Comments that stay with us

[whatacrapusername2306]

DD came home one day last week and said someone at school had called her ‘greasy hair’ She hasn’t btw, I am a hairdresser and wouldn’t allow her hair look a mess. She is still talking about this comment a week later. This has really flagged up some emotion in me from my school years. I remember every single nasty comment that was made to me. It can still bring me to tears when I think about it. Mostly comments on my appearance, size (I was small and thin) trampy clothes, squinty eye, nobody fancys you etc etc. It’s stupid I know, but has anyone else had a comment stay with them into adulthood?

A poster earlier said that their mother told them that they love them but don’t like them.
A friend of mine had the same thing said to them by their mum, why would a mother say such a thing to their child? I’m struggling to understand.

I have had so many of these related to my weight. So many strangers insulting me and calling insults in the street over the years. It has pretty much stopped as I am now older, despite being much fatter. I wish I had understood when I was younger that the comments were sexist and mysogynistic and were more about the inadequacies and insecurities of the person making the insult than anything about me.

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@Bibijayne
@happybutpoor
I was also told this about my when in primary school and refused to sing for years as a result despite wanting to sing. I eventually got the courage to join a non-audition community choir as an adult and I get so much joy out of it. Singing is a skill that anyone can can improve at with practice. I am a much better singer after singing regularly than I was before .

Obviously some people have a natural talent and wonderful tone. Not everyone has that but absolutely anyone can carry a tune and sing in a peasant way with enough practice. I get so much joy from the act of singing in harmony with other people, that it seems such a shame that people are told they can't have that same joy just because they have some idea of not being able to sing.

"I thought I was fat!"

A friend my age - 70s - has a large archive of photos she took over the decades. She says most women say exactly that when they see old photos of themselves.

When starting my first job at 18 'We hoped the new girl would be somebody attractive but you aren't are you?'

My reply 'Oh well, at least I'll fit right in here' and then cried in the toilets.

Nice new jeans. My lovely mother told me "they're nice, your arse doesn't look as massive in them". Bitch.

During a German lesson at school when I was around 13. We were learning the words for talk, short, thin, fat etc.
The teacher pointed at the tallest child in the class who then said the German for ‘I am tall’, then pointed at the shortest child who said the German for ‘I am short’. You can probably see where I’m going with this...

Yes, she pointed at me and I had to say ‘I am fat’ in German, out loud to the whole class.

I was a chubby, but not obese child.

It still pisses me off that any teacher could think that was in any way appropriate.

This is why it pisses me off when people excuse rudeness like this "oh excuse granny whatever shes just outspoken" or "Excuse cousin Esmeralda it's just the way she is" , why does accepting a rude asshole become the norm and people have to put up with comments like this.

My dm comments damaged my psyche severely and I still come out with things that dp looks at me confused and now sighs and says " dont tell me ...your mother ?" (He is incredibly supportive but gets so angry at the crap my parents pulled).

My dm ranged from when I asked her at 14 (teenage girl obviously known for having no insecurities ) am I pretty? She responded well no not pretty , you're ok sort of average. When she pushed me into buying the wedding dress from hell she later told me I was the smart one not the pretty one so why did I need a pretty wedding dress.

Mostly though small little comments that were designed to belittle you over a period of time , I'll give her this my mother is a master at this.

I go between Nc and limited contact.

At 40 I now know these comments are about the sad pathetic little frame of mind they are in and nothing to do with me. I know I'm attractive , smart and capable. However it took me years and years of pain to get my family out of my head.

I posted some holiday photos on Facebook in my teen years and a girl commented on one saying that my boobs looked pointy and too far apart.

Ten years on I know that I’ve got tuberous breasts and struggle with feeling body confident, especially in swimwear so that comment really sticks.

I was pretty rabidly bullied through school - was told I smelt (I didn’t!) and had a beard (I have very fair body hair which is very visible in certain lighting).

I used to be such a confident child but my confidence gradually eroded away through secondary school as the comments came thick and fast.

These comments are very grim and sad to read.

I was bullied throughout school and to an extent as an adult. I guess I must attract the worst in people. My crime is being quiet, with red hair and ugly. Even my mother laughs at my large nose and lips, you know you’re ugly if your mother laughs at you. 😕

At school, I was made to feel I was sub-human, not female. Back then teachers didn’t have to seem to care as much. I was a know it all as well as ugly so I guess not an appealing child. I was sexually assaulted several times at school but the one time I said anything it was dismissed as the boy had issues. ☹️.

At work, because I am quiet, (my form of defence is to be quiet so am left alone) So team members would think I was odd and freeze me out. It eventually cost me a job but that was a blessing.

But the most hurtful thing was my DH telling me he lost the two most precious things in his life a couple of years after his father passed away following his mother five years before. Selfish of me, but to hear that his parents were the most important things in his life was far worse than anything. Probably very wrong of me but we have children as well. We are clearly not precious.

