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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should be able to take time out to care for sick child?

174 replies

Toughtips · 28/01/2019 20:36

DD isn't well. Don't know what's wrong but something is going off.

Im a month into new job, he's been at his for 3yr.

He said no when I asked if he'd mind taking the day off with her tomorrow as I've got some more training to do and want to make a good impression whilst I'm on probation.

He said no and that his jobs more important and he earns X amount a year.

I feel so annoyed that he won't help me out. He doesn't see my full time job important because I earn significantlt less a year than him.

OP posts:
notdaddycool · 28/01/2019 22:08

I earn double what my wife does but can work from home so our first option is I work from home when kids are sick and they spend most of the day curled up in the sofa. It’s rare I absolutely have to go in, a client meeting that cant be delayed for instance, then she stays at home.

Blistory · 28/01/2019 22:08

As an employer I make it more than clear to male employees that they can have the time off and that it is paid. Not one of them has ever taken the time off. But they manage to give their partners the impression that it isn't the done thing and would be frowned upon. I suspect caring for an ill child is , even subconsciously , considered beneath them. This is where a lot of men show that sexism is so deeply ingrained they don't even recognise it for what it is.

It's getting to the stage where I would rather just accept that women shoulder the burden and make allowances accordingly. Those allowances would include not employing men because if they're a knob to their partners and kids, they're not the people I want working with me.

DonnaDarko · 28/01/2019 22:16

YANBU. DP and I always try to take turns when DS is sick. If he gets sent home in the middle of the day, DP will pick him up , but only because he's a 20 minute drive away whilst I am over an hour on the train.

Who is the highest earner is irrelevant. You parent together, so you should support each other.

Your DH is being ridiculously unreasonable

Teaandtoastie · 28/01/2019 22:17

What a twat. You really need to make it clear to him that you expect it to be 50/50.

If anything, when someone’s more senior it’s often easier for them to work from home. My exH earnt over 4x what I earnt at the time, but he would always take his turn when the DC were sick.

notdaddycool · 28/01/2019 22:18

Saw a great chart on the mummy’s gin fund fb group once on this... something like if you were the one that took time off last time +5 points, if you have a meeting +2 if you’re chairing it +2, +1 for every person coming to the meeting +2 if it’s already been rearranged, +5 if anyone external is coming +5 for a course + 5 more if the course cost money. I wish I could find it, slightly tongue in cheek but it might help some.

Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 22:21

I should probably say to him right well if you can't respect me and take a 50/50 approach with the childcare when one is sick then maybe I should just be a single parent anyway...or is that too dramatic 😂

OP posts:
marvellousnightforamooncup · 28/01/2019 22:25

I'm raging on your behalf. I'm no longer going to slag my husband off, he'd happily take the day off if one of the DCs had a paper cut.

Iggi999 · 28/01/2019 22:26

You’re still underplaying this OP. What you’ve suggested is the bare minimum in a mutually respectful partnership.

Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 22:26

@marvellous I wish he'd just understand that I could be let go so easily for having time off. Don't think he cares

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 28/01/2019 22:27

It’s not too dramatic for me! You must be hoping for a good 40 years op, no one wants to spend that being treated like less from the person who swore to love and cherish you.

Original poster
Toughtips · 28/01/2019 22:28

@iggi I just hate arguments with him so avoid it. Gonna write him a message tomorrow when he's at work to try get the message across that way.

I asked him what his boss does when she earns more than him and has kids too and he said some shit about her husband has to go to work cos he's self employed.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 28/01/2019 22:30

I don’t mean of course you should leave him. But you should address this now or you will never change it. A trial separation living in the same house? These are your days to parent don’t call me if they are ill and make sure you feed them dinner... a discussion to make him know this issue is serious for you, and he can’t just put the little woman back in her child rearing box.

Teaandtoastie · 28/01/2019 22:31

So ask him what he’d do if you had a so-called “equally important” job? Does he have any female colleagues with DC? Ask him to find out from them if their DPs ever take time off for the DC? At the end of the day no one is that important- I bet he’d take a day off sick if he was ill and the world wouldn’t end?!

He has had all this time of never having I worry, always leaving it to you, he needs to realise that is going to change.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 28/01/2019 22:47

He'd happily have me at home doing housework and childcare.

Sadly I think you have your answer for the long term Angry

Spaghettijumper · 28/01/2019 22:48

My higher-earning DH refused to work flexibly so I could work more. I accepted it at first but one day I was wiping cream cheese off the counter after he had left a dirty knife, again, and I thought 'is this the life you hoped for?' I got so incredibly mad and told him I wanted a divorce, that my life would be easier when we were apart, he gave me nothing but money and I could get money on my own. I was all set to split up. It was the only thing that got through to him and he did change, completely. But if he hadn't we'd be divorced. The level of disrespect it takes to look your partner in the face and flat refuse to return one ounce of the support they've given - you wouldn't expect it from your worst enemy. It was so disappointing and I realised that up to that point he had no intention of even recognising what I'd sacrificed for our family, never mind repaying it. I felt a fool.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/01/2019 22:48

"I just really thought he'd help me out"

No, he should NOT help you out. What he should do is shoulder HIS responsibility to HIS children. By saying 'help you out', you are telling him that the responsibility lies solely with you. And that lets him off the hook.

