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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Comments that stay with us

385 replies

whatacrapusername2306 · 25/01/2019 13:37

DD came home one day last week and said someone at school had called her ‘greasy hair’ She hasn’t btw, I am a hairdresser and wouldn’t allow her hair look a mess. She is still talking about this comment a week later. This has really flagged up some emotion in me from my school years. I remember every single nasty comment that was made to me. It can still bring me to tears when I think about it. Mostly comments on my appearance, size (I was small and thin) trampy clothes, squinty eye, nobody fancys you etc etc. It’s stupid I know, but has anyone else had a comment stay with them into adulthood?

OP posts:
thesuninsagittarius · 28/12/2019 15:45

Hugs to everyone. My parents made it clear they were disappointed by me and my sister. They criticised and bullied us, belittled and swore at us then complained we had no self confidence. My sister, at least, was considered pretty. I was 'the other one.' School was one long nightmare. I was called big nose, spotty, lesbian, dog. Once at 17 I was in a bar talking to a bloke who didn't seem to care how I looked. A mate of his came over and said 'who's the dog?' to him. I will never never forget it. I've been called ugly most of my life. I'm single again at 53 and I have no confidence to date or even show I'm interested.
My mother was a spiteful bitch. Not long after I'd had my third baby I was walking home with her in the pram and this creepy bloke was following me. He walked behind me all the way to my house and hung around outside. I did phone the police and he was arrested later that day for exposing himself to school girls.
When I told my mum about this and how scared I'd been as he walked so close behind me, she looked me up and down and said 'I'm not surprised if you were wearing that.' 'That' was a plain, black knee-length stretchy skirt. How could someone make such a hateful, nasty comment to their own daughter? She's dead now and I'm glad. Very low contact with father as he is an enabling, self-absorbed twat.

lyralalala · 28/12/2019 15:56

I had a silly spat with a friend when I was 9. One of the boys in my class said to my friend (who started the spat) “Oh just ignore Lala, even her parents don’t like her”

My parents were abusive and I lived with my grandparents. I was heartbroken by it. Stupidly I burst into tears and it became their go-to insult after that

When I was 14 I politely, and privately, queried something with a teacher that she’d got wrong (she’d totally contradicted herself and I genuinely didn’t know which of the two answers was correct)

As I left her classroom another teacher came in and I overheard her saying “Christ, I can see why her father resorted to giving her a slap sometimes” and they both laughed. I’ve never forgotten that, and never will

anotherday4 · 28/12/2019 16:00

Oh yes someone said the same to me when I was in high school, never had greasy hair because every morning I washed it! And another one I remember a boy starting school in year 9. For some reason he took a liking to me (every girl fancied him) we only kissed once and even though I was over the moon at the time the next few weeks in school where hideous ! Everyone went on one and said I had fish eyes :( it's stuck with me forever I'm now in my 30s and always wear makeup and google ways to make my eyes smaller ! Kids can be horrible

TuppenceDarling · 28/12/2019 16:01

“You’ve got fat” old friend of the family I hadn’t seen for 15 years.

R11zz · 28/12/2019 16:34

My mother was like that never said anything nice. It was always a back handed compliment she used to say I was conceived through rape just to see my reaction. As I got older I realised she was jealous of me. Still hurts though.

undercoveraessedai · 28/12/2019 17:26

This is the saddest thread!

Flowers for all of you.

Plenty of gorilla legs / boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses / geeky / pizza face comments which have never left me but which don't cause me ongoing angst.

"Friend" (not any more) told me, after I'd lost a lot of weight due to a breakup and barely eating or sleeping for months, that "oh, yeah I suppose size 12 is quite thin... for you"

And I had a twat of a boss a few years ago who eventually got sacked for multiple counts of harassment, his comments have stayed with me as a reminder of one reason I'm now self employed!!

Family members have also told me how I'll never get a boyfriend / husband if I don't lose weight / get rid of my moustache / etc etc. All appearance based, all bollocks.

I'm now a delighted size 18, happy, single and childfree very much by choice and the lot of them can get to fuck :)

I also burlesque for joy, and after one performance a lady told me it was the first time she had ever seen her body shape and a sexy woman wearing glasses represented on stage and she felt inspired 🥰 that stayed with me for good reasons!

BellatrixLestat · 28/12/2019 17:39

Walking down the road with my (stunning) friend at about 16 and some lads shout something over the road and I turned and they said 'I was talking to your mate, not you. You're a fat, ugly b*tch'. My friend marched over and gave them a right earful.

It stated with me as in it upset me a lot at the time and I remember it (mainly because of my friend's reaction, never seen her so angry), but it hasn't affected me particularly badly. I was a short, overweight teenager and had MH issues so didn't take care of myself (didn't wash or brush my hair, didn't care about what I wore), so I got a lot of mean comments about my appearance. Absolutely inexcusable but luckily they haven't stuck with me into adulthood.

goodnightdigger · 28/12/2019 17:42

Mostly my mother. I cannot sing in front if anyone as when I was 7 she screamed, "SHUT UP! You sound like a strangled cat!" Although my husband has overheard on occasions and said I have a lovely voice, why don't I sing more - I just can't.
Regularly called me a 'fishwife' I'm very self conscious of being loud now.
Countless snipes here and there, but the year I left home she called me the "root of all the evil and problems in this house" that one has really stuck. She thinks we have a fantastic mother/daughter relationship now...

GilbertMarkham · 28/12/2019 17:43

He came onto me in a night club when I was 20 and I probably sounded a bit unhinged telling him he had no chance because he called me ugly 9 years ago.

Fk no, I'd have kicked him in the balls as well for good measure.