So I am ugly, mocked by my mother, sub-human and weird. But my kids love me as do my cats.

Oh, where to start?

Never mind all the deliberately hurtful comments, there have been so many ‘are you pregnant’ moments over the years that I’ve lost count (gynecological issues and bloating). At nearly 50, I thought I wouldn’t be getting any more of those, at least, and damn me if my stupid colleague didn’t ask precisely that while I was standing at the photocopier minding my own business.

I overheard my grandma refer to me as “that little bitch” when I was about 7. She’s long dead now but that comment stayed with me.

I always used to get bullied for being fat and spotty. I am now neither, thankfully, after a lot of effort and medical attention, but the comments have indeed stuck with me, and although I get a lot of male attention for the right reasons now, my confidence won't allow me to act on it.

I was chubby as a kid, in fact I still had puppy fat at 25 never been slim slim but certainly not gargantuan.
One boy used to sing “she’s big, she’s round, she bounces on the ground, it’s.....(Insert full name)”
I can literally still see the exact scene play out 30 years later

In senior a group of lads (who I knew well and usually hung out with) walked past me and one shouted out about my “saggy arse” - in fact I remember two occasions of having lads behind me call me out about my saggy bum. I do actually a really long torso and flat bum, it’s the bane of my life but before that point I would have literally never known it wasn’t just a “bum” like everyone else. That moment made me have a massive issue with my body that I still struggle with now.

In my early 20s I had a flat mate who was super slim, one night I told her that her ex boyfriend (who I had zero interest in) had asked me out for a drink - i was telling her for her own benefit - and she immediately turned around and said “well we know he doesn’t really fancy you bc he called you a fat bitch before”
Like what friend repeats something like that

I’ve had loads of body / weight related things.
I’m not fat, have never been above a size 14.

Luckily I’ve somehow I’ve avoided these arseholes in later life

I like this quote from Matt Haig:

"Never be cool. Never try and be cool. Never worry what the cool people think. Head for the warm people. Life is warmth. You'll be cool when you're dead."

Some older boys on my school bus "her face looks like it's been run over" and grunting/growling every time I spoke. That has always, always stuck with me. I still hear him saying it as clearly as if it was a minute ago.

Teachers at school telling me my hair looked stupid and, on an own clothes day, that my nail varnish was horrible.

Being called fat and ugly more times than I can even remember.
Ditto hairy legs/arms

That I looked blind when I took my glasses off

My mum laughing at me on Christmas day, aged 9, when I started my periods and was shouting for her feeling completely terrified.

Also when I went swimming with a holiday club same age (I had breasts and pubic hair by then) and my swim suit went see through. The whole pool saw everything and one of the club leaders explained in front of all my friends why. I went home and cried and told my mum and she laughed then too.

My mum calling me a slut and telling me I looked like a tramp.

My dad telling me every time I had an opinion on anything that I was wrong. He wouldn't stop berating me until I just switched off and sat in silence.

The worst thing about it all is that I became so angry from it all and struggled so much to deal with it that by the time I was about 13 I became a bully myself. I have never forgotten any of the things people have said to me but I've never forgiven myself for passing it on to someone else.

In school a guy that fancied me but I never gave a chance to left me a voicemail one night.
“You’re not even that good looking, no one likes you”
I - never - forgot.

I see him once every 2/3 years he tries to say hi, I still can’t look at him.

He did apologise but it hurt.

My mother still always tells me I have no friends.
I do.

I was bullied at school for my hair. Everyday I was bullied about my name and called a slang and a hag.

My father called me a lesbian many times because of the clothes I wore. I always feel I look masculine.

My ex husband called me fat, ugly, stupid and lazy on a daily basis.

He would also comment on my frizzy hair and red face, small boobs and big belly. He also said I wasn't very feminine.

I lost 4 stone after I left him.
I'm now a size 6/8 and 5 ft 7. Not a humble brag, but a realisation he made me so unwell with his abuse that i now have eating disorders.

Too many to count.

