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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should be able to take time out to care for sick child?

174 replies

Toughtips · 28/01/2019 20:36

DD isn't well. Don't know what's wrong but something is going off.

Im a month into new job, he's been at his for 3yr.

He said no when I asked if he'd mind taking the day off with her tomorrow as I've got some more training to do and want to make a good impression whilst I'm on probation.

He said no and that his jobs more important and he earns X amount a year.

I feel so annoyed that he won't help me out. He doesn't see my full time job important because I earn significantlt less a year than him.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 29/01/2019 00:27

I really don't get it with these men who won't take time off for a sick child. DH and I both worked full time and we used to fight each other for who got to stay home when one of the DC were ill! Who wouldn't want an unanswerable reason for taking a paid day off?

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/01/2019 00:43

He's always going to earn a lot more than you if you can't prioritise your work life the way he can. You say you're happy to be the default carer and take time off work in a few years - but why? And why do you think your employer should value you if you're prepared to do that. He's made you feel bad and as though he doesn't value your job as much as his own - and he doesn't, but neither do you.

I don't think YABU but you probably need to be the change you want to see. If he isn't prepared to value your work that much maybe you need to value it that much. Tell him it's not acceptable to you, that you aren't asking him and it's not up to him to decide whose job is more important and don't accept a non-50/50 agreement on this, or get an emergency nanny (yes it will cost far too much, but there are times you are going to have to put some resources into pursuing your career, just as you have both put resources in the form of your labour into your DH pursuing his career) or (and this is taking you close to divorce territory) just leave the house earlier than him and text him to tell him he needs to get it sorted and not to treat you like an idiot in the future.

CantStopMeNow · 29/01/2019 02:51

You married a misogynist.
He wants you at home, dependent on him and being an unpaid skivvy.
Why did you have children with someone like this?
Surely you knew his attitude before you got married?
Or at least when you discussed having dc and returning to work?
He's going to do his utmost to sabotage your return to work and he will use the dc to do it - dickheads like him are so predictable.
I don't know how you can even 'love' someone who looks down on you, refuses to support you and, even worse, refuses to do his share of parenting.

Is he going to be taking on more chores round the house now that you're back at work - or is that still your job too?

timeisnotaline · 29/01/2019 02:57

The level of disrespect it takes to look your partner in the face and flat refuse to return one ounce of the support they've given - you wouldn't expect it from your worst enemy. It was so disappointing and I realised that up to that point he had no intention of even recognising what I'd sacrificed for our family, never mind repaying it. I felt a fool.
I think people should copy this and save it, it says it perfectly. I had a similar moment with dc2 about getting up to the baby at night. It’s hard to look at someone and care for them while their actions tell you they don’t care about you, value you or your enormous contribution to your family at all.

FireFlyFleur · 29/01/2019 03:38

Ask him if money is more important than his sick child?

ItsThisOneThing · 29/01/2019 06:04

Would he even consider working from home in the morning, even until 12? And then at least you can show face and explain that you've managed to get a couple of hours of childcare to get some of the training? That would go a long way to showing your commitment. I agree that absence in probation, especially in training, does not go down well.

That aside, I think your husband's attitude is appalling. Sorry 😐

Teateaandmoretea · 29/01/2019 07:14

I think half the time employers don't make it well known to men that they are entitled to look after their own kids and that it is ok so it's automatically assumed the mother's responsibility.

ConfusedHmm. Yes these men who are so 'talented' that they can earn £££££ need basic common sense pointing out to them. Or do they just prefer not to...? I wonder 🤔

It's joint responsibility op. The money doesn't matter pps who talk about risk to the larger income should not have a job if they aren't going to prioritise it as highly as their husbands. That type of mummy pin-money mindset/ man is more important (as per OP'S dh) gives women a bad name in the workplace. Hardly surprising we earn less on average is it when people even defend it as standard behaviour.

TheNumberfaker · 29/01/2019 07:32

In general, I agree with the ‘whoever gets paid less takes the day off’ rule - mainly because you might not get paid for the day off, so it’s better to be deprived of the lower pay.
However, there are exceptions:

  1. Just started a new job
  2. Unavoidable training
  3. Lower paid parent has already had lots of time off due to sickness (their own or child’s)
My younger daughter was ill the second week into me starting my current job. DH worked from home that day, even though he earns more than 5 times what I earn!
WH1SPERS · 29/01/2019 07:39

Well the “ whoever gets paid less “ rule is nearly always going to Have the swme result as the old fashioned and discriminatory “ person who has a uterus “ rule.

Because generally, in a het couple, it’s the woman who has taken maternity leave and gone part time to care for THEIR kids.

It’s a bit like saying that only people over 5’8” can apply for the the jobs but you are not discriminating by sex, just by height. Many men and few women will meet the criterion.

workornot · 29/01/2019 07:41

he is a twat, OP, and you know it.

I would leave the house extra early to force it onto him tbh.

