a day I'm due to work, we discuss it and figure out who needs to get to work most. 2 weeks into my current job he took 5 days off when one had chicken pox.

The result? I have a career. I can take on challenges at work knowing I can commit to them. I do 90% of pick up and drop off but if I want to stay late or go in early, or need to travel for a meeting then he's flexible. This means I can go for promotion and in 10 years time you wouldn't know I'd taken a career break. My husband does it because he loves and supports me, because he wants to be an equal parent and at least partly because he likes the idea of me earning as much as him (ok he's competitive so maybe a little less) and having a luxury lifestyle.

My boss and my husband's boss give us plenty of flexibility because we have proven ourselves. I'd wonder why your husband hasn't earned that flexibility in a job where clearly (as his boss does it) its possible.

In general, no-one has to take a day off. Child can be looked after by someone other than a parent, who might be paid.

The whole idea of the lower earning worker taking time off just perpetuates the gender pay gap. People who repeatedly need to take time off to look after unwell children are unlikely to be promoted above those who dont. So those who take time off get stuck at the bottom while their partners career and pay continues to progress.

And why should employers of women be expected to subsidise their partners company?

This thread's giving me the rage!

I earn twice as much as my DH. If one of us needs to take a day off, we compare diaries. Most day's it's really easy - one or both of us will have a day that we can either WFH or take a day's leave. Very, very rarely we both have things we need to attend, and then we have more in-depth conversation about it, but we both know that we're not taking the piss.

OP - it speaks volumes that he's basically admitted his female boss takes time off to look after ill children.That he was coy about it means he knows full well he could take time off if he wanted to. He's choosing not to.

He's had a cushy life for 8 years. He hasn't had to think about the children at all - they've been your job, and they're still your job in his head. He doesn't want that to change, so you're going to have to force it. Either he's a decent man who's going to realise he's being unreasonable and change (albeit reluctantly), or you've married a sexist twat.

You're entitled to go out to work, just as he is. The fact that his career was protected for 8 years means it's actually time that your career is nurtured and protected ahead of his. It's his turn to make some sacrifices on behalf of the family.

As a PP said, you need to value your career. Demand equality to his - 50:50 sick days, drop-offs/pick-ups. He needs to pick up half the housework, half the childcare. Half of any nighttime wakings. Give your career a chance, and 8 years of preferential treatment, and it could well grow to be as lucrative as his. (If that's what you want.)

If his job is treated as more important today it will always be more important. This matters because it's about your current and future earning ability. Can't your DH understand that teamwork between you now will benefit the family in the long term?

It's incredibly short-sighted to look at the difference in your earnings today and conclude that his job should always take priority. If your employer has a choice between someone who has 100% responsibility for childcare and someone who has 50% then you are going to lose out on opportunities to develop your career and increase your earning power.

This is important. If your job has to take second place to his today this will damage your long-term career prospects.

Do people really stand there and say look, we can have a kid, but it's your primary responsibility. I'm not interested in caring for them when they're sick, doing night feeds or dirty nappies. But hey ho baby,ets crack on and get pregnant

I know one couple where this happened. Even though she 'agreed' she's deeply unhappy. He has zero relationship with his child. it's really sad.

OP - it speaks volumes that he's basically admitted his female boss takes time off to look after ill children.That he was coy about it means he knows full well he could take time off if he wanted to. He's choosing not to.

Obviously, presumably because he's after her job and thinks never taking time off makes him look better than her.

to be flamed here but i think being the highest wage earner he does have to be careful? I know your just as important and your job is important but if it can't pay the bills if he got in trouble then sorry.

he should explain a little better though

YANBU, he sounds like a sexist Neanderthal. He isn’t ‘helping you out’, it is his daughter too. Send him back to the 1950s from whence he came.

We have always done alternate days.
If he had a special meeting then I would stay home. If I had a conference, then he would stay at home.
I remember him staying one day, I would stay the next, then they would have to go to child care after that.
It would always be,’I stayed last time so it is your turn this time’.
Even though he earned significantly more than me, we were partners in child care.

YANBU
I would really struggle with his attitude. Not that he can't take the time off but he won't as his job is more important. He may be paid more, but your employer shouldn't be the one expected to take the "hit" each time. Like you say, he's been with his current employers longer, whereas you've only been employed for a short period of time.

