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Original poster

Friend is driving me up the wall...

140 replies

Abcdefghii · 27/01/2019 11:54

My friend has recently found out she's pregnant after a year of TTC, I'm genuinely thrilled for her but she's in a constant state of worry and is messaging me constantly about symptoms and needing reassurance to the point where it's daily, all day and it's getting a bit much.

I'm having a MH crisis right now and whilst I'm happy to be there for her and provide reassurance throughout the pregnancy and share her happiness, I don't have the capacity for it all day every day

Before she got her positive test she was very much the same except her worries were whether she'd be able to conceive. Now she has her longed for pregnancy she's going through the motions about the potential for an ectopic, why her breasts no longer hurt, then they do, she feels too hot, she feels too cold, she's light headed, she's tired, shes hungry, she's got a runny nose, her feet ache etc etc. Constant messages from morning until night.

I've told her most of the above is perfectly normal in early pregnancy and that having a cold is nothing to worry about, but she's incessantly googling and driving herself (and me) bonkers.

She's booked an early reassurance scan when she'll be 7 weeks but I know as soon as she's had that she'll be fretting over something else and asking me questions she'd be better off speaking to a midwife about which I did tell her.

I've recommended support groups, pre natal groups, a chat with her GP and midwife once she's met her. I've given a constant virtual hand hold and responded to her constant messages in a timely and sympathetic manner, but what else can I do or say? I really can't manage this for the next eight months, it's been constant for the past year already. I'm heavily pregnant myself, have a lot going on at home and am in a bad place which she knows. I can't pour from an empty cup and the friendship has become very one sided and all about her.

Am I being selfish? I've tried to be a good friend to the best of my ability but have very limited mental space at the moment..

OP posts:
Original poster
Abcdefghii · 31/01/2019 16:16

@LisaSimpsonsbff I think perhaps I am yes, I've never considered that before.

She's very loud and outspoken whereas I'm the opposite. I don't do confrontation and don't fancy being on the receiving end of one of her rants, or being the subject of one to somebody else.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 31/01/2019 16:16

Or maybe send a message saying something like “I’m really sorry if I don’t reply to you messages over the coming days/months but I’m not in a great place at the moment and I need to deal with my own health rather than sorting out everyone else’s problems”?

punishmepunisher · 31/01/2019 16:18

She sounds like a shit friend tbh.

LittleMissCwtch · 31/01/2019 16:18

Don't feel bad about taking a step back, sounds like it's a one way friendship.

Your mental health has to come first, I had a friend who messaged me and would bombard me, but if I mentioned anything about me in my reply it was brushed over.

If I went to meet her it was like all my energy and joy was sucked out she was so negative.

Look after yourself Flowers

cjt110 · 31/01/2019 16:19

Just mute and don't respond as she clearly is not taking the hint.

VampirateQueen · 31/01/2019 16:20

From experience you really need to tell her that you are happy for her, love her dearly, care and are always there but to please stop bombarding you with messages, explain that you know she is anxious and understand why but you have xyz going on yourself and it is starting to get too much, you have to think about yourself and your baby. My friend was like yours and I left it until I blew up at her and we nearly fell out over it.

BookwormMe2 · 31/01/2019 16:21

I'm not a shit friend am I, she genuinely is self absorbed?

Oh OP, I want to half hug you, half shake you! Of course you're not a shit friend and of course she is self-absorbed! I'm amazed you have to ask either question. Seriously, read back that last post about all the reasons she messages you. IT'S NOT NORMAL! She's using you as her personal news feed! No wonder you're anxious - all those messages would be seriously doing my head in. Pictures of her dinner? WTAF???

Cut her loose. For your sanity.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 31/01/2019 16:24

Ration her.
Tell her you only have the emotional strength for one text a day.
Tell her that texts 2 to 104 are going straight in the delete bin.
It's up to her to decide which text she wants a reply to...

