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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset/angry at older man complaining about children in restaurant.

431 replies

Wakingwillow · 26/01/2019 22:52

Just that really. This is my first post but I've been a long time fan of AIBU. We're visiting the UK for a family event.
We're a family of 6, four kids age 11, 9 and 15 mth twins. Staying in a chain family friendly hotel for the weekend. Extended family here also.
After activities today everyone was tired so we decided to have a group family meal in the hotel restaurant. Total 7 children and 8 adults. 5 of the older children (age 8 to 11) sat at a table together next to us. All were very well behaved stayed seated, coloured pages and chatted. The twins sat with adults and made usual toddler noises but nothing too disruptive imo. We had items to keep them entertained and also took them out to lobby area several times.
We arrived at 6pm but due to under staffing there was a delay taking orders and getting food to the table. Kids were served food about 7.20 pm. Adults at 8 ish. (That needs another thread 😐)
After the toddlers had eaten my husband and I took them upstairs cleaned them up, got their pj's on then went back down with them to eat our own meal.
Just as we started eating an older man came over to our table and said that we had ruined his and his wifes night with all our noise.
I really didn't know what to say. I felt an array of emotions, embarrased, upset and finally annoyed/angry. We apologised for the toddlers being disruptive, explained there had been a long delay in them getting food and said we were doing our best to keep them occupied. I also asked him what else could we do, they had to eat to which he responded they should be feed in the room.
I'm so surprised and upset by this. I've never had this happen before and I'm usually very considerate of other diners when we're out as I'm quite shy and don't like to draw attention.
This has really upset me.
I'm just wondering what others have done / would have done in this situation.

OP posts:
bengalcat · 27/01/2019 12:53

It’s never going to be a peaceful meal for two if you’ve 8 adults and 7kids nearby - was he referring to the kids or adults ?

LoniceraJaponica · 27/01/2019 13:01

"I genuinely take no notice of other people's noise levels when I'm in a restaurant."

Some people (OH and DD in particular) are very sensitive to noisy environments, and I find it difficult to hear a conversation when there is too much background noise.

Azelma · 27/01/2019 13:10

@MargueritaPink

The casual ageism on MN is very tedious. Like Bertrand I would have had sympathy but for that, although I very much doubt the table of 8-11 year olds was quite as well behaved.

^ Can anyone else see the irony in this statement? So it's ageist to mention the approximate age of the person who complained, yet OK to automatically assume that a group of 8-11 year olds would not be well-behaved.

Jaxhog · 27/01/2019 13:14

It's about being tolerant AND about being sensitive to others. I've no doubt that a large family party is a whole is louder than several small families. Large parties are louder, by virtue of them talking (and shouting) to each other across a bigger space. Tables with only kids on them are also louder by virtue of not having close adult supervision. Put them togther, and I'm betting you were quite a lot louder and annoying than you realise.

It is also unacceptable to suggest that 'older' people should avoid cheaper 'family' restaurants and only frequent more expensive ones! Are they to be banned from eating out cheaply just because they don't have a bunch of unruly, noisy kids with them?

In my experience, most family groups are pretty well behaved. It's just the few 'entitled to make a noise' groups who spoil things for everyone else.

corythatwas · 27/01/2019 13:15

15 People isn't a family meal it's a crowd

so is an office party or a conference group or a reunion of old school friends or a group of businessmen out to lunch

the times I have been unable to have a conversation in a restaurant due to noise of other diners it has invariably been one of the above groups

I wish somebody would just sit them down with a colouring book to keep them quiet...

Dongdingdong · 27/01/2019 13:16

I must admit, if I'd walked into the restaurant and seen a big group with so many kids, my heart would have sank. I'd try to sit as far away from you as possible or even cancel my booking if there was another restaurant nearby. For many people it's a real treat to dine out every now and then, and to have the experience ruined by noisy kids can be really disappointing.

And before anyone says they weren't being that noisy, it must've been pretty bad for the man to have complained.

Dongdingdong · 27/01/2019 13:19

My OH told him he better f--- off out of the cafe then!

How embarrassing - you must have been mortified!

Maddy70 · 27/01/2019 13:20

TBf as parents sometimes we are oblivious to our children's noise. They obviously had disturbed their meal otherwise he wouldn't have said anything. I sat by children who all had ipads lady night, the kids were really good but the noises from the games in their I pads drove me insane..

Iwantdaffodils · 27/01/2019 13:26

It may have changed now, but when I lived in northern Spain it was common for large family groups to go out for lunch on a Sunday. It was lovely, three generations usually, with the children sitting between the adults and talking and eating nicely.
They never had a separate table of children. I've experienced that here in the UK. One of the children was extremely rude to a couple (yes, an older couple) who were looking over disapprovingly because of the noise.

