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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset/angry at older man complaining about children in restaurant.

431 replies

Wakingwillow · 26/01/2019 22:52

Just that really. This is my first post but I've been a long time fan of AIBU. We're visiting the UK for a family event.
We're a family of 6, four kids age 11, 9 and 15 mth twins. Staying in a chain family friendly hotel for the weekend. Extended family here also.
After activities today everyone was tired so we decided to have a group family meal in the hotel restaurant. Total 7 children and 8 adults. 5 of the older children (age 8 to 11) sat at a table together next to us. All were very well behaved stayed seated, coloured pages and chatted. The twins sat with adults and made usual toddler noises but nothing too disruptive imo. We had items to keep them entertained and also took them out to lobby area several times.
We arrived at 6pm but due to under staffing there was a delay taking orders and getting food to the table. Kids were served food about 7.20 pm. Adults at 8 ish. (That needs another thread 😐)
After the toddlers had eaten my husband and I took them upstairs cleaned them up, got their pj's on then went back down with them to eat our own meal.
Just as we started eating an older man came over to our table and said that we had ruined his and his wifes night with all our noise.
I really didn't know what to say. I felt an array of emotions, embarrased, upset and finally annoyed/angry. We apologised for the toddlers being disruptive, explained there had been a long delay in them getting food and said we were doing our best to keep them occupied. I also asked him what else could we do, they had to eat to which he responded they should be feed in the room.
I'm so surprised and upset by this. I've never had this happen before and I'm usually very considerate of other diners when we're out as I'm quite shy and don't like to draw attention.
This has really upset me.
I'm just wondering what others have done / would have done in this situation.

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 27/01/2019 09:39

bet if it had been a group of middle aged business men having a boozy dinner and making more noise than your children, he wouldn't have said a word to them.

^^ this

QueenieInFrance · 27/01/2019 09:40

madcat maybe they were stayingbat the hotel too?
And they were tired from having spend the day out doing activities too?

Why is it ok to find excuses for one group of people and not the other??
Why shouod one group of people (older people, people who children) shouod automatically accept anything coming form another group (in this case assist with small children)?
Respect shouod go both ways imo

In my experience, in the U.K., parents often totally oblivious to the amount of noise children are making (even more so when there are two of them! As a parent if twins, you might be used to the level of noise. Other people won’t) And the mess (think food all over the floor under a toddler highchair for example).
So yes people around ARE getting annoyed about it.
And being told to just go somewhere else doesn’t help either tbh.
So much of you and then, othering mentality at play. A ‘I dint care about others’ type of attitude.

OP I think your first reaction when you felt guilty was the right one tbh. Because that’s also the one that will make you think ahead next time on how to deal with a restaurant/when to eat/how to entertain dcs/what level of noise is acceptable.
At that age, none of my dcs would still have been up at that time. Because they wouod have been noisy/grumpy/screaming due to tiredness.
Which also means, they would have been fed (even if only from a jar - you couod have asked the restaurant to heat it up for you) changed and in a pushchair to fall asleep until our meal had arrived.

QueenieInFrance · 27/01/2019 09:42

bet if it had been a group of middle aged business men having a boozy dinner and making more noise than your children, he wouldn't have said a word to them.

I wouodnt have either because I wouod have been frightened of the backlash, them becoming aggressive etc...
I’m pretty sure someone over 70 wouod have felt just as vulnerable.

It doesn’t mean I would have accepted it or appreciated it or thought it was ok.
I would certainly have though they were wankers and a pain in the arse with no idea what politeness and respect for other customers means.

Bitlost · 27/01/2019 09:43

Were you at the Beefeater by any chance? Yeovil perhaps?

I hate it when restaurants take so long to serve you/bring you the bill when you have young kids.

Children in the UK mustn’t be heard or seen, as evidenced by poster above asking if she can take her 13-year-old to the restaurant. Hmm Often children are not invited to weddings eiger. It’s weird.

User079641 · 27/01/2019 09:44

He was incredibly rude and I’m sure you didn’t ruin his night. Miserable people like him (and some of the posters on here) just love complaining and trying to make other people feel bad.

YWBU for tolerating his nonsense and trying to appease him. You and your kids have as much right to be there as him. If he didn’t want to be in a restaurant with kids HE should be the one to leave.

QueenieInFrance · 27/01/2019 09:45

But I would NEVER be so rude as to approach the family and complain.

Serious question
Can yup explain why it’s rude to go and complain to the family destroying your eace.
But somehow they aren’t rude for doing so in the first place?

As far as I am concerned, people can't expect you to be nice and polite if they dont respect you in the first place. Why should you be polite towards them if they aren’t towards you?

Villanellenovella · 27/01/2019 09:49

Queenie - because if you're sitting there without kids it's easier to turn the other cheek. They were miserable feckers.

zzzzz · 27/01/2019 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user789653241 · 27/01/2019 09:54

User079641, I really don' get the comment like yours. Yes, there is a possibility that this man was horrible and OP's family was doing nothing wrong. But there is other possibility. The OP's group was indeed noisy to the extreme, and the man was not normally unreasonable.
Only Op would know the truth, and we can only speculate. And we don't even know OP's take is a reasonable one or not, because she can only decide from her own standard.

BarbarianMum · 27/01/2019 09:54

oragami I think kids can go to "nice" restaurants when they can behave appropriately - ie sit talking w the adults, good table manners, dont require chicken nuggets etc So for my neice that was age 6, most Italian children by age 8 or 9, my kids about 12 and my nephew's only just there at 16.

flumpybear · 27/01/2019 09:57

He actually probably wound himself up by getting bothered about something that was not an issue, family friendly means if you want a very quiet intimate dinner you're in the wrong place, not the family

LoniceraJaponica · 27/01/2019 09:59

“People despise kids in this country, don't they?”