They basically boiled down to me being

Fat (underweight)
Greedy (hungry, see above)
Stupid (definitely not)
Clumsy (fell into her fists repeatedly)
Ugly (not according to anybody else)
Spoiled (HA HA HA HA HA.)
A thief (largely of food, see above)
A faddy eater (possibly, I liked vegetables and fruit more than cheap junk and never liked sweet stuff)
A boy in a girl's body. (How much damage could that have done if I were a child now?).
Stupid and weird/not normal (hardly stupid, and normal is vastly overrated in my opinion).
Not a Natural Born Mother (might have had a point, abused children don't tend to be well equipped for parenting). But I'm bloody brilliant with animals.
Look like a Gypsy/Irish Tinker (shouldn't have fucked a married bloke from Fife with red hair and freckles and promptly dumped him after my birth then, should you?)
I was obviously swapped at birth in the hospital for a gypsy child whilst in the incubator. (How I wished that one had been true and my Real Family came back to take me away. Being so good with animals apparently added to this story. And my being freckled, red haired and taller than anybody else.)
Would have been aborted had she known earlier that she was pregnant and it had been available at the time without having to travel 60 miles (would have probably been the best option to have taken, in all honesty)
Couldn't/shouldn't sing because I sounded like a bloke (it's called being a Dramatic Soprano with a hugely extended lower range, by the way).
Was useless at things that mattered (sport - needing glasses contributed towards that) and it wasn't natural to be good at music, dancing or art/craft anymore than it was normal to be good with animals.

Other than those lovely snippets, the overall 'We don't do emotions', 'We don't cry', 'We don't hug or kiss', 'We don't do LOVE, that's stupid, nobody loves anyone, they might think a lot of them, but not love' meant that, on going to a funeral, after the initial 'Nobody wants to see your ugly cat face pushed up around us for attention', DP admitted that he was shocked at just how cold, cruel and unfeeling they all were and that he finally understood.

From my mother:

That I should have got cancer instead of my cousin, as she was married with children and at that time I was neither therefore my life was not as important

“I don’t know why you are worrying about what to buy X for Christmas. No one ever bothers about what they buy you”

“You were a nicer person when you were fat”

Countless critical comments about my weight as a teenager. I was a size 12-14 but in the 80s that was considered huge for a young teenager. Strangely, although my parents were so nasty to me constantly about my weight I was never bullied at school.

“You with the huge tits” - regularly said to me about my cup size C breasts as a teenager and in my early 20’s. DM has cup A and she always commented about my chest size, and to this day I am self-conscious about my chest size.

As a young child she would go on and on about my ears which stuck out a bit. So much so that she pressured me into plastic surgery aged 15. Again, no one in my life has ever commented on my ears, even at school where kids can be cruel, but the surgeon agreed to operate and to me they look no different

These are just a few examples of a ‘D’M who should have been my champion not my constant critic. Her giving a humiliating speech at my wedding was the last straw and I haven’t seen her in several years.

This thread makes sobering and sad reading for so many people.

From roughly the age of 10-13: numerous comments about my moustache (I am very dark haired) and body odour (wasn't really taught about personal hygiene/bought deodorant/had clothes washed regularly as child.) I remember every single one, some were horrendous. All were made by the 'cool' boys at school. "Ugh it would be like snogging a caterpillar." "Urgh it's the bo queen." "Hey moustachio". "You fucking stink" etc etc.

I now wax/pluck my face regularly but hate people being physically close to me as I'm afraid they will see how hairy I am. And I probably wash myself and my clothes lots more than necessary. I'm also quite relentless with my pre teen daughter and her hygiene as I so don't want her to go through that.

From my mother while I was pregnant with my eldest - "You're not very maternal." And as she picked up my screaming newborn who had literally just woken up - "You just need a mother's touch." Made me feel like I was bound to be a terrible parent if even my own mother thought I didn't have the "touch". The last one always comes back to me.

Also from my mother after I'd been single for 5+ years - "I can't see you having any more children." Sounds silly but it just made me feel again like she didn't think I was a very good parent. Or deserving of more children.

From a woman I don't remember ever meeting to my now partner, about me - "I remember seeing your partner with her eldest daughter. She made me want to have a family of my own as she is such a good mum." Made my day hearing that.

I remember my Mum deciding to tell me that I was the 'been there, done that' baby, a mistake that she tried very hard to abort. I was 8 or 9. I was breaking inside, but didn't show it, I instead told her that it was old news, our neighbour, her friend, had taken it upon herself to tell her daughter, who had told me, when I was 7.

I remember her telling me that my sister had said that the one thing she knew I'd never be better than her at was singing because my voice was so awful.

I overheard a friend's granny saying "Oh is that LookTo? She's not turned out too bad considering she was a most unattractive child."

The fact that I've turned out to be "Not too bad" pales in comparison to my apparently ugly childhood.

I was bullied from the second I started school at 4 so I could fill up this thread with all the things that happened.

My immediate and wider family also were emotionally abusive. Needless to say I’ve spent years dealing with various MH issues, eating disorders but I’m the most successful and stable person in my family and the rest of them are all dicks.

The things my mum said to me really stick though. She used to call me thunder thighs and said I had legs like a billiard table when I was a child. She told me I was too selfish to be a parent when I was pregnant. When I was feeling low about my body after just having my child and she asked me what the problem was, I said to my mum I’ve got so much baby weight to lose and she said “I know, I’ve got eyes haven’t I”.

When I got my A level results (a B and a C) my mother said 'what, no As?'