Friend is driving me up the wall...

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My friend has recently found out she's pregnant after a year of TTC, I'm genuinely thrilled for her but she's in a constant state of worry and is messaging me constantly about symptoms and needing reassurance to the point where it's daily, all day and it's getting a bit much.

I'm having a MH crisis right now and whilst I'm happy to be there for her and provide reassurance throughout the pregnancy and share her happiness, I don't have the capacity for it all day every day

Before she got her positive test she was very much the same except her worries were whether she'd be able to conceive. Now she has her longed for pregnancy she's going through the motions about the potential for an ectopic, why her breasts no longer hurt, then they do, she feels too hot, she feels too cold, she's light headed, she's tired, shes hungry, she's got a runny nose, her feet ache etc etc. Constant messages from morning until night.

I've told her most of the above is perfectly normal in early pregnancy and that having a cold is nothing to worry about, but she's incessantly googling and driving herself (and me) bonkers.

She's booked an early reassurance scan when she'll be 7 weeks but I know as soon as she's had that she'll be fretting over something else and asking me questions she'd be better off speaking to a midwife about which I did tell her.

I've recommended support groups, pre natal groups, a chat with her GP and midwife once she's met her. I've given a constant virtual hand hold and responded to her constant messages in a timely and sympathetic manner, but what else can I do or say? I really can't manage this for the next eight months, it's been constant for the past year already. I'm heavily pregnant myself, have a lot going on at home and am in a bad place which she knows. I can't pour from an empty cup and the friendship has become very one sided and all about her.

Am I being selfish? I've tried to be a good friend to the best of my ability but have very limited mental space at the moment..

I’d sack right now for a comment like that. “awwwww” - what the fuck even is that?! I had a self-absorbed and troubled friend and I let her know I’d split from a boyfriend and she replied with a row of those crying-with-laughter smiley faces. It was the last straw.

Self absorbed, she bloody well is! You confess you are struggling and it's 'awww shame. Anyway, me me me me me.'

Mute is your friend as is pulling back.

Well she hasn't been discouraged and is back at it full throttle since I posted here a few days ago.

I shared one of those quite pictures which said something along the lines of not being a morning person so nobody message me until after 3:00pm! She commented on it saying "but I'm allowed to message you anytime haha" and went off on a tangent.

Asking for reassurance for the exact same thing she did the previous day, and again, and today.

Its making me reluctant to look at my mobile. I considered coming off social media where she messages the most but then she'd just end up ringing me.

I sent a short three word reply when it became apparent she was only messaging me to go over the same thing again, I closed the chat window and left it there.

Then she messaged me again saying she was moody and hormonal.

For fuck sake.

I'm very moody and hormonal myself for what it's worth

Right, you need to be a lot firmer with her, because she's clearly not giving a shit about how you're feeling. Tell her the constant messaging is making your anxiety worse so you're taking a couple of days off to give yourself a break. If she doesn't respect that, block her number until she gets the message.

I would just totally ignore her now. Or block her for a bit for a break.

I'm going to have to aren't I.

Sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind.

I really have given her so so much of my time and understanding I need to put myself first for a while.

Do it now, OP, while you resolve is strong. She's not going to be happy, she's most likely going to kick off, but that's not your problem. Put yourself first for once.

I've implemented the shorter messages, less responses and more time between messages already.

When I do get around to opening the conversation window there's 3/4/5 messages which have gone unanswered but she's still happy to send them because she's getting it off her chest and figures I'll read them and reply eventually.

There's been plenty of occasions in the past (pre pregnancy) where I've tried to steer the conversation away from her and towards something general, or offering some chat about what had been going on lately for me. She's never interested and it always gets flipped back around to something about her.

An example of this would be my DS's first birthday a few weeks ago, she asked how I was and I replied that I was ok but feeling a little sad that nobody had bothered with DS on his birthday. Without even acknowledging that she started ranting about her partner. She only feigns a faux interest in me so she can talk about her, it's really disheartening.

You should suggest she join Mush where she can meet other expecting Mums and post about her baby stress all day.

She's not a real friend, OP. She can't be when it's all a one-way street. I was all for blocking, but I think you should get rid. I don't think she's good for your mental health.

"She only feigns a faux interest in me so she can talk about her, it's really disheartening."

Oh there's not much to do about that type except ignore and see if they get the hint. I don't mean not opening or replying to messages for a few hours...more like days or weeks...months even.

If she calls and asks why just be honest, you're tired of being a sounding board in an uneven friendship.

I know people like that - when you're face to face with them you can see them hopping on the spot waiting for you to finish what you're saying so that they can talk about themselves.

I don't know what you should do about this woman; it depends on whether you want to keep her as a friend. She doesn't sound like a good friend at all.

