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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is driving me up the wall...

140 replies

Abcdefghii · 27/01/2019 11:54

My friend has recently found out she's pregnant after a year of TTC, I'm genuinely thrilled for her but she's in a constant state of worry and is messaging me constantly about symptoms and needing reassurance to the point where it's daily, all day and it's getting a bit much.

I'm having a MH crisis right now and whilst I'm happy to be there for her and provide reassurance throughout the pregnancy and share her happiness, I don't have the capacity for it all day every day

Before she got her positive test she was very much the same except her worries were whether she'd be able to conceive. Now she has her longed for pregnancy she's going through the motions about the potential for an ectopic, why her breasts no longer hurt, then they do, she feels too hot, she feels too cold, she's light headed, she's tired, shes hungry, she's got a runny nose, her feet ache etc etc. Constant messages from morning until night.

I've told her most of the above is perfectly normal in early pregnancy and that having a cold is nothing to worry about, but she's incessantly googling and driving herself (and me) bonkers.

She's booked an early reassurance scan when she'll be 7 weeks but I know as soon as she's had that she'll be fretting over something else and asking me questions she'd be better off speaking to a midwife about which I did tell her.

I've recommended support groups, pre natal groups, a chat with her GP and midwife once she's met her. I've given a constant virtual hand hold and responded to her constant messages in a timely and sympathetic manner, but what else can I do or say? I really can't manage this for the next eight months, it's been constant for the past year already. I'm heavily pregnant myself, have a lot going on at home and am in a bad place which she knows. I can't pour from an empty cup and the friendship has become very one sided and all about her.

Am I being selfish? I've tried to be a good friend to the best of my ability but have very limited mental space at the moment..

OP posts:
MotherofKitties · 27/01/2019 13:03

I think for the sake of your own health (and your baby) you need to take a step back, and please don't feel bad about doing so.

You need to look after yourself, and your friend needs to seek professional help. You can only carry someone else's issues so far before it starts negatively impacting on your own health, and as you're pregnant you need to put yourself first.

It sounds like you've been a great and supportive friend, but now is the time to point your friend in the direction of a doctor/midwife, and ease off on your responses. Good luck OP xx

SaturdayNext · 27/01/2019 13:07

Have you pointed out that forums take no more time than the time she spends on texting you?

MatildaTheCat · 27/01/2019 13:08

Just tell her that your midwife has said that you are stressed and have to cut right back on supporting her. Explain that you really do wish her all the best with her pregnancy but for now you have to keep stress very low and won’t be able to keep this up. Stop replying if she doesn’t stop.
Have a couple of stock phrases reinforcing that your midwife has told you to rest and relax.

Perhaps suggest a weekly meeting or whatever works for you and keep chat more general.

Also suggest she gets some help with her anxiety because she sounds unreassurable so you are basically not helping anyway.

PopCakes · 27/01/2019 13:10

I'm like your friend in terms of worrying. Although I'd only bug DH about it and even then keep it to a minimum. Bi think you need to set limits and explain that you're having your own mh issues. From experience I'd also add that her constantly seeking reassurance isn't helping her build up long term coping strategies.

My advice to her would be to allow herself an hour a day where she let's her anxieties go mad, maybe sends you a text or reaches out to other people on her support network, thinks about symptoms, tries to calm herself down by think rationally about it. The rest of the day imwhen worries come up she acknowledges it but puts it to one side until her worry hour.

Original poster
Abcdefghii · 27/01/2019 13:18

I've just sent her a message saying I don't think I'm the best person to ask for reassurance at the minute as I'm battling my own anxieties and think she'd be better off speaking to her GP.

Will see what she says to that.

OP posts:
JellyBears · 27/01/2019 13:23

I worked with a girl like this, lovely girl but every conversation was about her baby, her pregnancy, how tired she was. Every twicne, ache etc had her worrying etc et.

I love babies and I can hold them, fuss over them for days but man she was irritating.

U2HasTheEdge · 27/01/2019 13:26

sonjadog is so right. You are doing her no favours offering her that level of reassurance, so it might make you feel better to think that withdrawing your reassurance is actually helping her.

I have OCD and Health Anxiety and used to seek constant reassurance from people and it does make it worse in the long run. It keeps the whole cycle going. Stopping to seek high levels of reassurance was a massive part of my therapy.