That he seems to not care for what consequences it may have on your new career would be a real deal-breaker for me.

"to be flamed here but i think being the highest wage earner he does have to be careful? "

Both parents have equal rights with regards to taking emergency dependents' leave, and unless the amount the father is taking turns into an unreasonable amount (seems unlikely in this case, don't you think?) his job is not at risk by taking the odd day off due to a childcare emergency.

The OP is in her probationary period. While she also has the right to take emergency dependents' leave, and cannot technically be sacked for doing so either, probationary period or not, realistically she is far more in need of being 'careful' than her DH. At such an early stage, it would be very foolish for the parent in a probationary period to take time off as opposed to the parent in a secure job. Absolutely daft that he's not immediately volunteering to take the hit.

Generally the real reason men/couples are reluctant for the father to take time off isn't because they genuinely think his job would be at risk if he took the odd day.

It's more commonly either because as a couple they want to reduce the financial impact on the family, (and don't care that it means the impact is greater on one employer than the other) and/or because the DH is a dinosaur and worries about the impression he will give at work by taking time off for child-related reasons.

Jobs may be at risk if a person takes more time than an employer would consider reasonable. No one's DH is going to lose his job if he takes a fair share of the childcare related time off. Whereas mothers who take all or the lion's share, may well find their jobs at risk, because the amount of time (together with the fact that it isn't all necessary because there is another parent available) is less likely to be seen as reasonable.

I earned triple exdp’s salary as a senior manager and we shared child illness days. I was luckier as I worked from home a lot as I was field based- laptop, phone, conference calls etc. So some times I was working from home when they were ill anyway so no problem.

But I was also lucky that I had a manager- a director, female although had no children (through choice) who was brillient. If I phoned to stay I couldn’t go to X meeting because dc was unwell, she’d say no problem are you able to work from home? She didn’t assume you could. She appreciated that if you had a vomiting child, you weren’t going to be glued to your phone and laptop. She also allowed me WFH days when I had meetings for all training days, sports days, Christmas plays and concerts. She’s say just send your apologies but you are busy elsewhere.

I must admit I done the same for the team I managed- following her lead. I think it made for far more productive employees, because people had a good work/life balance. There was no guilt or resentment for missing out on the things your dc were doing, and also knowing that you could be there for them when they were unwell.

Note:- we did discapline and get rid of three members of staff for basically taking the piss. For example one had school 2 sports days, 1 of those in August🤦‍♀️ and another thought that shutting her lap top and not answering her phone after 1pm when working from home was acceptable. So it has to be monitored closely!

"to be flamed here but i think being the highest wage earner he does have to be careful? "

Of course, but 'being careful' doesn't mean 'always saying no without considering it'. Of course there will be times he genuinely can't, and no-one's saying he needs to start taking days off regardless of his duties. But there's no longer a SAHM to do it all. He has additional duties outside of work that he's going to have to start considering.

... although I bet he doesn't. So many times on here the woman ends up working AND doing all the childcare AND doing all the housework because the man's job is Oh-so-important.

It's amazing to me how often men claim to have no flexibility in their jobs, but women doing the exact same job miraculously do. I wonder if he's even asked?

I just wanted to take issue with the poster earlier who claimed you can solve this problem by paying someone. You can't generally pay childcare to take a sick child and nor would most people be able to use friends/relatives, never mind the fact that often illness arises at short notice. It really is down to the parents in the vast majority of cases.

He is not “helping you out” fgs! It’s his daughter too

This attitude of the higher earner taking time off winds me up!
Here is an example - teaching assistants are highly likely to be the lower earner in a couple. Are we all fine with them taking time off every time to look after sick children or would you be up in arms when your child is unsupported or there is an incident with an unsupported child?

It is insulting to lower paid jobs as it suggests they are less important. There are plenty of jobs in the nhs / education etc which are low paid but I am sure we can all agree are vital and taking days off should not be taken lightly.

I do understand sometimes it is unavoidable but my point is these are not less important and should therefore these people should not be the ones always taking time off just because their partner earns more . It’s insulting to dedicated people who care about their job and the people they help.