Silkie2 · 27/01/2019 13:29

The older men (over 70s) in my family are totally intolerant of young DCs. In their day children were seen and not heard. But corporal punishment is banned now - but the main problem is them being selfish and grumpy.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 27/01/2019 13:40

Dong (feel so rude saying that) they were in a chain restaurant that is well known as being family friendly
If you think eating at such a place early evening is a treat you need to think about going more sophisticated places

bourbonbiccy · 27/01/2019 13:58

I would try not to worry about too much. You sound like you did everything to keep your babies amused and out ofmischief 😉

I would have just advised them not to frequent a child friendly restaurant if they are not child friend.

It does make me laugh when people go to such places and then complain about children making noise, surely it's common sense to go elsewhere if you don't want to hear children.

MrsMacbeth · 27/01/2019 14:09

If you think eating at such a place early evening is a treat you need to think about going more sophisticated places

But for many people that is what they can afford and it is a treat so don't be so sneery.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 27/01/2019 15:30

And so it's a treat for people with kids also. There are also many other places at a similar cost (in fact prob cheaper) that have adults only after a certain time policy so why not go there? Why go to a family friendly restaurant and get annoyed when you see kids there? Be like me going to a vegan restaurant and complaining there's no steak on the menu

ilovesooty · 27/01/2019 15:32

Also quite a few older people don't want to eat too late. They eat early go to bed early and get up early.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 27/01/2019 15:33

But they can still choose where they eat unlike children
And in the grand scheme of things they are no more important than children

QueenieInFrance · 27/01/2019 15:35

A family friendly restaurant or hotel is NOT only for people with young children.
It just means that they have facilities adapted to them.
Some of them are also very good for people with disabilities, which, ironically include Quite a Few of older people.

I’m gobbsmacked at the idea that it wouod be ok to segregate people according to their age or abilities etc..
And even more that people shouod segregate themselves

All that becaus wof à few that can’t be bothered to make an effort to their fellow customers.

Fabaunt · 27/01/2019 15:36

Dong (feel so rude saying that) they were in a chain restaurant that is well known as being family friendly
If you think eating at such a place early evening is a treat you need to think about going more sophisticated places

After 8 isn’t early evening. It’s the parents who had the kids out too late, not the old people who were out too early.

QueenieInFrance · 27/01/2019 15:42

If you think eating at such a place early evening is a treat you need to think about going more sophisticated places

Of you think that everyone can afford to go out in more ‘sofisticated’ places, then you need to get a life and realise that not everyone can afford more than those ‘cheap’ hotels. For some people (quite a lot of people!) a Premier Inn IS a luxury they can only afford once in a blue moon and having the experience spoiled by people who don’t care about others ‘because they shouod be able to accomodate’ isn’t great either.
Not when it’s your once every two or there years holiday for example.

We know that the OP is wealthy enough to afford a trip with 4 kids. So the OP might well have more choice available than an elderly couple living on the national State Pension.

That’s sort fo comments are showing a lack of understanding of the society where you live tbh.

swingofthings · 27/01/2019 16:08

The older men (over 70s) in my family are totally intolerant of young DCs. In their day children were seen and not heard. But corporal punishment is banned now - but the main problem is them being selfish and grumpy
The man was selfish? For not tolerating misbehaved and loud children from disturbing the pleasure of his meal? The attitude of entitlement of some parents nowadays is appauling and frankly, with such an attitude it is no surprise kids also act as like Kings of the castle wherever they go.

By the way, my dad is 70, and me and siblings always sat at the same table than the adults. They engaged us in conversation just as they did with the other adults. We were encouraged to talk, but if we started giggling loudly, let alone shouting, we were rightly told off for disturbing other people.

swingofthings · 27/01/2019 16:12

And in the grand scheme of things they are no more important than children
It's nothing to do with who is more important, it's about appreciating that no-one one to be disturbed by the presence of other people. How would the family have felt if the man had taken out an accordéon and started singing old fashion songs? Would OP have told her kids when they complained that thry needed to stop being selfish because he was entitled to sing as he wished and disturbed everyone in the restaurant?

MargueritaPink · 27/01/2019 16:13

The casual ageism on MN is very tedious. Like Bertrand I would have had sympathy but for that, although I very much doubt the table of 8-11 year olds was quite as well behaved

Can anyone else see the irony in this statement? So it's ageist to mention the approximate age of the person who complained, yet OK to automatically assume that a group of 8-11 year olds would not be well-behaved

You have missed the point. The age of the person complaining is irrelevant.

So far as the children the OP herself said they had frequent trips out to the lobby which rather suggests this particular group wasn't quite as quiet as the OP claims. No statement is being made about all 8 - 11 year olds.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 27/01/2019 19:38

So what if a party of disabled people were there making noises? And the grumpy older people were disturbed? Doesn't sound at all like the ops kids were unruly so why should people play their face simply because they are kids?

BertrandRussell · 27/01/2019 19:59

The age of the children is relevant because it’s possible to decide how much slack should be cut for them because of their age. The age of the complainer is completely irrelevant.

Notever · 27/01/2019 20:09

What would he hope to achieve complaining after his meal? Why didnt he say something before you 'ruined his and his wifes meal'?
Children are members of the public. If you dont like being around them, stay at home.