To think DH's wages are not his but ours?

[SoCockneyItHurts]

Just that really....big argument yesterday as today is pay day and was told by him that there will be limited money this month. When I questioned why I was told it's none of my business as its HIS wages that HE works for! When pressed further I got accused of being a bully! No joint bank account but I do have access to the bank card. He hasn't spoken to me since. Who's right here?

Imo you are.
But what's he been spending on?

It’s hard to say. Do you have your own income?

Depends, do you share finances? Are you a SAHM who relies on his wages for food etc?

It depends. If you have small children and have an agreement that you stay at home with them then you are right.
He sounds like a shit anyway - that's your real problem.

IMO you are right. Couples do organise finances in different ways, which is fine, but at least you need to be able to have an open discussion about it without him shutting you out and sulking about it. Big red flag for me, OP.

You are right and if my husband spoke to me like this, he wouldn't be my husband for much longer. So rude and completely unnecessary!

In a marriage/partnership, you are supposed to be a team - the actions of each member affects the life of the other. You have a right to know there is sufficient money coming in to pay bills.

I understand that some couples have separate finances but even so, this is a totally unacceptable way to speak to the person you are supposed to love. I hope you are not a sahm because he is telling you very clearly that he considers you to be less than him.

Think this depends on the context. Are you a SAHP? Are there children involved? Will there be enough to pay the bills or are you being asked to pick up the shortfall?
Generally I think that if you're both working then as long as the bills are met and you're not a SAHP being deprived it's no big deal but I wouldn't like that kind of secrecy, I'd expect that if I asked my partner he'd explain and we'd all move on...are there other issues at play here?

Broadly speaking, if you're married, I'd say that you're right. Even in couples where finances are separate (which makes no sense to me) if a reduced amount will impact both of you, then the person not earning/earning less/being impacted has every right to know what's going o.

Unfortunately, even more than physical and emotional abuse, the thing MN has opened my eyes to the most is financial abuse. I am shocked at how much it happens. And since I have had my eyes opened, I see it in real life all the time too.

I think you are BU. He's right it is his money, if you have children then its common to share money but if you have separate accounts and he has paid the bills that need paying then he is correct in saying it's not actually anything you need to worry about.

All depends. Are you a SAHP raising children from the union and dependent on him for finances? If so, he is being unreasonable and should explain why he's restricting cash.

If you're not a SAHP, is there a reason why you are not working and contributing to the family finances?

Your home arrangements are your business I.e. working/not working. In my opinion if you are married there is no mine and yours anymore, it's all joint. I went into marriage with this opinion. I am now a sahm, with a four week old. Husband significantly out earns me even when I am working. Equally, I own a property, have good savings and brought an expensive car into the marriage. All of this is joint now. Others will disagree, however, I honestly don't see the point in marriage if you aren't going to share. Why not just be bf/gf and enjoy a relationship without the ramifications?

OP might well be working too - she still has a right to know if there is a financial shortfall which will affect her too.

The issue is him telling you that there will be limited money, but not telling you why.

Not only because that's a dishonest and patronising way to behave towards a partner, but also because the 'why?' is crucial.

The only situation this would be appropriate would be if he was referring to his own disposable income that it his to spend as he wishes - in the same way you would have yours.

However, since he's said money will be short this month it implies that this is going to impact you, in which case in a relationship this it out of order.

Depends how you arrange your finances. I think most couples have an explicit or implicit amount they each contribute each month to keep the lights on and the roof over your head, but other spending is a bit more discretionary, e.g. on going out, clothes etc.

But I'd be worried that you're not communicating about finances very well, which can lead to big problems, and that he seems to think it's ok to keep secrets from you. Whatever it is that's taking up this month's pay check is evidently not up for discussion. Maybe he's got debts or something?

DH sometimes splashes out on new tech or a laptop or something, it means less money for shared things that month but we have an understanding about what a reasonable level of splashing out is!

..and yes to financial abuse being rife.

I was always the main breadwinner so didn't even consider that ex could be abusive in this way. Turns out (in getting my head around everything in the post-divorce aftermath) he was and that in fact I am very good in managing money.

Be careful OP.

I don’t get why he can’t tell you why.

Can you work and earn your own money? It doesn’t sound like things are very fair now.

You need to provide more info, do you work, if not why not, what is the agreement on money, but at a base level, no I don't agree his salary is automatically yours.

The reduced amount and the reason for it affects the family finances so it absolutely is your business.

I’d worry there’s something going on if he’s got so angry, secretive and defensive of it. Does he usually take complete control of the finances? You need to sit him down and tell him you will be discussing it as you are equal partners in the marriage.

This would apply even in a marriage where the couple kept largely separate finances, it would still affect you.

I have just started a part time job...only 12 hours a week as also have young children at home. We share the childcare between us. It's the secrecy I don't like....turned out he'd been getting gas/electric/oyster fares and the odd beer on tick from the shop up the road!! I had no idea and he didn't tell me....I just assumed he'd made provision for all of that stuff out of last month's wages. So now he owes it all back

Why not just be bf/gf and enjoy a relationship without the ramifications?

Because some folks get married for reasons other than let's share salaries.

Yes, it's a matter of needing to know why if it affects you. Also, does this mean that you/the kids might be skipping meals, or the rent/mortgage might not be paid this month?

In our house all our money except for our 'play money' ($30 PW) that we get each to spend on what we want is 'our' money, always has been even when we were both working, now as a SAHM having that transparency is more important.

I think it's odd that any DH or DW would say that to their partner to be honest and it would be flashing alarm bells for me unless you always have separate money, of course the finances in your house are your business.

If you are a SAHM and he wants to behave this way then he needs to give you a wage for the things you do that you would otherwise need to pay someone to do if you worked.

He's right it is his money, if you have children then its common to share money but if you have separate accounts and he has paid the bills that need paying then he is correct in saying it's not actually anything you need to worry about.

Heads I think that is an astounding attitude.

In my opinion if you are married (or in fact in any long term relationship) you should be able to have open, honest discussions about both money and sex.

And no secrets about either. What is the point otherwise?

Needs context, OP.