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 29/01/2019 07:43

I think it really depends. DP (soon to be DH) would probably not take time off with unwell children - although I’m sure he would offer!

But that’s because he’s an NHS consultant and if he took the day off with no notice it would almost certainly result in operations being cancelled/pushed to another day!

So I always feel morally obligated to take the hit as my office job really is less important- it doesn’t affect anyone else if I’m away!

People on MN are sooo quick to demand everything is fully equal but I think it depends on your set up- was the agreement/understanding upon having kids that you would be primary carer?

I mean think about those with partners in the military! To an extent you are responsible for the role you have opted to play in the relationship!

workornot · 29/01/2019 07:47

People on MN are sooo quick to demand everything is fully equal but I think it depends on your set up- was the agreement/understanding upon having kids that you would be primary carer?

Op just started a new role - it's not that hard to understand that she needs some support esp as she took care of the DC for the past 8 years. And if both OP and her DH work full time, is is just as much DH's job to look after a poorly child.

Phineyj · 29/01/2019 07:48

And what about the beneficiaries of the these lower paid jobs? Do my students miss out less than my DH's students, if I'm off due to DC illness? Obviously not and as a lecturer, he can rearrange lecture times to an extent, which I can't really do with lessons. The gender disadvantages are compounded also by women generally marrying men who are a little older and more established in their careers. Grr, I am cross for you, OP. I"m sure it's been said, but what is your DH role modelling for your DD. Does he want her putting up with this crap?!

Phineyj · 29/01/2019 07:49

You can bet these men expect the nurses, teachers etc to be there when they need them...

Youseethethingis · 29/01/2019 08:09

You might “ask” a neighbour to “help you out”, not your husband and child’s father! A father of a daughter should be giving his head a wobble for standing by the sexism that will likely damage his child when she is an adult.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 29/01/2019 08:09

I agree with your husband.

Sometimes I find that actually the longer or higher up your company position, the more it's looked down that you take time off for childcare.

Livpool · 29/01/2019 08:12

My Dh and I do 50/50. We don't work for the same company so it means neither of us looks 'bad'.

YANBU - he is a parent so need to act like one

sheerjewl · 29/01/2019 08:17

My boy was ill last week. My OH off his own back cancelled his meeting so he could stay at home and I could go to work. I work part time. He earns considerably more than me.

I honestly don't know how people put up with men like that. Raising a family is a partnership. My OH WANTS to look after his son - doesn't see it as a chore.

Your DH probably would prefer to be at work rather than looking after a sick child as let's face it, it can be tiring. So he's coming out with all the excuses.

Don't put up with it. You need to stand your ground now otherwise this is how it's always going to be. Your job is just as important and who says you won't be earning more than him one day....

workornot · 29/01/2019 08:19

the more it's looked down that you take time off for childcare

only, it is not childcare. It is parenting Confused and OP is asking for 1 day in 8 years.

P2202 · 29/01/2019 08:30

My DC is 10 and I've always had to take time off work when he's been sick, does my head in but DH is up early and out door before it happens.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 29/01/2019 08:31

A trainee firefighter earns about £22k a year. Does he think his job is more important than someone who goes into burning buildings to save lives?

A junior doctor will be on about £26k when they start. Y'know - those people in white coats that are literally making life and death decisions.

Paramedics start on £23k or so. The ones who are saving your life in the back of an ambulance.

If he honestly thinks that the worth of someone's job is tied to how much they earn, then he needs to give his head a wobble. I suspect you'll find that it's not about the money - it's about the fact that he's a man and doesn't want to do his share of the shit work (including childcare) because he thinks it's women's work. That's why he'd happily have you at home - so that he can simply pick up a briefcase each morning to go and be the big swinging dick at work, safe in the knowledge that he doesn't have to apply himself to the grunt work of family and household life.

Congratulations! You're a domestic appliance in the same way that the dishwasher and tumble dryer are useful. Except you get the leadership role here because everybody knows that childcare and housework can only be done by people who have vaginas. Bad luck if you ever had thoughts of being treated like a human being with equal needs, wants and dreams.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 29/01/2019 08:32

BTW no kids but we do have caring responsibilities. I earn more than DH does but we split the time off 60/40 as my job is far more flexible than his.

Madeline88 · 29/01/2019 08:33

Yanbu I usually take time off as my DP is a contractor so if he doesn’t work doesn’t get paid. I’m very lucky my work has unlimited sick pay.

CostanzaG · 29/01/2019 08:33

Sometimes I find that actually the longer or higher up your company position, the more it's looked down that you take time off for childcare

I've found the exact opposite.
It's also called being a parent. Just because you're a senior member of staff doesn't make you exempt from parenting.
Using that as an excuse makes you a shit parent and partner though.

WH1SPERS · 29/01/2019 08:37

Actually I find that the higher your position, the easier it is to take time off for childcare.

And I also find that it’s only women who are looked down on for doing this. Men get lauded as great fathers.

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