LisaSimpsonsbff · 31/01/2019 16:24

It is definitely her not you! I do understand the fear - you have to be a very thick-skinned person not to care that someone is being nasty about you, even if you know you're in the right - but I do think you have to push through it. I don't think there's any way of making this stop without pissing her off - and you need to make it stop!

VietnameseCrispyFish · 31/01/2019 16:27

Look at the cycle of anxiety and reassurance seeking OP, you’re actually feeding her anxiety by constantly providing reassurance, which temporarily eases her anxiety for a minute but just means she learns that’s the way to handle it next time. And by doing all of the work for her, she’s never able to sit with her anxiety long enough to learn how to self soothe.

So give yourself permission to stop feeding it. You’re just making it worse despite meaning well. And it’s not your problem.

BTW if you give her details for your local NHS IAPT team they’ll fast track her due to being pregnant and see her right away. She might need CBT for generalised anxiety.

BumbleBeee69 · 31/01/2019 16:27

Stop replying to her texts as they come

this Flowers

VietnameseCrispyFish · 31/01/2019 16:29

This might sound like a funny question, but are you a bit scared of her?

I picked up on that too. There’s some reason you’re continuing to bleed yourself dry for someone who doesn’t really care about you in return.

ButtMuncher · 31/01/2019 16:31

I had hideous pregnancy anxiety but rather than bombard someone else, I spoke to my midwife and had perinatal and postnatal mental health care. Your friend needs to do the same as it's not fair on you to be bombarded in this way. You're also pregnant and also suffering and she needs to respectfully remember the planet doesn't revolve around her.

StroppyWoman · 31/01/2019 16:31

Block the number and focus on yourself and your needs.

She won't change, she will start getting stroppy about you not being at her beck and call and quite frankly, you don't need that crap.

If you want to keep the friendship after yur babies are born, perhaps message her with "I'm going offline for a few weeks, need to get myself in a stronger place before the baby comes. See you on the other side, look after yourself..."

Then mute and block and set yourself free.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 31/01/2019 16:32

It’s so so hard. I’ve been the self absorbed one before...stopped...did a 360° and apologised to the friend I’d been using as a sounding board for months about shit ex. It worked. But I was in a bad bad place at the time and it was for a short spell.

This one has self absorbed written all over her.

I managed to shake one of these off but I had to straight up ignore her messages. It was hard and I felt cruel but she would take and take and it drained me, DH would hide my phone between 5 and 7 as that was her peak time and it would fry my head at the babies’ tea time, just the pinging, not even the reading.

Cold turkey now OP. Cold, hard turkey.

Howlovely · 31/01/2019 16:32

What a bore she is! And a complete sponge. She is sucking the life out of you by bombarding you with all these completely self-absorbed messages.

I had a slightly similar situation with an older friend (she was old thought to be my mum). Her boyfriend had dumped her and she was on at me 24/7. Constant messages, phone calls etc. My partner very unexpectedly died and when I told her she said that at least we were 'going through the same thing' and that we could help each other through it. Truth is, I didn't need or want her to help me. In the end I just completely cut back on communication, texted very brief responses to her nonsense and she ended up finding some other poor sod to steal from. Be sure that's what it felt like, like she was stealing from me!
Be firm and good luck! X

AlwaysSunnyInLiverpool · 31/01/2019 16:34

Honestly OP, I used to have a family member like this. Literally message after message even on days where I had work. I hit a particularly stressful period at work and had come out of a meeting to find about 5 missed text messages, each getting more irate that I hadn't replied ("are you ignoring me" etc), and I just flipped. Put the relative on mute and actively pushed all thoughts of them from my mind.

About 2 days later (at the weekend), I checked the messages and there was a STREAM of bile in the pile - saying I was unsupportive, ignoring them at the time they needed me most, and it was such an eye opener. at no point had my work pressures, family commitments been considered - for all this relative knew, i'd simply lost my phone or had it stolen for a couple of days. that was the final straw - I sent them another short message saying i'd been busy with work stress, couldn't supply the support they clearly needed any more, and said we'd catch up another time. it's been fairly easy to avoid her IRL since then (I live quite far away from that part of the family).

i'm now dreading the next big family event where we'll bump into each other a bit.
however, this relative has turned to another person in my family for "support" on the same topics (mostly relationship issues and some behaviour problems with their 2 children) - no doubt planning to sap them dry too.

