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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend is driving me up the wall...

140 replies

Abcdefghii · 27/01/2019 11:54

My friend has recently found out she's pregnant after a year of TTC, I'm genuinely thrilled for her but she's in a constant state of worry and is messaging me constantly about symptoms and needing reassurance to the point where it's daily, all day and it's getting a bit much.

I'm having a MH crisis right now and whilst I'm happy to be there for her and provide reassurance throughout the pregnancy and share her happiness, I don't have the capacity for it all day every day

Before she got her positive test she was very much the same except her worries were whether she'd be able to conceive. Now she has her longed for pregnancy she's going through the motions about the potential for an ectopic, why her breasts no longer hurt, then they do, she feels too hot, she feels too cold, she's light headed, she's tired, shes hungry, she's got a runny nose, her feet ache etc etc. Constant messages from morning until night.

I've told her most of the above is perfectly normal in early pregnancy and that having a cold is nothing to worry about, but she's incessantly googling and driving herself (and me) bonkers.

She's booked an early reassurance scan when she'll be 7 weeks but I know as soon as she's had that she'll be fretting over something else and asking me questions she'd be better off speaking to a midwife about which I did tell her.

I've recommended support groups, pre natal groups, a chat with her GP and midwife once she's met her. I've given a constant virtual hand hold and responded to her constant messages in a timely and sympathetic manner, but what else can I do or say? I really can't manage this for the next eight months, it's been constant for the past year already. I'm heavily pregnant myself, have a lot going on at home and am in a bad place which she knows. I can't pour from an empty cup and the friendship has become very one sided and all about her.

Am I being selfish? I've tried to be a good friend to the best of my ability but have very limited mental space at the moment..

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 31/01/2019 16:52

You really aren't getting anything positive from this friendship, are you?

Then you have nothing to lose by being blunt. Tell her that you are under as much stress as you can deal with due to your own problems/pregnancy and you will no longer read nor respond to messages that contain nothing but her complaints or worries. And that you can no longer be her personal counselor nor her health practitioner. If she's having problems in her marriage or feels depressed, see a counselor. If she is concerned about her pregnancy, see her doctor/midwife.

I know being an introvert will make this hard. Do you have someone more 'forceful' who will help you compose the message and, more importantly, hit the 'send' button for you?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 31/01/2019 16:54

Send her here. She can join an antinatal group and bother them with her ailments. At least they'll all have something in common. It's a great way to get the PFB baby bore out of your system so you don't bore everyone rigid in real life.

Original poster

Abcdefghii · 31/01/2019 16:58

I've recommended forums and support groups but haven't specified mumsnet incase she stumbles across this thread

OP posts:

gelert5619 · 31/01/2019 17:28

You poor thing, sending you a huge hug.
U2HasTheEdge and VietmaneseCrispyFish are spot on.

She's in a self absorbed cycle and will not stop to get proper help while she can rant her problems at you. This reinforces her anxiety to keep repeating herself.

Thank goodness she doesn't live near you, she'd be at your door all hours of the day and night.
Think about yourself for once, I know it's hard but a 'friendship' dynamic can be a difficult habit to recognise and break free of.

Think of what you would say to a friend who was in your shoes, be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Good luck

EchoCardioGran · 31/01/2019 17:28

We won't tell her it is you if she turns up here
I think you need to look after yourself and pregnancy, she is not really a " friend" is she? I think that you have worked this out now.

Gone4Good · 31/01/2019 17:33

Your friend sounds like my sister and so I fully sympathize.

When my sister would phone me she'd launch right into her problems. No "Hi, how are you doing"? Sometimes I'd answer the phone just to hear her screaming about her 'fucking' husband. It was awful. My mother told me the phone calls made her depressed. When my sister and I stopped talking our poor mother was left as her only sounding board. Now my mother has passed I don't know who my sister is using.

An example of how selfish she was, I was sitting in a field of several of our farm animals who were dead or dying. I was panicked, worried etc and waiting for the vet. My sister phoned me when I was sitting by a dying heifer, who was two weeks from having her first calf, I told my sister what was happening and she just gave a small grunt and dived right into the latest injustice against her.

When my own health started to go bad and I was trying to come to terms that I wouldn't be able to walk our land anymore, something I thoroughly enjoyed/lived for, she went on and on about getting a brow lift. I told her I didn't care what my face looked like I just wanted to be able to walk and she gutted at the 'interruption' and carried on.

This type of person is toxic.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 31/01/2019 17:45

Its really not in my nature to blank people but her type of personality means it's easier for me to do that than to pull her up on it, because I'll be the bad one.

Better start getting comfortable with the idea of her pinning ‘being the bad one’ on you OP, cos people like her won’t go quietly into the night. Like a toddler with a favourite toy, as soon as she twigs you’re trying to take her comfort away from her she’ll likely start using all manner of tactics to get you back so she can continue using you. She might get angry, try play on your emotions making you feel guilty for withdrawing, she might get angry and try make you intimated and cowed into submission, she might go all nice and fake vulnerable hoping your instinct to take care of her will kick in, she might flip and threaten to block you hoping you’ll be anxious to avoid it, you have no idea right now.

