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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should be able to take time out to care for sick child?

174 replies

Toughtips · 28/01/2019 20:36

DD isn't well. Don't know what's wrong but something is going off.

Im a month into new job, he's been at his for 3yr.

He said no when I asked if he'd mind taking the day off with her tomorrow as I've got some more training to do and want to make a good impression whilst I'm on probation.

He said no and that his jobs more important and he earns X amount a year.

I feel so annoyed that he won't help me out. He doesn't see my full time job important because I earn significantlt less a year than him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 21:22

@dangly I was a sahm for 8 years. I never went back cos it wasn't feasible for my DD to be in childcare whilst I worked purely to fund childcare.

Now they're in school I wanted to work as did t want to just be the mum/housewife. Never did wanna do it full time but was never cost effective so waited it out.

OP posts:
DanglyBangly · 28/01/2019 21:24

He’s used to thinking of you as the default childcare, you need to help him ‘adjust’ his thinking. Kick up the arse should do it.

Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 21:25

@popfan thank you. It's made feel shit that he feels my job isn't important. To me it is! I'm proud of myself that I've been taken on and I'm earning extra money for my family. Setting an example to my kids and making a better life for us all too.

OP posts:
DanglyBangly · 28/01/2019 21:25

Was he supportive of you going back to work?

CostanzaG · 28/01/2019 21:25

*I don't expect him to have 50/50 time off at all.

He earns more than I do*

And here lies the problem.My DH earns double what I do but still does his equal and fair share. He sees his job as being more important and he views you as responsible for childcare. The language you use is very telling.
Earning a high salary doesn't mean to get to not be a parent. In the circumstances you describe he 100% should be taking the day off tomorrow.

Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 21:26

@dangly

Not really no. He'd happily have me at home doing housework and childcare. But I never really wanted to stay at home full time. Love my kids to bits but I've always wanted to work.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 28/01/2019 21:27

Mans a twat - sorry!

Nicknacky · 28/01/2019 21:27

Be proud of yourself! You should be

CostanzaG · 28/01/2019 21:30

He does sound like a bit of a twat - sorry. Of course he wants you at home. it made his life easy!
I'm wondering if he's purposefully making your life difficult so you'll give up work?

You should be proud! Don't let him ruin it for you.

Stardustinmyeyes · 28/01/2019 21:30

Op hasn't said whether dh's day off would be paid or unpaid so that's irrelevant. This is about him assuming she will take time off because she's the mother. It's the assumption that as the lesser earner her job doesn't count as much as his.
I don't think that you're being unreasonable. It's a probationary time for you and he should step up and parent his child.

Gillian1980 · 28/01/2019 21:30

Yanbu.

It should be discussed and agreed between you both. I work p/t and earn less than my dh but we look at our meetings and work out who can be more flexible on each day dd is off. Sometimes we do 1/2 day each etc.

Both of our managers know we tag team it and appreciate that we manage it as carefully as possible.

Dyrne · 28/01/2019 21:31

Agree with PP that you need to change your language and your thinking - he is not “helping you out”. This is not some little hobby that he can condescendingly pat you on the head for.

Taking time off to care for sick children should be kept 50/50 as much as possible - plus you have training that you need to attend; and are on probation so need to make a good impression. It should be a no-brainer.

Perhaps not now, but when the dust settles I think you need to have a serious conversation about respect in your relationship.

DailyMailFail101 · 28/01/2019 21:32

YANBU!

DanglyBangly · 28/01/2019 21:34

You’ve got an uphill struggle on your hands then, if he’s not supportive of you working. This is the first hurdle.

Could you sit down and have a real heart to heart about this and explain your position? Not just about the sick day, but the bigger picture of you working and what it means for him. Would he respond to that?

Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 21:34

@dyrne you're right. Don't know how I'll make him see it though.

Had a word just now about it and he thinks it should all be down to me but is willing to have time off whilst in on probation but on the understanding that his job is more important. So basically my job means nothing to him but fuck that it means the world to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 21:35

@dangly

I don't know how to go about making him see that this job means a lot to me.

Just gotta hope my kids don't get sick too often I guess

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 28/01/2019 21:39

He's being horrible

Just because he is the higher earner that doesn't mean in this situation (which will have no effect on his job but could have a massive effect on yours) that he can't be kind or that your job means nothing. It benefits you and benefits the family for you to work, so he would be doing something to help all of you. You've done your time looking after everyone so he can earn a lot now he needs to help you. Just because you don't earn loads now doesn't mean you can't work your way up.

JassyRadlett · 28/01/2019 21:40

I earn more than twice as much as DH. We split drop offs and pick ups and sick days more or less equally.

Yes, we need my job more than we need his but we decided that we would both work, and as such both jobs are treated with equal respect: with equal diary juggling and the odd tense moment when we both have important commitments.

KonekoBasu · 28/01/2019 21:40

I earn more than DH and I take the time off when needed more often, largely because I can work from home so anything urgent can still be dealt with and my employer actually values their employees and allows flexible working. DHs job is the complete opposite.

So you have to do what works best for you as a couple rather than automatically go 50 50. Saying that, given you're new in post and still doing training your DH really should look after his DD if it's at all possible.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 28/01/2019 21:41

I’m having the same problem.

DD off sick, no other childcare options. I’ve been a SAHM for 10 years but have just gone back into a university course which will set me up career wise for a long time with good earning potential.

Guess who missed the one day I had to be in? I only needed 3 hours for an assessment but no, DH’s very-important-job was far too important to accommodate me or DD. What really, really boiled my piss was when we were talking about DD being off school he said “What are you going to do about it” Angry

Iggi999 · 28/01/2019 21:42

Fuck that for a game if ducking soldiers. I couldn’t be with anyone do disrespectful. He’s had an easy ride as a working parent for 8 years, no appointments, days off etc.
However, as a working parent you May five the dc need to be given a dose of calpol and sent to school more often than you would if you’re at home!

Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 21:42

@sandunes I feel your pain. Like talking to a brick wall.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 28/01/2019 21:43

Excuse me, fucking not ducking,

Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 21:44

@iggi no problem dosing up with Calpol if it's a cold or general unwell but sick bugs and funny tummy's are a bit worse. Just gotta hope it's not a bug...won't be holding my breath. Fully expecting to be woken up to the sound of a vomming child.

OP posts:
WH1SPERS · 28/01/2019 21:45

I don't know how to go about making him see that this job means a lot to me

He does know how much it means to you. He just doesn’t care about your feelings if they conflict with his convenience.