Not necessarily. Sometimes the ones most irritated by noisy children are parents themselves who just want to get away from parenting for a short time and want to enjoy a bit of peace and quiet.

That said DD (18) really does not like babies and small children and says they give her a headache. When I announced that her cousin had had a baby all she could say was “Eurgh”

I think there are several issues here:

  1. The food was late so the children were bound to become bored and fractious
  2. Parents of children tend to be immune to the noise their children make, so I suspect that your children were noisier than you think
  3. If said gentleman really didn’t like children why was he eating in a family friendly restaurant in the first place? If I want a quiet meal I tend to go to places that don’t really welcome small children
  4. I wouldn’t have complained to you, but I might have tried to move table if there was one available
  5. The man’s age is irrelevant Hmm
  6. I don’t like eating where it is noisy regardless of whether it is children or adults making a noise
80sMum · 27/01/2019 10:01

I think that the man was wrong to have spoken to you, OP. If he had a complaint, it should have been directed to the restaurant manager, not to you personally. It is not for him to say whether or not your children were making an unreasonable amount of noise.

BarbarianMum · 27/01/2019 10:06

I know quite a few "older people" who eat in family friendly places because of the prices. Not everyone is on a big pension and can afford Michelin stars and (generalisation here) not all older people are comfortable/ able to eat spicy foods, knocking out Indian and similar restaurants as a cheap alternative.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 27/01/2019 10:11

@QueenieInFrance I should have been clearer, I meant in this particular situation. It’s a family friendly hotel restaurant (I’m guessing low to mid budget, not high end) and the OP were a large party with children. They were likely to be noisy, however well behaved, and the staff should have seated them away from other diners. In those circumstances I would not have complained to the family, I MIGHT have asked to be moved to a better table.

Hypothetically if I was being disturbed by a noisy party I would complain to the staff and expect them to resolve the issue diplomatically. I would not approach another party directly.

user789653241 · 27/01/2019 10:13

flumpybear, I don't think so. Family friendly doesn't mean they only welcome families. And family friendly doesn't also mean they can do anything they like.
As I said before, I don't know anything about this particular situation. So I can't really say which party was being unreasonable. But to say they are in the wrong place if they are not the family is a bit mean.

derxa · 27/01/2019 10:15

I might have complained if I was in that restaurant. It sounds unbearable.

Villanellenovella · 27/01/2019 10:15

This 'parents of young children can be immune to the noise their kids make' crap really annoys me. If anything it's the opposite. More often the parent is trying desperately to keep them quiet

ManicUnicorn · 27/01/2019 10:18

I'd really like to hear the man's side of the story. Having had many a nice meal out ruined by screaming, badly behaved kids I can sympathise a bit, well a lot actually.

PopCakes · 27/01/2019 10:19

The only times I've been annoyed are when it's not really a family type place (Eg nine o clock on Friday evening in a nice restaurant) or if the family aren't even attempting to quiet down the kids (Eg not taking a screaming baby out of its high chair) or allowing kids to watch ipads on max volume etc.

CowJumping · 27/01/2019 10:21

Just remember that younger working men and women are now the ones paying for their pensions, smile sweetly and ignore!

And to the other diners:
Just remember that older working men and women are the ones who paid for young people’s educations and for the medical costs of having their families, smile sweetly and ignore!

It really does work both ways, as does the presence of a family of 4 children in a restaurant.

You may indeed have been noisy just by being yourselves. Nothing terrible about that.

But NEITHER is it terrible that other diners wanted a quieter environment- as suited to an evening meal at 7pm and later.

If it’s the Premier Inn, yes, the hotel and its restaurants are “family friendly” but it doesn’t mean they’re for families only or “family restaurants” ( such as Pizza Hut). Such restaurants offer a range of services for a range of diners each of whom has the right to feel comfortable.

The ageism on here is - sadly - predictable.

MargueritaPink · 27/01/2019 10:22

I think "you're a miserable old twat" was the only accurate response.

No it wasn't. And yet again the casual ageism of MN rears its head.

People despise kids in this country, don't they? tosh - but a fair few seem to despise old people.

To eat her food? Or should one of them have not had dinner to appease the other diners?

They clearly wanted the twins in bed ASAP or wouldn't have put them in PJs, but they did need to eat first

Yes- one of the adults should have drawn the short straw and stayed with the toddlers. A meal could easily have been brought up to them. Bringing the children back down in their pyjamas was ridiculous.

Biancadelriosback · 27/01/2019 10:23

YANBU. You did the best you could in that situation. It doesn't sound like you were letting them scream and run around. I don't think he was BU to be annoyed or irritated, but he certainly was BU to speak to you about it. It's not like you can go back in time and fix the issue. If he had of approached you during, so when you actually could have done something about it, then that would be fair enough. There is also a way to approach people. Telling them they have ruined your evening is just pointless. Asking them if they can please keep the noise down actually gives them a chance of doing that.

On the agist front, you probably didn't need to mention his age, it's not entirely relevant.

MrsBandersnatch · 27/01/2019 10:26

I bet his wife was cross with him op, grumpy so and so

Maybe she wasn't. Maybe she encouraged him.

echt · 27/01/2019 10:26

Bertie can’t you find another drum to bang? This one is getting really tedious. You’re getting older, I’m getting older, we’re ALL getting older. There’s really no need to be so bloody sensitive about it

You carry on banging, Bertrand. Smile