Neron · 28/12/2019 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlomBear · 28/12/2019 18:00

Years ago, I was airline cabin crew. I started training for a new airline and was tagged in some Facebook photos. A guy from my old airline who was a mutual friend wrote a comment saying “urgh not her, she’s so miserable!” I untagged myself.

I was flat sharing at the time with several crew but hardly ever saw the other people due to our flying rosters. One night when I was in bed I heard one of ex flatmates (come around for a visit) say about me “oh she’s still here then, is she still quiet and weird?”

Maybe I’m miserable because I have anxiety and most people are dickheads?

I’m shocked at how fat and ugly are used so often as insults!

Atilathehunter · 28/12/2019 18:25

Some of these are very sad.
I was working at a fancy (Relais & Chateau) hotel in France as a 21 year old for the summer and on a night off, one of my colleagues and I decided to drive into the port at Marseille and have some dinner. Sitting in a restaurant In the sun, the guy exclaimed “you have a moustache!” And kept saying it. In a really incredulous way. The thing is, the hair on my face (he wasn’t wrong) is blonde and downy and you’d never notice it unless I was in the sun. But I was mortified. Not long after, having moved to London, I discovered that threading was a thing and have had my whole face threaded ever since.
Someone once asked me why my lower lip sticks out slightly. I must have been 12. To this day I hold my bottom lip in with my teeth.
The irony is that I’m generally considered not an unattractive woman but it’s the negative comments that stick with you. I don’t really care that much as I believe that rudeness is much more of a reflection on that person but still, you don’t forget.

Emmmie · 28/12/2019 19:05

I have a feeling this thread will just keep going and going....😔

🌸🌷💐 for all

Lalalabrador · 28/12/2019 19:11

I was 15 and sitting on a table in science with about 8 other girls and the queen bee said “You really have the ugliest face I’ve ever seen”
My grandmother “we’ve put a bolster in the bed so Lala doesn’t roll over and kill her sister with her bulk.”
My ex: “I just don’t fancy the pants off you.”

bettybattenburg · 28/12/2019 19:11

I have some nasty scars (burns FWIW), when I was a teenager and my parents still bought my clothes I wasn't allowed to wear anything with long sleeves to cover them up - everything had to have short sleeves.

huggybear · 28/12/2019 19:16

When I was about 10 I wore a boob tube one summers day (as was the fashion at the time, for some reason). One of my mum's friends said "don't you need boobs to wear a boob tube!" and it made me very self conscious. If I'm honest it probably wasn't until I was in my 20s that I realised I was perfectly normal.

TheReluctantCountess · 28/12/2019 19:24

The one person that I thought was my friend throughout secondary school turned on my in the sixth form, and, knowing what my insecurities were, said, “you know what, you are fat, ugly, and stupid”. I’ve never really got over that.

TheReluctantCountess · 28/12/2019 19:25

@Lalalabrador Sad

Mikethenight2good · 28/12/2019 19:32

When I was 22, i had zero confidence. Never felt clever, pretty or good at anything. My mates always got the boy I crushed on....
At my grandfather funeral, my gran sister told me "you were really pretty when you were younger" and my mum laughed.

Still hurts.

Kelsoooo · 28/12/2019 19:40

How odd. I was literally talking to my DH earlier about this.

1/. One of my male "friends" commenting in front of everyone that I was the hairiest girl he'd ever seen. I was about 13.

Remember it clear as day, told DH tonight after he joked about lasering my back (I'm doing his tomorrow, and he's doing the back of my legs so he was joking) he was amazed anyone had ever said that. My back is in no way hairy, nor has it ever been. But I was paranoid for years until I dared ask a friend to look. Who also laughed at the hairlessness.

2/. You're always so ill becuase you weren't planned and I nearly aborted you, mother nature knows you're not mean to be here. - mother.

3/. I love you but I don't like you - mother

4/. The taxi home is going to cost a fortune, you're so selfish. - mother after I'd taken an overdose. My stepfather had had a couple of beers so they'd need to taxi home from the hospital.

Sneezein3s · 28/12/2019 19:50

@Foxandthehound your honesty brought tears to my eyes. The children and adults who called you names should be ashamed as should your mother. There is nothing wrong with not being girly - here’s to becoming happy on our own skin Star

Footle · 28/12/2019 19:59

@Offred2, you didn't go to a Waldorf school by any chance did you?

Offred2 · 28/12/2019 21:39

@Footle no I didn’t. Depressing to know there’s more than one teacher out there who did this sort of thing!

paranoidmum2 · 28/12/2019 22:06

A friend and I were once standing in the queue for the bus to school when we were 16 and she turned to me suddenly and said ‘you look really ugly today’. She was so matter of fact about it, didn’t say it in a nasty voice, but it stayed with me. I didn’t say anything. Another girl had told me I was the prettiest girl in school. Random comments like that meant I never knew whether to be confident or not in myself.

Lucyccfc68 · 28/12/2019 22:33

My DF told me when I was about 17 that I would never get anywhere in life without a degree.

It has stuck with me, but spurred me in to prove him wrong.

I wish he was still alive to prove him wrong.

Every now and again I stick 2 fingers up to the ceiling and smile in a 'f££K you' kind of way.

My English teacher once said to me that 'you won't amount to anything other than being a single Mum with kids by different fathers, living in a council house on benefits'.

Another idiot adult that I proved wrong. I was delighted to be able to go back to my old school to tell her I was married with 1 child, living in a lovely house (that I owned) and earned double her salary. Cheeky cow told me that she always knew I would do well!

I'm divorced now, but luckily she's now retired, so she won't know.