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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should be able to take time out to care for sick child?

174 replies

Toughtips · 28/01/2019 20:36

DD isn't well. Don't know what's wrong but something is going off.

Im a month into new job, he's been at his for 3yr.

He said no when I asked if he'd mind taking the day off with her tomorrow as I've got some more training to do and want to make a good impression whilst I'm on probation.

He said no and that his jobs more important and he earns X amount a year.

I feel so annoyed that he won't help me out. He doesn't see my full time job important because I earn significantlt less a year than him.

OP posts:
ScrumptiousBears · 28/01/2019 20:51

He is a twat. Simple as.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/01/2019 20:54

I'm genuinely surprised I'm the lone voice here.
For me, it isn't about male/female, it isn't about who cares more for their daughter; simply on a practical financial level, if one person earns X and the other person earns 10x X, and this is unpaid leave, then the family is far better served to forfeit the X rather than the 10x X.
(This isn't a response particularly to the op, as being on probation is a different situation, but rather to the - everyone else! - who disagrees with me and thinks it should be shared).

Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 20:56

I don't expect him to have 50/50 time off at all.

He earns more than I do.

I just want to make a good impression and not give anyone a reason to say oh she's not a good fit for this role due to her having time off... Being un reliable etc.

I'm getting on really well at work and have good feedback but don't want to tarnish this.

I was just hoping to have a bit more support m especially as he can bring a laptop home to work from. I can't

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 28/01/2019 20:56

arethereanyleftatall - you are the lone voice here so far. Get over it!

Nicknacky · 28/01/2019 20:57

I earn less than my op. He is more flexible than me to an extent. The employers of the lower paid parents aren’t going to be impressed they their job is treated as the less important one.

PinkGin24 · 28/01/2019 21:00

@arethereanyleftatall you aren't the lone voice, I said a similar thing on a previous oage. But of course the man haters on here jump at any opportunity!

timeisnotaline · 28/01/2019 21:00

If my dh doesn’t support me i don’t support him. If he loves his child he should respect the time off work and the challenge of being pregnant, having the baby and caring for it. Part of this respect is supporting me getting back to work. I’d stop cooking for him or washing or anything now I know respect , caring and being a responsible committed parent are not on his agenda.
When I go back after mat leave we agree that my partner is the first to leave early or stay home if baby is sick so I can make a good returning to work impression.

Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 21:02

I'm not a man hater. I love my husband to bits. Im just frustrated by the lack of support and felt demoralised because me taking time off with the kids means I've gone into a job that pays significantly less as I had to put my career prospects on hold.

I'm very thankful he's been ambitious to be able to support us but I wanted to do something for me again. Just feels like I'm on my own with the childcare and it's my sole responsibility.

OP posts:
sahknowme · 28/01/2019 21:04

My DH earns significantly more than me. He gets annoyed at me when I say "it would be a big help if you would..."

That said, I do believe I need to take more days off to care for DS than he does, as we can't risk his income. But, if he can take the day off/work from home then he will.

PinkGin24 · 28/01/2019 21:04

@toughtips when did you last take time off work to stay at home with a sick child? Your post doesn't seem to talk about when you have? If you have fair enough but otherwise there is no more reason your husband should than you should...

Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 21:06

@pinkgin24

Given that I've only just started a new full time job then 0 times as yet.

I have no job security at the minute whilst on probation. DH does so feel it would be beneficial for him to just take one day rather than me have to miss a group training session.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 21:08

Beneficial for me not him. Although him having one day off won't do anything to hurt his job however it could go against me if push came to shove.

OP posts:
Owwlie · 28/01/2019 21:11

The OP has a new job of only a month. She's on probation, of course it should be her DH taking the time off. After this it should be taken in turns.

When I went back after maternity leave and DD was ill a fair bit, DP did all of the sickness for the first few months, to make sure that I had time to settle back in without looking unreliable.

The OPs DH will be entitled to the same parental leave for his child being sick as the OP is. He won't lose his job over taking time off for her being sick. He just can't be bothered and sees it as the OPs job, not his.

Nicknacky · 28/01/2019 21:13

PinkGin op has been in the job for one month, I would hope she hadn’t been off yet. Her H should be taking it off if needed while she builds up a reputation as a reliable worker. Her H has already don’t that.

Op, you didn’t answer when I asked earlier if you had discussed this when you were going back to work?

PinkGin24 · 28/01/2019 21:16

Her jusband also might have majorly important contracts/meetings/projects?

And if he has to take unpaid leave and earns more then it is a no brainer that financially the lesser earner takes the time off.

But, no, he must of course be a woman hating, childcare dodging, evil excuse for a man because this is mumsnet after all Hmm

timeisnotaline · 28/01/2019 21:16

Erm she’s taken what sounds like at least a year off for THEIR child. His job won’t be hurt by a day at home, hers will. It’s a no brainer here. Once someone earns more do some people really think they can just check out of parenting? How about supporting the partner who has made career sacrifices rather than treating them as less important for the rest of their lives (much less likely to recover income without support so could easily be the rest of their lives)

Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 21:17

@nicknacky no we didn't discuss it. But it's clear he's assumed that it should be on me. And I wouldn't mind at all when I'm a year or two into the job but one month in I don't want to be seen as unreliable. As much as I don't get paid as much as him I still value what I do get paid and hope to work my way up.

OP posts:
MsJaneAusten · 28/01/2019 21:18

then the family is far better served to forfeit the X rather than the 10x X

But it isn’t just about money for one day is it? It’s about the OP keeping her job, or not. More than that, it’s about being a team.

Dh earns significantly more than me. He takes. Ore time off if the kids are ill because his role is more flexible. He doesn’t do it ‘to help me’; he does it because he’s a parent.

Originallymeonly · 28/01/2019 21:19

This is probably not what you want to hear but I have a teenager and a preteen. Last week for the first time in both their lives their father looked after one of them when too unwell for school. We've been divorced less than a year.
His attitude was always like your DH, he had the "proper" full time job and I was just a part time and being a mummy was more important, despite my 0.5fte salary being nearly 60% of his ft. Now there's a court order in place.

Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 21:19

@time I took 8 years out. We have to children. I was fortunate that his income has been able to support us all. But I always wanted to work but it was never the right time. Now the kids are able to go to school I can. Just want to be careful with time off during a fragile stage in anew role.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 28/01/2019 21:20

Start the way you mean to go on.
Some men think their life isn't going to change, once we go back to work, they get fed up when their rourine changes. Well tough shit regardless of earnings. Is it fair for you to take the time off and feel like a failure in your new job.
My DP was an ass at first, when I returned to work, I made it very clear very quick that things are changing as we are a couple it was halves.
Is DD in nursery, were you at home with your DD prior to your new job, do not let him get away with this or before you know it you'll be run raged in work.

DanglyBangly · 28/01/2019 21:20

Have you been a SAHM before this job? For how long?

Nicknacky · 28/01/2019 21:20

tough I do think you need to start as you mean to go on, even when you have established yourself he still needs to takes his fair share when needed. But you probably know that already!

EmeraldShamrock · 28/01/2019 21:21

Seen your update, 8 years at home looking after the mental load and everything else, tell him to get stuffed it is your time to shine. I would be livid with him, so unfair.

Popfan · 28/01/2019 21:22

It annoys me so much when people say (as some pp above do) that the lower earner should be the one to take the time off! As well as the being equal parent, how about the impact on the business you work for? I don't care if the other partner earns more, you are valuable to the business which is why you have been employed to do a job! It just suggests that you don't see your job as important.
So OP you absolutely are not unreasonable. Hope you can sort this or the same argument will happen every time.