To think DH's wages are not his but ours?

[SoCockneyItHurts]

Just that really....big argument yesterday as today is pay day and was told by him that there will be limited money this month. When I questioned why I was told it's none of my business as its HIS wages that HE works for! When pressed further I got accused of being a bully! No joint bank account but I do have access to the bank card. He hasn't spoken to me since. Who's right here?

I agree with onecabbage

OP needs to stop enabling this and take back control, and if the only way is by leaving then so be it

He’s lying to you about where the money has gone.

How old are your DC? It would be good for you to be financially independent of him, and make sure any childcare costs don’t just come out of your wage.

You can't get gas/electric on tick. Has to be paid for at the time.

He's lying about something.

It depends on your fmaily set up.

My DH and I have our own bank accounts and wages. We pay half the bills each (50/50 split) and what's left is ours to do with as we wish as we've earned it.

If DD needs something, we go on days out and so on, we just take it in turns paying.

We have a joint account that with both add to for savings and that is joint money, but there is no obligation to put in a set amount every month, it's just as and when you can.

He is clearly lying, and hasn't changed.
Yes, it's hard to leave, but you already know it will be ven harder on you and your child if you stay.

I think he's lying too. You can't get gas and electric on tick.

You can't get gas/electric on tick. Has to be paid for at the time.

You shouldn't be able to get gas or electric on tick but you can, if the shop owner knows and trusts you. Just because something isn't allowed. doesn't mean it doesn't happen

You’re what is known as a soft touch, don’t blame him for abusing you, you’ve taught him that it’s in your nature to let him get away with shit.

Talk about victim blaming!

I don't think the 'drip feed' made as big a difference as some of you are making out. It was always clear that the OP's DH was suspiciously defensive; he told her there would be a shortfall then refused to explain why??

Yes, he's gambling again, OP, sorry!

So where did the money he would have used for it last month go instead?

How far back has this been going on?

He's a gambler. He's stuck you in debt before. The agreement was you'd be in charge of finances if you took him back.

That hasn't happened.

Leave. Just leave. You will forget be living with nothing, as the kids get older it gets more important because they will start asking why they can't go on the school trip or out with their friends etc. And you can't answer because you don't know how much money there is of where it is going.

Leave. And don't be stupid and go back like the other times. End it. Leave.

I did a 'preparation for marriage' course with then DP (as the church 'demanded' it ).

It was fascinating.

The people running it said the issues that derail marriages are:
Each other's families
Money
Friends

So we had to do exercises in evaluating how we saw our own families, how we saw each other's family then compare notes...

And we had to detail our own spending and saving habits, and discuss what we thought our partner's were, and again, compare notes. The leader said similar habits, whether they were good (saving/responsible considered spending etc) or bad (go mad on the CC/no savings ever) were key to marriage survival, with the caveat that the second could cause other family-destroying problems.

Luckily, from the day we bought a house together, all our cash is pooled, everything goes into joint accounts, and all accounts that legally can be are held in joint names.

DH earns 3x my salary; but I keep the home fires burning. Has worked for 21 years so far.

I would feel very uncomfortable with his money/my money; especially as usually he earns more than you, and you're either in a partnership or you're not.

My husband (and I) find the attitude of not sharing money odd. He says as far as he's concerned his wages are family money. Especially when there are kids involved.

I couldn't live like that. Dh gets paid monthly and this pays mortgage and all bills. I get paid weekly and that's what we live on split equally to spend on what we like after food and unexpected outgoings. Anything left over goes into our savings. I work part time due to is having children - he wouldn't punish me for that!

I agree with Onecabbage too.
OP should say what she means and mean what she says. They agreed terms for her staying in the relationship, he's broken those terms and it's not victim blaming to say that if she keeps tolerating this, he will continue to lack respect for her and nothing will change.
There is a child to consider here, a child who deserves security and not to grow up in a house where dad gambles all the money, talks to mum like shit and mum puts up with it.

of course its your business if hes getting defensive then theres something wrong in what hes telling you

is that how u want to live

@miljah I wish I’d done that pre marriage course! What a great idea.

Totally agree with everything you said.

I would feel very uncomfortable with his money/my money; especially as usually he earns more than you, and you're either in a partnership or you're not.

He's gambling again. He will never stop gambling. If it's more horrendous to live with a liar who gambles than be alone you've got as big a problem as he has.

Banana- it was really interesting.

This was in Oz and the Catholic church were big on making people do this (we aren't Catholic but it made no difference, it wasn't at all faith based though we were questioned about our and each other's potential faiths).

Day one was just DP and I, filling in questionnaires in the morning, then discussing our responses, with a counsellor, in the afternoon. One interesting Q was 'how many DC?. I said 2, he said 3... we laughed, she then said 'What if one of you is infertile...? Hadn't thought about that!

Day two, there were about 10 couples in it, and we spent the day doing exercises in groups, discussing stuff, playing 'games'. One exercise had us in a kids mini-skate park where one of us was blindfolded and their partner had to guide them across the obstacles by voice alone. The leader had to stop two couples as the blokes thought it was a laugh to lead their GF's to the edge of drop offs!

In the following discussion, the leader asked some very pointed questions about what that told us about trust, caring and respect..!

As it was two couples pulled out at lunchtime on that day.

I often wonder how many went ahead with the wedding, and how many are still married.

Derail over!

Whether he is gambling or not you don't trust him OP, you both need to talk about that. As people said above he could have just been defensive or it could have been for a nice reason, but you both need to talk it out. Also your reply to leaving him indicates that you'd consider leaving him if it wasn't so hard and that indicates you're not in a good relationship for either of you for the kids. It could work but he need to figure it out together

That's ye not he-sorry

@miljah But it’s so interesting and such a positive example of how many issues are so important in marriage. Yet as the poor OP is finding out (and me... ) - there were fundamental issues about money that are not necessarily fixable now. If only we’d been able to know this before. Her DH has done this before and will do again probably.

OP I’m sorry this doesn’t seem fixable. Or you will always be the ‘fixer’.

I'd be livid if my DH said this to me. You do have a right to know what's going on with finances if you live together and have children together. He should be discussing these things with you openly.

Thanks everyone. Well I've just been through 1 month of bank statement. From 3rd Dec to 3rd Jan £2600 in total was withdrawn at an ATM. After the rent was paid out of that cash it would have left £1876. Even if I allow a very generous £400 out of that for gas, electric and oyster (all paid with cash by DH) that leaves £1476. I seriously can not think for the life of me what the rest of the cash would have gone on (really really can't believe he would have gambled it....completely idiotic of me I know) I guess a couple of hundred of it came to me to cover direct debits. Oh and just remembered car service and MOT was £350. But still £800ish unaccounted for in a month. He'll go mad if I confront him with this

Food? Christmas gifts?

As you have young children and you work part time to facilitate their care you need to have open knowledge of finances. He's getting into debt without telling you that's not on. This is from someone who has a joint account but also a personal account as does DH, so have nothing against some financial independence

His story sounds ridiculous, I cannot believe a local shop has been subbing him by paying third parties on his behalf. I think you need to ask more questions (of him and the shop). I think he might be gambling again, it sounds like the sort of stupid story I used to hear from people I dealt with professionally who were trying to hide that they had been gambling.