She's an emotional vampire. You don't have the emotional fortitude for this. Block, delete, mute, do whatever you need to do, but your phone/social media/texts are for your convenience. Turn on all your privacy settings as far as you can, so the 'last seen' message doesn't show. I know you can do this on WhatsApp, but you also sacrifice your blue ticks. However, other people don't know if you've read their message either, so I like it! I'm not sure if you can do similar on faceache. At this point I wouldn't even bother reading her messages tbh. She's just venting, let her vent away for a couple of days in your messages and ignore them. You can mute conversations on Facebook, and if she calls you then don't answer. Start being far less available. Fill your own cup. Put your own oxygen mask on first. Whatever you need to do. Be firm!

You don't have to answer every one!

Just answer when you want and however short you want. You are really overthinking this.

4 messages later, send 1 reply.
If she asks why aren't you responding to her previous 3 messages asking for advice/having a moan, just say I'm getting bombarded so it's easy to miss them.

I think you need to change your mindset over this. You are not going to change her behaviour so just change your reactions.

I totally feel your annoyance, I have a similar situation with a family member who doesn’t help themself ..... I now save the messages /comments till late in the evening when I open them all together- most messages are negative. My partner laughs as he thinks the messages are the length that you find in chapters Of a book.

I reply with a few words/put a thumbs up 👍🏻 emoji and leave it at that.

Good luck

I had some sympathy with her - I had an extremely anxious early pregnancy and while I managed not to offload onto anyone else, DP had to listen to me talk about it for literally hours daily and if I hadn't had him I might have made a nuisance of myself to others - until I saw that you had directly told her that you were struggling yourself and all she managed was a weak 'Awww hope you're ok' before going back to herself. That is shit. It is one thing being so self-absorbed that it doesn't occur to you that others might have problems (not great, thoughtless) and another being so self-absorbed that you don't care when you know they have problems (actively callous). Stop replying, this isn't a friend - and soon you're going to have a newborn and she's still going to be trying to use you like this.

What chocatoo said. You are encouraging her by replying. She thinks you are enjoying the chat. Just check once a day, or every 2 or few days. Sure she knows to go to gp or a/e if real problem.

Tell her and be direct about it. Being thoughtless because you're venting is one thing - everyone's guilty of it at one time or another. But actively ignoring someone else's needs is nothing more than selfishness.

Message back and say that you are going to step back because it's become clear that the friendship is one-sided and that she only seems to want you as a sounding board. That it's hurtful to note that she's not at all interested in your feelings and what's going on in your life. Wish her the best for her pregnancy and explain that you won't be responding to further messages. Then delete and block.

People like this are mood hoovers - all they want to do is envelop you with their negativity and how hard done by they are. There's no give and take. Consequently they feel great because they get an on-tap therapist for free, and you feel like shit because not only are you carrying the weight of their problems but you're faced with the harsh reality that they don't give a shit about you.

Create a library of stock answers.
Number them 1 - 9
Send her the key.

To every text, randomly send a number.
Or "See above"

I've now muted the conversation on faceache (love that btw)

I've definitely toned down my responses until now in the hope she'd get the hint, she's seemingly oblivious or simply doesn't give a shit. I'm leaning toward the latter at the moment.

She called me last week at gone 10 at night just to rant about her partners ex, as soon as she finished venting that was it. Phone call over. No polite chit chat or exchanging pleasantries.

I had all the sympathy in the world for her until it became apparent she doesn't care for other peoples positions.

She's actually in a better place than I am at the moment yet it's all doom and gloom.

Just don’t respond to her messages or take a long time to reply, she will soon get fed up at not getting a quick enough response. Tell her to join MN so she can discus her worries with other mums due the same time as her instead of messaging you.

This might sound like a funny question, but are you a bit scared of her? I know you said you did care for her, but it sounds like you've realised how selfish she's being but you're still worried about upsetting her, and I wondered if it was partially fear of becoming the next target of her rants? Because she probably will complain about you to all and sundry - that seems to be her style - but they'll know instantly that you were in the right, even if they nod and smile away at her.

If she's tired at work she'll message me to moan about it. If her partners late home. If her step daughter has played up. If her mum has annoyed her. If she's missed her bus. If she's got a headache. If she's got a cold. If she wants to have a moan about her partners ex or have a bitch about somebody else. If her partner hasn't done the food shop. If she isn't getting enough attention from her partner. He isn't listening to her. If her bills are higher than usual. If shes annoyed about her partner giving his older child's mother money. Every time she gets something new from the shop she messages to say she's splashed out on XYZ and spent a fortune wherever. When she's feeling good about her outfit or make up she likes to send selfies for compliments. Pictures of meals she's cooked. Then there was the TTC period for a year where she'd want to talk about it daily. Now its the pregnancy and all associated niggles such as wind, nausea, implantation cramps (whilst still venting about all of the above)

There's no room for me in the friendship then I feel bad for thinking that as she'll send an occasional message saying "so how are you and DS" but as soon as I reply it becomes apparent that she only asked to open the line of communication to talk about herself.

I'm not a shit friend am I, she genuinely is self absorbed?