To think DH's wages are not his but ours?

[SoCockneyItHurts]

Just that really....big argument yesterday as today is pay day and was told by him that there will be limited money this month. When I questioned why I was told it's none of my business as its HIS wages that HE works for! When pressed further I got accused of being a bully! No joint bank account but I do have access to the bank card. He hasn't spoken to me since. Who's right here?

Food and gifts bought on card. The majority of it I bought on credit in my name as Christmas causes problems if I'm buying for my family. He hates them

He'll go mad if I confront him with this
This alone is worrying and your update more so, what on earth has he spent £800 on in a month?! The usual suspects; gambling, drink, drugs, affairs. Which do you think is likely OP? Unless it's a major anniversary or something soon and he might have booked a trip etc, but I think you would've mentioned that.

100% certain it's not been spent on a secret gift or trip away

I tend to think that yes, your money is your money, to an extent. Though obviously if you are only working part-time because that's the only way you can both afford childcare (not because you just don't want to work full-time), then it's a bit less so. I'd be pretty annoyed if my dh demanded money from me because it's 'our' money. But I'd be equally annoyed if he overspent and didn't have enough to cover his contribution to bills and other necessary expenses and was shifty and rude about his spending. You should be able to have an open discussion about it and plan spending without anyone copping an attitude about it. My dh and I share money happily between us (whoever needs it gets it if it's there to be shared), but it's still 'my' money and 'his' money.

Maybe just say to him ' was going through the bills trying to cut stuff and work from there, no confrontation?

What do you mean, he gave you cash to cover direct debits? Do you actually pay your rent in cash?

Sorry, lovely, but i think he has you totally hoodwinked. Are you completely sure the rent is being paid regularly?

I had to pawn my jewellery a couple of weeks back in order to get our DD (22) a gift. We're not exactly youngsters, DH is 54 (I'm 10 years younger). Seems a crazy way to be living at our age!!

I'd missed the post about his gambling. You know that's where the money has gone OP. There are also issues of his behaviour towards you, side from this. Leaving might be horrendous but how much fun is this , he lies to you and is aggressive when challenged, and if he's spending that much in a month from a mutually accessible account he may well have loans, credit etc that you don't know about, too.

We have a joint bank account even though I only work a few hours and dh is a high earner . He never stops me having anything ( I don't take the piss ( and sees it as family money .. he is rather lovely though 😍... I'd be more worried by the buying things on tick to be honest !

Yes rent is up to date, well a couple of weeks behind. I have all direct debits coming from my bank account as when we got back together he opened a new account as he was in crazy debt and didn't want them coming out of his new account. So he gives me the cash and I put it in my bank

He also didn't like your family and you had to pawn your belongings to buy your daughter a gift when he should have a large amount of disposable income left according to the figures you stated. He sounds awful.

And your rent is a few weeks behind. Don't you think you deserve more than this?

Doesn’t seem that problematic. We both put a matching amount into the joint account each month that covers all household costs, the rest is private. If one of us has a tricky month it might be late but there is enough slack to look after each other is one has a tricky month.

Are you pulling your weight in the family finances?

Have you read the thread, Asdf?

Having read more of the thread I suspect in this case your better half is a knob, well worth keeping separate finances or departing.

He's gambling again.

I've been there. Uncovering the debt, the lies, making out you are the one to blame, the promises to stop, those promises being broken....

Get out and stay out OP!

I'm sorry OP but you need to out your foot down. He needs to be honest about money and stick to the agreement about letting you control finances. If he won't do that then you need to leave him. It won't get better and he will drag you down with him.

I've been with a gambler and it was horrible. He lied so much, he stole from me, he broke promises. Rent wasn't paid and I got into huge debts for him. It ruins your life.

You can't share a life with someone when they're like this, it simply won't work.

Ouch it does sound like he's gambled it. And you can't minus off the 400 for the gas electric and oyster because he put that on credit at the shop which is why it's coming out the account this month. So it is 1k gone

Oh I see the mumsnet moderators are busy editing what I call “freedom of speech “

I give up. A thousand nice comments and not one word of appreciation, one comment that isn’t ‘popular’ and a rap n the knuckles.

If I beat a child for being naughty, but never gave a word of encouragement I’d be considered abusive, yet it’s ok for mn moderators to be twats.

Sorry op is being a mug, sorry mn is being an even bigger mug. Shame home truths are banned.

So he's misplaced £800!????
You don't know where it's gone?!?
Come on OP - you know exactly where it's gone.
Stop burying your head in the sand.
You've had to pawn jewellery.
Just so this piece of crap can gamble away your family money.
Please wake up now!

He'll go mad if I confront him with this
Of course he will. He's been rumbled and his lies won't wash anymore.
So what if he goes mad. What does he DO when he goes mad?

And he hates your family. Again typical abusive behaviour.

And YES.... it is a crazy to live at your ages.
But... you are enabling this.
So what are you going to do about it?

Of course he's flippin gambling! It's either that or he's spending it on prostitutes!
Why are you sticking your head in the sand op?
I don't believe it's because it's 'horrendous' to leave - you've done that twice already and got to the decree nisi stage!

You know how to leave him - you just don't want to.
All you're doing is showing your dc that abusive behavior in a relationship is normal and acceptable.

Stop making excuses and get rid of this scumbag.
Surely you feel your dc deserve better?

Sounds like he's gambling agin, sorry.

I can't believe you ever agreed to him having control of his own money if he has a gambling addiction. It's like giving an alcoholic a crate of wine to look after.

It's not 'controlling' t want to know what family money is being spent on. DH and I allow ourselves £300 'personal spends' a month to spend on what we like, which the other is not allowed to question. The rest is allocated on a spreadsheet, and is not for one person to spunk away at their pleasure.

What does he bring to your life?

Oh dear. doesn’t look good at all.

OP - he.is.gambling

You need to face up to this and get yourself back past that decree nisi stage. He has reneged on his promise of letting you handle the finances, he is being secretive and he is being evasive when you ask a simple question.

You've left him before, find the strength to do it again and don't go back this time.

I would suggest that the reason he hates your family is that they have been speaking the uncomfortable truth to you about him, that he's going to keep gambling the family money away, and that you should cut your losses? They sound supportive, OP. You should leave this man and allow your family to help you.

He reminds me of my DSis's ex, he wasn't a gambler but he was feckless with money and ran up so much debt. (He was violent as well.) She found it so hard to face the truth about him, and she used to get so upset when we criticised him, but now that she has a lovely second DH, she can see just how bad her first marriage was.

You can do it, OP.