To think DH should be able to take time out to care for sick child?

[Toughtips]

DD isn't well. Don't know what's wrong but something is going off.

Im a month into new job, he's been at his for 3yr.

He said no when I asked if he'd mind taking the day off with her tomorrow as I've got some more training to do and want to make a good impression whilst I'm on probation.

He said no and that his jobs more important and he earns X amount a year.

I feel so annoyed that he won't help me out. He doesn't see my full time job important because I earn significantlt less a year than him.

Just gotta hope my kids don't get sick too often I guess
I think you should stand up to him instead, my DM used to think like this, always hoping the boat wouldn't rock and if it did, she would always sacrifice her needs to avoid this.
How can he not see how much the new jobs means to you? Or he does but it is not as important as his in his eyes.

As an employer, it is so frustrating that my female employees are the only ones that take time off to look after their kids when they're ill.

To me, I need to see both parents taking responsibility (or arranging alternative care) than it always defaulting to the mum. This goes for my male staff too - they need to share their responsibility too.

It gives me a really bad impression of the work ethic and commitment to their job if women just automatically take the time off with considering alternatives - and it does make me question how important their job is.

I'm not a man hater but fuck me, how do you put up with these men? I'm sorry I have no advice for you but I do think a very serious discussion is needed here. Good luck.

So - send child to school and they will be sent home if sick, but here’s the thing - at school change the emergency contacts round so that HE will be the first to be called - what’s he going to, leave your child there? You just need to be unavailable sometimes.

@stinkypoo

I promise my job is important to me.

I dread the words "sick bug" cos this is the one bloody illness when even grandparents don't wanna look after them anymore.

I think half the time employers don't make it well known to men that they are entitled to look after their own kids and that it is ok so it's automatically assumed the mother's responsibility.

Tough talking to, or banging head against a brick wall. Yes, totally.

I told him that he’d be completely screwed if I ever left him - 2 days every week to do school run, pick ups, dinner etc etc. It’d be almost funny to watch him sort out the chaos.

Iggi is right, they’ve had an easy ride for a long time and he completely assumes I’ll just be there. I need to be at work by 7.15am 6 times in the next 4 months, he just stared at me blankly when I tried talking to him about it. It just doesn’t seem to compute that he could actually try - just try - to not be a part time parent for once.

It be fair, it’s the responsibility of the employers to point out to male employees their family obligations. That’s common sense.

@iggi see even then I'd get the "well you're only 10 mins away from the school, it'll take me over 30 mins to get there. He wouldn't even consider it and he'd contact me or ring my work line to get hold of me first. Think I'd have to be dead for him to leave to get em.

DH earns twice what I do. But.... my salary still enables our lifestyle. Brings in the equivalent of 2 lots of private schools fees. So, not unimportant in household terms. DH will still do his share of sick days etc. Just because my salary is lower, it doesn’t mean we don’t rely on it for the things we budget for.

To be fair!

"It gives me a really bad impression of the work ethic and commitment to their job if women just automatically take the time off with considering alternatives - and it does make me question how important their job is."

Um. Come on.

Mothers are battling societal expectations that they excel at work and at home, and fending off attitudes like that of the OP's husband, and you're punishing women for making understandable decisions about how to balance all these competing demands in their busy and pressured lives?

Depressing. We're fucked whatever we do, truly.

Or is that not what you meant?

Totally agree with everyone saying it's wrong, slightly different angle, I employ a woman who earns less than her DH within the first 3 months of work she was calling in sick almost weekly because her DS was picking up bugs.

As a mother of 2 I had so much sympathy but after 3 occasions, I politely asked her if her DH could help out as I really needed to see her commitment to what is a part time role. (3.5 days a week)

She said he would never take time off as he earns more.

I really hate to say this as I know this is your fear but after 3 months of sporadic work and a clearly very stressed mum I had to let her go.

I wish just wish her DH could see how hard she tried and what he did to her, I was really put in a very tricky situation as a fellow mum but equally I'm paying for her time.

Please can you show him this thread?

There are sensible ways of assessing the financial risks of these options.

A higher earner, who has been in post for years, is valued by their employer and is much less likely to be managed out in retaliation for taking a random day off.

So if person A earns 60kpa and person B earns 30kpa the potential loss to the couple is c £130 if person A takes a day off (50:50 chance the employers will make them take the day as unpaid so dock a day's salary) vs circa £3750 if person B takes a day off (50:50 chance they will lose their job and be unemployed for 3 months before finding another position)

So unless the child has a serious chronic illness likely to need very frequent days off, person A should take a greater share of the days off.

YANBU.
When I went black to wotknaftwr ds We had had a discussion about sharing time off because even though I would be working oart time my employer e oect3d me to be there just as much as his employer expected him to be there.

He agreed.but somehow it never worked out it was always be who had to take time off

This is absolute deal breaker territory for me. I really would stop doing anything for him. And tell him that my job just became more important than ever as if I became a single mum I’d need it, I couldn’t live in a relationship with someone who told me I was less important every day.

I see that toughtips* so many others don't though.
I am a mum, and an employer, XH was self employed and if he didn't work, he didn't earn, but he still needs to take time out to look after DD when she's ill as he is her parent too, and my job is important too - even more so now that we have split up & I'm a single parent.

As an employer, it is so frustrating that my female employees are the only ones that take time off to look after their kids when they're ill.
Agreed, whenever there is a vacancy is my job, it is usually a guy that gets it, when they do employ women they nearly always need to take time off to look after DC.
I've had to myself. I had to leave work on one of the busiest nights over Christmas, it's OK as long as it is shared.
For your DD make a stand.

“I did it last time; it’s your turn” and no further discussion. Seriously this is the beginning you need to put your foot down. I’d say I still get more calls from school but over the year it works out 55/45 I think. You’ve got some of the worst sickness years over with already thankfully

puntastic I do understand, but if we women want to hold on to jobs, or earn a degree of trust and flexibility within our working environments, it can't always fall to us to be the ones to pick up the slack - this actually proves more to employers that men are 'better' and 'more reliable' employees than women.
If we don't challenge this and encourage men to take up some responsibility as parents, this is never going to change and we women are never going to be able to be equal in the workplace.

I don't expect him to have 50/50 time off at all.

But you should, otherwise it becomes a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.

I know @stinkypoo, it just makes me despair a bit that we can't really win! It doesn't seem like it should be down to women to fix all this, by fixing the men. Why can't more men just cop onto themselves, and step the fuck up as parents.

(don't @ me, I know why they don't...).

I'm in the exact same boat OP- and tbh it's a difficult argument as dh has a job which causes a lot of hassle if he's not physically there- he has only ever taken a half day off with poorly kids.
As much as I agree it should be more equal the reality is he earns loads more than me, made his feelings pretty clear when I went back to work that he'd prefer it if I was still just working evenings, and leaves before the kids are even awake so isn't there to know if they're ill
I'm just about to spend the night praying my child is well enough for school tomorrow so I don't have to ring in to work- also just changed jobs and totally understand about making a good impression
Our job also has a policy that you can't work from home while looking after poorly kids (v annoying as I totally could but they're very strict about it)

I agree with a pp, he is not helping you out, he has equal responsibility to your children.

He's treating you like dirt. He should want you to have a good reputation at work.

So does he earn so much that you could afford to lose your job? Because if you're the only person who take time off thid could be a real possibility. He's a twat

Well it seems we have to fix everything else, why shouldn't we fix the men too while we're at it? Women have been working at it for hundreds of years - we can't just stop. It is far too much in their interests if we do give up.