To think DH's wages are not his but ours?

[SoCockneyItHurts]

Just that really....big argument yesterday as today is pay day and was told by him that there will be limited money this month. When I questioned why I was told it's none of my business as its HIS wages that HE works for! When pressed further I got accused of being a bully! No joint bank account but I do have access to the bank card. He hasn't spoken to me since. Who's right here?

turned out he'd been getting gas/electric/oyster fares and the odd beer on tick from the shop up the road!!

So most of it has been spent on stuff for the home or travel and a bit on treats that doesn't sound too terrible.

Are you absolutely 100% sure about the “tick” bill? As in, have you had confirmation from the shop yourself? I don’t believe in this day and age a shop would extend such a thing.

Have you pushed him and this is what he’s said, as in “this is what the bill is so that’s that.” I’d dig a bit deeper OP and go to ask at the shop yourself, don’t tell him you’ll be doing that though.

The reasons to get married are to share a life. If you are going to tell your partner that your reduced finances are none of their business, it kind of negates the whole 'sharing a life' thing!

Yeah I do get that...it's the fact he said it was none of my business. I guess there's trust issues too, he used to have a gambling problem and got into some serious debt. We split up to the point if decree nisi then got back together. I'll never know if he's telling me the truth or not

Don't want to derail thread, but surprised that shops still give on tick. Haven't heard that for over 40 years. Particularly surprised a newsagent will pay a 3rd party supplier (gas/electric) on your behalf and wait for the money on trust. Do they charge massive interest??

I’m also a bit suspicious about his explanation

Op sounds like he got stressed out when he realised how much he owes out. I'm a Sahp with babies and partner works full time. Once he got stressed when we owed rent and and a hundred other things and when I talked to him about what we needed at the shops he said stop spending all my money. But he said it in the heat of the moment and doesn't actually think that! Can you make a budget/plan with the money you have untill next pay day. Go through it with him and it should help.

In my opinion if you are married (or in fact in any long term relationship) you should be able to have open, honest discussions about both money and sex

I don't disagree but what would the Op have gained in knowing what it was spent on. Ok he could have said I've spent it on x y and z instead of just saying there wouldn't be as much coming in this month but both conversations lead to the same end result of their not being lots left over. Its good to be honest but having some money kept aside isn't a terrible thing, what if he had used it for something for the Op e.g. a weekend away or an engagement ring? Secrets are not always a red flag.

I just don't know and don't want to ask in the shop as it's so embarrassing!! I understand January can be tough etc but this is like living in the old days!

It sounds like you just don't trust him and you have reason not to. I wouldn't either.

Is he possibly buying you an expensive surprise gift?

He is still BU, though. You are bound to worry after what he said. There should be financial transparency in relationships.

After the update I’d bet my monopoly hat on the fact he’s likely to be gambling again.

Do you have real life support OP? I can’t see this going well at all, you’ll never be able to trust him. After a gambling addiction recovery there can be nothing but 100% full disclosure about finances.

We have family money and we always have, even before we were married and had dc. As soon as we moved in together it was one pot. I earn rather more than dh now but would find the idea that the money is more mine than his really weird!

Legally he has the right to privacy and separate finances. For example, the bank would not give you details of a bank account in his sole name. This right to separate finances within marriage was something women had to fight for.

However, if he cannot talk to you about what has changed at work to mean that there will be less money then I question his commitment to sharing a life with you.

Everyone gets to decide for themselves what they find acceptable, but I could not live with someone who would not talk to me about something like that.

I guess there's trust issues too, he used to have a gambling problem and got into some serious debt. We split up to the point if decree nisi then got back together. I'll never know if he's telling me the truth or not

That's a momentously HUGE drip feed. If you do not trust him then you need to leave the relationship. It's not fair on either of you!

Sounds like he's gambling again op

There is no way in a million years it would be spent on a secret for me! When we got back together it was agreed I would take control of the finances and budget etc but it never happened and if I mention it now we end up having a huge argument....he says I'm controlling

After the update I’d bet my monopoly hat on the fact he’s likely to be gambling again.

Same here. Sorry OP. Especially with his angry reaction. It’s incredibly unlikely that a shop would give out beer/Oyster cards etc on tick.

Sorry... what does "drip feed" mean?

So he’s already broken his promise about letting you take control of the finances after he pissed away money gambling and gets angry when you bring it up and accused you of being controlling.

I think you need to get out OP. He had his chance to change and he didn’t even try.

We have separate finances, largely because we have very different attitudes to money, but no way would either of us tell the other to mind their own business in this situation. I think the explanation is dubious too, particularly given the back story.

Gas and electric on tick is one thing but I'd be pissed off if DH was getting beer when money is so tight we can't afford power.

Sounds like you need to sit down and go through a proper budget together. Meters are expensive, is there any chance of getting onto pay as you go?

Can you pick up some extra hours around his?

And yes, assuming your money is his too its family money

So why do you stay in the relationship? You don't trust him, you say he lies and it sounds like you need to oversee all the finances. You probably resent him much more than you love him and it's clear you are not a team so why the fuck do you stay?

Sorry... what does "drip feed" mean?

It means you didn't give every single piece of information that may be relevant in your first post. Some posters find that irritating. Me, I find it a lot less irritating than a huge great TLDR of a first post!

There's no way a shop "up the road" will be covering those sorts of things, unless the shop is owned by his parents?

Sounds dodge. Sorry.