To think DH's wages are not his but ours?

[SoCockneyItHurts]

Just that really....big argument yesterday as today is pay day and was told by him that there will be limited money this month. When I questioned why I was told it's none of my business as its HIS wages that HE works for! When pressed further I got accused of being a bully! No joint bank account but I do have access to the bank card. He hasn't spoken to me since. Who's right here?

Headsdown.....it's not easy to just leave. I've already done it twice before and it was horrendous!

The money has gone to William .............Hill.

I am never of the LTB mindset as marriage can be difficult and worth working at, but I would be demanding control of the finances NOW and if they are not forthcoming push for absolute.

Oh dear OP he’s gambling. You know he is. He’s broken his promise.

He's gambling again OP.
He needs to understand that if he doesn't give you control of the finances, as promised when you got back together, then you are off.
Don't argue about it.
If he stats then start packing.
What is the living situation?
Rent? Mortgage? In who's name?
I think you should have insisted on taking over finances before properly getting back together again.
He's hiding something.

A drip feed is giving important information later in the thread which is relevant.

It's pretty important in this instance because your OP made it sounds like it was just an issue with his attitude to money. When actually the issue is he has a gambling problem, you nearly divorced and you are meant to have control over the finances.

When you at married there is no such thing as his money or her money. It all all “our” money.

YANBU, I think he's gambling again unfortunately

it's not easy to just leave. I've already done it twice before and it was horrendous

Ask yourself honestly more horrendous than living with someone who has no respect for you? He doesn't see you as an equal and he wont care if he gambles away your assets. Being separated has got to be better than living in such a crap marriage.

Hat happened the previous times you left: you mention they were horrendous.

Even without this info if you wish to share it this is firm LTB - he’s taking you for a mug. I doubt he ever stoped gambling.

He’s gambling.
Get out op.
Third time lucky.

Has something happened at work that has caused his wages to be docked, is he embarrassed to tell you so it's coming out in the aggressive stress?

Drip feed is holding back really important information that affects the advice we give.

If he promised financial transparency and for you to control the money, as a condition of you staying with him, then he has broken the terms of your agreement. The most likely explanation is that he is gambling again and lying to cover it up. Imo you need to stick to your previously agreed boundaries and leave the bastard since he has started messing you about again. Being tough and protecting yourself and not giving him any leeway, is the only way to deal with a gambling addict.

Start charging him for housework. Itemise bills with every bit of housework, shopping, cleaning, laundry etc, charge him for it. (Charge him for sex if you’re feeling truly bitter) tell him if it’s his money he can pay for everything you do.
If you have children, charge for childcare too. School runs, up in the night etc.

He is totally unreasonable.

I earn less than £200pm, (I work one day a week)my dh earns around £75k. Everything in our home is ours, finances included. He’d never say something was ‘his’ unless it was something like his own clothes, everything is ours. Your dh is being vvvvu.

Why not just be bf/gf and enjoy a relationship without the ramifications?

Why don't you just be bf/gf with your DH and just share all your assets? You don't need to be married to share money.
Maybe it's because you are married for reasons other than just money. Not that hard to understand.

Sounds like gambling to me too.
What was so horrendous about leaving a bloke who would gamble away the food over your children’s heads and the food on the table.
You need to have a frank discussion today.

It is perfectly plausible for a married couple to arrange their finances such that one person's finances are none of the other's business. When one is financially dependent on the other, though, I consider that pretty unwise.

Yanbu as he is going back on what you'd agreed.
In general I think it depends on what arrangements you've made as a family. If you have both decided between you for you to work part time or stay at home more to pick up the slack with childcare then you are all a team and money should be shared. It's different if both work full time and no kids, or one just drops hours because they fancy it (no health or stress issues) - then I think after bills, left over money can be more separate.

His reaction is very worrying, the family finances and getting into debt when you don't earn enough to bail you out, is absolutely your business. I thought in this day and age it would be surprising if shops gave credit, you could always ask (unrelated to your husband) and see what they say

In light of his historic gambling issues, it's very selfish of him not to want to be completely transparent with money as it will clearly be very stressful for you to spend all your time wondering what's going on. Wanting to know your family finances and make sure history isn't repeating itself (again) is normal and sensible - not at all controlling

My dh is an ex gambler who got us up shit creek. If he ever spoke to me like that or couldnt account for cash we would be done.

You’re what is known as a soft touch, don’t blame him for abusing you, you’ve taught him that it’s in your nature to let him get away with shit.

What the fuck did I just read?

It’s not your fault that your husband is abusive OP. It’s entirely his.

My DW and consider all income ‘shred’ money - luckily for me as she earns 4x more but I have a less role part-time and do the child care stuff. So, a partnership.

Shred money? That made me laugh. You must be really rich if you can afford to do that.

Sorry OP - he sounds like a complete arse.

Yanbu I have this but he’s DP not DH - he sees his wages as HIS and I am not given access to his bank account. He tells me to curb spending often. Despite being a sahm by mutual agreement with sen young child. And him being a high earner.

It sounds as if your DH is being defensive rather than controlling though?

I can’t work full time without hugely compromising my child’s welfare, however I’d recommend you bringing up this option. It’s the only way to get through. Even if you don’t end up doing it, he needs to see that controlling and restricting money just because you do childcare is very unequal and not working as a team.

I’m not saying abuse is ok, I’m saying don’t moan about it then do fuck all about it. I hope I’ve cleared up my poorly chosen words.

Hopefully you don’t work with abuse victims with that kind of an attitude.