But what she won’t do is take the hint and adjust the friendship to show more interest in you. She won’t take the hint and ease off. She’ll go nuclear.

Hold onto the fact that none of her reactions matter. You’re not the bad guy, you know that, we know that, a load of women who aren’t involved in the situation here on MN know it. She’s a user, and if she makes you out to be the bad guy it doesn’t mean you are. And maybe it’ll be a relief as you can finish it for good with a ‘I understand, and I know you won’t want to stay friends with someone you think is awful. Best of luck for the future’ and block.

Either way I’m glad you can see she’s being awful and you have to think of yourself.

EchoCardioGran · 31/01/2019 18:17

Gone4Good that must have been so awful for you, I'm so sorry.
(I think your sister probably became my sister in law.)

VietnameseCrispyFish Yes to this.

Original poster

Abcdefghii · 31/01/2019 18:36

You're all absolutely spot on in what you've said. Its taken me posting here to realise it's not much of a friendship at all, before getting some perspective from you lot I did question for a while perhaps my own anxiety was making me intolerant and an inpatient friend.

@Gone4Good I'm really sorry about your animals and ill health your sister sounds absolutely awful

OP posts:

LisaSimpsonsbff · 31/01/2019 19:06

Our 'friendship' is one that has developed online since I relocated after leaving our home town. We were acquainted prior as I knew her through some other friends but we never met up in person for arranged lunches or developed any type of meaningful friendship until I moved a few hundred miles away.

Hang on, does that mean you don't see her in person? You're never going to just run into her? Run, run, run - it'll be easy!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 31/01/2019 19:10

If you think it's bad now, wait until she's had the baby.

Nip it in the bud now before it drives you to insanity.

Weezol · 31/01/2019 19:21

Just block the bitch. It's not like you're going to bump into her at the shop.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/emotional-freedom/201101/the-5-types-emotional-vampires-in-your-life

ResistanceIsNecessary · 31/01/2019 19:50

Delete and block - seriously!

Yes she'll go nuclear and bad mouth you. There will be mournful FB memes and posts about betrayal. All irrelevant because you won't have to deal with her anymore - and people who know her will outwardly sympathise and inwardly envy you for sacking her off!

JFDI - I promise you'll feel better for it.

Davros · 31/01/2019 19:50

Send her to Netmums

Original poster

Abcdefghii · 31/01/2019 20:10

Yep no chance of running in to one another, all contact is over Facebook and the phone. The only thing which stopped me blocking before now was not wanting to be mean

OP posts:

EchoCardioGran · 31/01/2019 20:24

You are only being mean to yourself.
Good link from Weezol.
Work out which category your online vampire falls into.
Then block. Then have a rest.

BookwormMe2 · 31/01/2019 20:29

I didn't realise you didn't live near each other. Block, block, block! She's never going to confront you in person, so why waste any more time on her. Instead, use all that spare time you will suddenly have now you're not glued to your phone answering her messages making new friends in RL!

Original poster

Abcdefghii · 31/01/2019 20:34

I've looked at that link you sent @Weezol

I can see her in literally all of the examples of energy vampires on the page, all of them

OP posts:

Original poster

Abcdefghii · 31/01/2019 22:27

She's now whatsapped me asking what happened when I lost one of my babies to miscarriage so she knew what to watch out for because she's worried. I hadn't checked the Facebook chat so she'd obviously twigged that I wasn't responding there for whatever reason.

She has no solid reason to believe she's miscarried or that she will. I understand anxiety well, but I'm still mindful to be sensitive towards other peoples situations or experiences.

It really annoyed me the way she brought that up. I responded and said "If you were having a miscarriage, you'd know about it" and blocked her before she could reply.

Total cowards way out I know, but it's done now

OP posts:

SecretMillionaire · 31/01/2019 22:44

She has absolutely no self awareness at all. What a truly awful thing for her to do. You’ve done the right thing completely.

EchoCardioGran · 31/01/2019 22:52

That's a really awful thing for her to do and I'm sorry that she did that to you. Well done for blocking her. As someone said up thread, people like this are toxic. Clear her out of the rest of your social media too.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 31/01/2019 23:55

That's an extremely hurtful and unfeeling message she sent, but it's been the impetus for you to say Enough is Enough.
Keep her blocked and look forward to a future without her dragging you down

Weezol · 31/01/2019 23:56

Blocking her isn't cowardice - it's a radical act of self-care.

You and yours are your priority. Maya Angelou said it best:

"Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option."

AcrossthePond55 · 01/02/2019 00:00

I'm glad you've blocked her. It was the right thing to do for both of you.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 01/02/2019 04:46

Fuck me sideways OP, she’s a special case.

@weezol has it nailed on - you just don’t need this shit in your life.

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