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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is driving me up the wall...

140 replies

Abcdefghii · 27/01/2019 11:54

My friend has recently found out she's pregnant after a year of TTC, I'm genuinely thrilled for her but she's in a constant state of worry and is messaging me constantly about symptoms and needing reassurance to the point where it's daily, all day and it's getting a bit much.

I'm having a MH crisis right now and whilst I'm happy to be there for her and provide reassurance throughout the pregnancy and share her happiness, I don't have the capacity for it all day every day

Before she got her positive test she was very much the same except her worries were whether she'd be able to conceive. Now she has her longed for pregnancy she's going through the motions about the potential for an ectopic, why her breasts no longer hurt, then they do, she feels too hot, she feels too cold, she's light headed, she's tired, shes hungry, she's got a runny nose, her feet ache etc etc. Constant messages from morning until night.

I've told her most of the above is perfectly normal in early pregnancy and that having a cold is nothing to worry about, but she's incessantly googling and driving herself (and me) bonkers.

She's booked an early reassurance scan when she'll be 7 weeks but I know as soon as she's had that she'll be fretting over something else and asking me questions she'd be better off speaking to a midwife about which I did tell her.

I've recommended support groups, pre natal groups, a chat with her GP and midwife once she's met her. I've given a constant virtual hand hold and responded to her constant messages in a timely and sympathetic manner, but what else can I do or say? I really can't manage this for the next eight months, it's been constant for the past year already. I'm heavily pregnant myself, have a lot going on at home and am in a bad place which she knows. I can't pour from an empty cup and the friendship has become very one sided and all about her.

Am I being selfish? I've tried to be a good friend to the best of my ability but have very limited mental space at the moment..

OP posts:
Original poster
Abcdefghii · 27/01/2019 11:59

Another message has come through the minute I finished writing that.

She can't be reassured no matter what I say or offer as my own experience. I've become a constant sounding board.

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 27/01/2019 12:04

I think you need to be honest with her. You need to take a step back or she needs to seek reassurance elsewhere.

You could frame is at concern about ante natal depression/anxiety because it certainly seems like it.

Or ask her to join here and she can post to her hearts content.

Celebelly · 27/01/2019 12:05

Oh dear, that sounds exhausting (for both of you!) Can you just stop replying to every one or reply by moving the conversation on to something else every time? 'Sure it'll be fine. I'm doing XYZ today, blah blah'.

I get being nervous about early pregnancy, some level of anxiety is normal, but this sounds totally extreme and she (and you!) will be in for a long nine months if this continues.

You are definitely not being selfish. Just pull back and look after yourself for a while Thanks

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 27/01/2019 12:05

And no you’re not being selfish at all.

AllSuits · 27/01/2019 12:09

I'm TCC and I wouldn't dream of bombarding friends - or anyone! - with that level of messaging purely for reassurance. It's quite selfish and self centered.

I think meet up with her, state again how happy you are for her, but say quite firmly that you're not a doctor/nurse and can't reassure her. Any questions she should point to her GP. Tell her that you have a lot going on and you're feeling a bit drained.

If a friend said this to me, I'd apologise and move forward. Good luck!

thedevilinablackdress · 27/01/2019 12:11

Definitely stop.
Stop being on call for her, it's too much.

Original poster
Abcdefghii · 27/01/2019 12:12

I've toned down some of my responses already. Instead of firing off a paragraph about what is normal and offering suggestions I've started to send shorter replies such as "im sure everything is absolutely fine, no need to worry based on anything you've said, relax and look forward to your scan!"

She'll reply and say yes she knows but she just worries so much, then she'll think of something else later in the day.

I have issues with anxiety so I completely sympathise with people who just can't relax when they begin to worry, but I tend not to offload it all onto any one person especially if I know they're struggling at the time.

I've suggested she joins forums but she says she has no time to. I don't want to end up resenting our chats but it's beginning to get that way Sad

OP posts:
MRex · 27/01/2019 12:13

Tell her you're knackered and you don't remember very well, suggest that she join the ante-natal threads here and ask her to message you less as you're finding it too tiring. Stress that you still want to chat every few days (or whatever your do want), but can't manage more than that.