I look back and wonder why the hell I didn't put a stop to it years ago - this got a lot worse with social media/the speed at which responses were expected now , ramping up from an occasional text message or call about 5 years ago and then steadily getting worse.

it's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

i'd suggest you try something similar with your friend. seriously, just put her on mute for 2 days and see how you feel then.

Enigmam · 31/01/2019 16:34

You're going to have to ignore her messages. I suffered a bereavement around the time that a friend of mine fell pregnant. All I got was constant pregnancy messages. I really tried to help initially but it was relentless and I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to deal with it. In the end I had to send her a message wishing her all the best with her pregnancy and ended the friendship.

RangeRider · 31/01/2019 16:35

"I'm going offline for a few weeks, need to get myself in a stronger place before the baby comes. See you on the other side, look after yourself..."
Send this ^ and then don't reply to ANY of her messages OR calls. She can't legitimately complain as you've told her what you're doing. She's not your friend.

Original poster
Abcdefghii · 31/01/2019 16:37

I'm pretty sure if I stopped being her free therapist there would be no friendship at all, because the basis of the friendship is that I'm always there for her.

I've allowed it to continue because I'm an introverted person and don't have many friends, but I think I prefer it that way above my only purpose being a sounding board for every minor inconvenience in her life.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 31/01/2019 16:46

I don't have that many friends either, outside of work, but I'd rather be calm and peaceful than have a "close friend" suck the life right out of me and not give a shit she was doing it.

She's destroying the friendship, not you - if it's any consolidation.

CoraPirbright · 31/01/2019 16:47

if I stopped being her free therapist there would be no friendship at all

You should stop and think about that for a mo OP because friendship should be about give and take. This is all give and no take. She doesn’t give a rats arse about you as long as you are her own personal echo chamber.

To give you strength, look back at the last 200 messages - how many are about you?

Either go for the nuclear option and tell her how selfish she is and block her or the “I’m going off-line” message as above which I think is excellent. Then block her number and just feel that weight lift......

Original poster
Abcdefghii · 31/01/2019 16:49

She's muted now and will stay that way for at least the next few days. Its really not in my nature to blank people but her type of personality means it's easier for me to do that than to pull her up on it, because I'll be the bad one.

I did tell her months ago I'll always be there for her and now I'm eating my words. I absolutely meant well and was being genuine when i said that, but I can't sustain it on the level which she expects of me.

Our 'friendship' is one that has developed online since I relocated after leaving our home town. We were acquainted prior as I knew her through some other friends but we never met up in person for arranged lunches or developed any type of meaningful friendship until I moved a few hundred miles away.

She reached out on social media for some reason or other and we got to chatting regularly and I thought she was a great person and I hadn't realised how lovely she was and what a shame we hadn't become closer sooner. We'd talk regularly but then over the years it became apparent it was all for the sake of her having a free bloody therapist.

OP posts:
shadypines · 31/01/2019 16:49

If she is making it 'all about her' and messaging you constantly whilst you have more than enough then you need to take a step back. Stop answering her constant messages as this is enabling her self obsessed behaviour eg. she assumes you are interested in everything little thing she has going on AND that you have nothing else better to do than think about her problems and message replies.
Gently tell her you are too busy for this stuff, it's not a case of being a bad friend at all, you have a life to lead too and the sooner she realises this the better.

SingaporeSlinky · 31/01/2019 16:51

All sounds very draining. I’d be going much longer between texts, and possibly keep responding with ‘talk to your GP or midwife if you’re concerned, I’ve got my own pregnancy to worry about’ until she gets the hint. If it’s not pregnancy related, just ignore it and don’t even respond.