I would personally offer reassurance every now and then but then I would simply be telling her that she needs to speak to someone about her anxiety. I still ask for reassurance and my family are happy to offer me some, we all need it at times, but I set limits and so do they.

You are having a MH crisis, so it is also absolutely fine to be honest with her as well and tell her that you don't have the capacity to offer this much support.

I hope things get easier for you soon Thanks

U2HasTheEdge · 27/01/2019 13:26

Cross posted with you OP. Well done.

Original poster
Abcdefghii · 27/01/2019 13:29

I think we're very different personalities on opposite ends of a spectrum. She is outgoing, extroverted and a chatterbox whereas I'm more of an introverted listener.

The current dynamic has just become how it is when we interact, which is always online or on the phone as we don't live nearby to one another anymore.

I really do think the world of her and I don't think she realises I feel put upon because I've always been happy to lend an ear.

OP posts:
Juells · 27/01/2019 13:29

Stop replying to her texts, and don't bother reading them. The more you reassure the more she texts you, so stop offering her any feedback.

GreenTulips · 27/01/2019 13:30

Well done for the text it’s very wearing when people are like this

Tel her to write a diary and speak to the midwife or GP

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 27/01/2019 13:34

If she's messaging you on Whatsapp, can you 'mute' her then you can maybe look at her messages once a day? Perhaps that'll help reset her expectations on your availability.

Agree with PP about recommending Mumsnet as a place for her to ask incessant questions!!

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2019 13:37

As others have said, reduce your responses to twice or three times a day (if that often) and when you do respond simply say "Well, I don't want to give you the wrong advice so if you're that worried it's best you call your midwife/doctor and ask them".

You need to take care of yourself FIRST.

woolduvet · 27/01/2019 13:42

Can you devise a copy and paste response that's fits most situations.
"Oh no, you'd better speak to your midwife'
Your response before was quite long and implied lots of sympathy. Short, sweet and repetitive, and wait an increasing amount of time to send it.

Jeezoh · 27/01/2019 13:48

Hopefully she’ll respond in a way that shows she cares about you as an individual, not just a sounding board. If not, every time she asks for reassurance, just text back “I really couldn’t say for sure, best speak to your midwife if you’re genuinely worried”.

Juells · 27/01/2019 13:52

“I really couldn’t say for sure, best speak to your midwife if you’re genuinely worried”.

Ooooh, that's good!

YouTheCat · 27/01/2019 14:01

I think what she comes back with after your text will tell you all you need to know about this relationship. If she offers any concern about you, then that's all fine. If she ignores the fact that you've said you have a lot going on then she's a shit friend and I'd just not bother answering her, or give her monosyllabic answers.

Original poster
Abcdefghii · 27/01/2019 14:04

Her reply:

"Aww I hope you're ok. Yeah i think im just worried because its my first, anyway I can't wait to take (insert name) back home all she's been doing is playing up"

She's referring to her partners daughter. See what I mean about using me as a sounding board for absolutely everything?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 27/01/2019 14:07

At least she's shown a very small amount of concern. I'd still cut back on your availability. Take longer to answer and give shorter answers or she'll be texting you as you're giving birth!

Jeezoh · 27/01/2019 14:08

Just gently detach with a stock response, she sounds very self involved!

RangeRider · 27/01/2019 14:10

Do NOT reply to that one.

LiveCCTV · 27/01/2019 14:17

Now she’s replied, don’t respond. At all. To anything. For a week/month/whatever. You’ve told her you’re not the best person to talk to right now, she’s heard you, the first sentence in her reply indicates that. So now you can shut off from her (mute her or block her texts for a bit?) safe that you’ve explained yourself and also that you know really that she’ll forget what you said within three nanoseconds and start offloading again.

When you come back to her and the inevitable barrage of texts about her problems you can quite reasonably point out that you said you weren’t the best person to come to and you’re still needing to take some time out for yourself. Then block again.

MargotLovedTom1 · 27/01/2019 14:17

I think I'd be tempted to reply "Shattered right now. Hope everything's OK your end," every time, and make it the day after she messages you. She needs to wean herself off these constant texts.

Ethel36 · 27/01/2019 14:37

I would only reply once a day. Ignore them all day then when you're in bed send a nice short message.

woolduvet · 27/01/2019 17:15

I think you feel obliged to answer every text, then she replies and it never ends.

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