Original poster
Abcdefghii · 27/01/2019 12:13

It almost feels like she doesn't give a toss about me or what's going on in my life, she just likes having a soft touch to offload to. She can be very self centred but I feel bad even saying that.

OP posts:
MRex · 27/01/2019 12:13

She can't day she doesn't have time for forums and then message to, it doesn't work like that.

Original poster
Abcdefghii · 27/01/2019 12:15

I know right?

She manages to message me all of the time, posting on a forum is no different.

OP posts:
RangeRider · 27/01/2019 12:15

Could you text her and say that you're struggling a bit at the mo generally and so are taking a few days off being contactable by everybody (i.e. it's not personal - except it is) and so won't be answering texts, calls etc. for that time? Give her a chance to get used to you not being there.

Lelly0503 · 27/01/2019 12:20

I had a friend like this and in the end I gave up as it almost felt like they wanted me to say ‘go to hospital’ or ‘ring ur midwife’ so rather than go round the houses of sure it’s fine etc etc if I got a question I’d just say ‘ring ur midwife’ and after a while it calmed down x

MashedSpud · 27/01/2019 12:20

Tell her stress is bad for the baby and start leaving long waits between replying to her messages.
She sounds like an attention sponge.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 27/01/2019 12:20

"Dear friend, said kindly, but can you stop texting me all the time about this? I've had X texts from you in X days, it's really too much! Do you have someone else you can talk to? xx"

CantWaitToRetire · 27/01/2019 12:25

What @RangeRider said

Original poster
Abcdefghii · 27/01/2019 12:26

I'm fairly sure I'm the only one she's doing it to, because the others she's told about the pregnancy are more direct and assertive than she's ever known me to be.

I've always been the one she vents to about everything from her partner, her family, her exes, her partners exes, work, TTC and now early pregnancy. This is because I've been happy to lend an ear to her moaning or worrying about whatever it is at the time. The TTC I didn't mind so much, nor have I minded the early pregnancy bombardment until it reached the extreme that it has, but i would be lying if I said I hadn't already become a bit tired of being the go-to sounding board.

I need to relieve myself of the role of sole confidant so will need to send a message as suggested.

OP posts:
FlipF · 27/01/2019 12:26

Bibbity text or something similar is good. I think you need to tell her that it's too much.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 27/01/2019 12:31

I'd spin it round and start leaning on her with your own problems. For every text you receive, counter it with one back about your own problems (pregnancy or mental health) asking for her support. Turn everything she asks back to your problems and make it all about you and her texts will stop.

sonjadog · 27/01/2019 12:32

I would stop answering so much and just make general noises along the lines of call your GP if you are worried. I have had anxiety for years and I have realized that people responding and engaging in my worries actually seems to make them worse. If they are ignored, they will pass sooner. Answering them kind of validates them, which then increases them. It might be the same for her? The more you engage, the more she will worry.

OrigamiZoo · 27/01/2019 12:36

Just tell her to stop, you are heavily pregnant, it is stressing you out and you need to focus on your life and baby.

I also like what Slreepohhowimissyou said.

ChrisPrattsFace · 27/01/2019 12:50

You need to be direct and say ‘I’m sorry, I can’t help you. Every pregnancy is different so contact the midwife if your concerned’ explain you’re there as a friend but you’re not medical and you have your own stuff going on.
I went to be GP at 4 weeks because my anxiety was so bad, I’m about 8 weeks now and have totaly calmed down thanks to their help.
Sorry she’s burdening you, hope you get some relief to be able to support yourself soon!

chocatoo · 27/01/2019 12:51

I would stop responding to texts so fast. Wait a couple of days then respond with 'sorry only just seen text, am sure you are fine'. You are enabling it by being available.

Chickychoccyegg · 27/01/2019 12:55

just ignore her messages and tell her it's too much

ApolloandDaphne · 27/01/2019 12:56

Stop replying to her texts as they come.Tell her you haven't got time to respond to every message - you won't once your baby arrives anyway. Choose 2 times in the day to respond and keep your replies brief. Hopefully she will get the message.

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