Stop asking him to 'help you' and start telling him that his children are his responsibility too, and that it is his turn to deal with them.

GabsAlot · 28/01/2019 23:01

so he can work from home or finish work at home been established in his job yet still wont do it

he doesnt like u have your own life/career so it prepared to sabotage it

not a nice man

TheCraicDealer · 28/01/2019 23:04

Well done for getting this job OP, what a great achievement.

The ironic thing is the more responsible and well paid a job is the more likely you'll be able to work from home or make up hours elsewhere if you need time off to work after a sick child. As OP has said he can wfh in a bind that's probably what his (female) boss does, but he doesn't want his work pattern effected. I'd have no time for an ego like that. I would be getting up and sneaking out at 5am and turning off my phone so it was unavoidably his problem.

OP's reluctance to get into rows with him before has made him think he can throw his weight around and make what should be family problems OP's to shoulder alone. The one who cares less holds all the cards- and ultimately he gives zero shits about how conflict makes her feel, how this attitude effects her jobs prospects etc. That dynamic has to change.

Iggi999 · 28/01/2019 23:17

Spaghetti that’s a really powerful story, I’m glad things improved for you.

PuntasticUsername · 28/01/2019 23:27

Not suggesting we give up on changing things, @stinkypoo. Not for a moment. But please, let's put the responsibility for the current slightly shit situation in the right places, and not expect women to fix the whole of the mess (which is mostly not of our own making) or get blamed if we can't. That just perpetuates the current inequalities, whereby women get it coming and going while men get let off the hook because people think we can't expect any better of them? Fuck THAT.

I liked @Blistory's post, a little below yours.

megletthesecond · 28/01/2019 23:30

Yanbu.

Yearofthemum · 28/01/2019 23:36

YANBU.

My DH refused to take a day off with a baby so I could attend a second job interview. So I told him that given he was so busy I could see that if I took the job he would not be able to support me in any way, so I had decided not to take go. He cleared his diary immediately.

Mudmonster · 28/01/2019 23:51

We are really lucky that dh job is flexible and he can work from home, if I don’t work I don’t get paid.
When the dc are Ill DH steps up and takes the day off, in fact in 12 years of parenthood I’ve only ever had to take 1 day off work to deal with a sick child.
We deal with the dc 50/50 because we chose to have them together and we are a partnership, They are not just my children.

PoppyField · 29/01/2019 00:00

Hi OP,
You having an actual job - rather than ‘just’ looking after dcs - has excavated your DH’s misogyny. It wasn’t very far beneath the surface, to be frank.

He openly, blatantly and outrageously says your job is unimportant. He thinks it’s perfectly alright to insult you!

Your job is important to you, then your job should be important for him. He should be able to respect the importance of things that YOU consider important. Not respecting those things is showing contempt for you.

He really doesn’t like you having your own way does he? Oh and you don’t like confronting him? Or course you hate confronting him because he will turn it all on you. He thinks that telling you your job is less important is winning the argument. Just like that. Job done. Wife shuts up. All back to how we like things again.

You don’t like confronting him because he is prepared to come out with hurtful shit just to win the argument and get you back in your box.

I don’t know if you need to write that note. I think you need to make this a (in current topical mode) a red line for you. Make it extremely clear that up with this you will not put.

He has not closed this down. It is a massive issue. It doesn’t go away when you’ve finished your probation.

He is showing his contempt. Your happiness does not matter. He doesn’t see why he should either satisfy you OR do his share of parenting. This is a power play by him. He believes he should have more power than you, essentially. And he does not like being challenged. In fact he has made out that he is making a ‘concession’ to you by agreeing to do this while you’re on probation. Well fuck that. He’s not making a concession, this is below the minimum requirement for a parent and you’ll be taking turns from now on if a child is sick.

If he can’t agree to that, and agree that you are both of equal worth in this supposed partnership, then you could start throwing ultimatums around...like Spagettijumper did. And she was right to. Her H’s attitude was awful. Read her post again, I think it brilliantly pinpoints exactly what his attitude demonstrates...and he needs a really good wake-up call on this, else he’ll be on his own.

Bythebeach · 29/01/2019 00:20

Kids being ill is just crappy. We had crazy logistical contortions to avoid either of us taking time off - first a nanny, back up grandparents and now an au pair. But after 3 maternity leaves and working part time, DH earns 3.5 times what I do. He does take time off if we’re desperate and I really can’t but I do prioritise his job. He feels the pressure of being primary breadwinner and has real fear about maintaining his reputation at work - perhaps if you’ve been at home for 10 years, your husband also suffers that pressure?