To think DH's wages are not his but ours?

[SoCockneyItHurts]

Just that really....big argument yesterday as today is pay day and was told by him that there will be limited money this month. When I questioned why I was told it's none of my business as its HIS wages that HE works for! When pressed further I got accused of being a bully! No joint bank account but I do have access to the bank card. He hasn't spoken to me since. Who's right here?

The money for oyster, gas and electric has to be paid on by the shop within the week, which means the shopkeeper would be giving him a personal loanv in cash if that were the case, which is very unlikely. They might not mind a few beers or a sandwich being repaid later, but unless it's a close friend they'd be simply crazy to lend hundreds of pounds. It's obvious that he's gambling. Even if you didn't have a financial reliance on each other that would be problematic, because it puts him at risk of high debts. Can you sit him down and say "look, let's talk about the money as it seems clear you've slipped up and gambled again, what happened?" - and if you can't day that then why are you with him?

He’s a gambler and it’s significantly impacting financially/emotionally upon you & family
The stress of it,the secrecy and his gambling addiction it’s a huge strain
You need to really think do you want to stay can the marriage survive this
He’s not able to financially manage,he’s in grip of an addiction
Will he go to GA?seek any advice

You’re what is known as a soft touch, don’t blame him for abusing you, you’ve taught him that it’s in your nature to let him get away with shit

Please do not blame the OP for her abusive partner’s behaviour.

If you share a life and have children, money coming in is family money. Your partner needs to recognise this OP. I’m sorry you’re stuck with such an idiot. 💐💐💐

@SoCockneyItHurts

I have never said this before but please LTB

You had to pawn things? Behind on your rent? He gambles? You had to put Christmas gifts to your family on a credit card because he doesn't like them?

I've seen less obvious red flags at a bull fight

How old are these 'young children'? Your eldest is 22?

I agree with cabbage and I've been in a similiar relationship. You need to remove yourself from him if you want an enjoyable life. Whose name is rent in?

In legal terms, he's right. His wages are undoubtedly his, hence the fact that they are paid to him and he pays them into his account. It's a bit of a myth around MN that married couples never own anything on their own, it's always joint - and it is no more than a myth.

However, if the entire family relies on him and his wages, and if it is the case that he is able to go out to work because you're looking after children, other issues kick in around duties to provide adequate support for you and the the family. And, of course, the fact that a reasonable husband who loves and trusts his wife doesn't go all secretive about money or indeed anything else. A husband with a previous gambling problem who has nothing to hide definitely doesn't go all secretive, nor does he go mad when asked about how he has spent money.

Why are you paying rent in cash? /misses the point of the thread

I think you know he's gambling. I think you need to tell him you know that's what he's been doing (don't ask, or accept any bullshit excuses, you know he did it and you know he's lying, end of conversation) and say that either he redirects his wages to your account and receives an allowance or you're leaving him. Otherwise he will beggar you. He won't accept it though, as sadly he loves gambling more than you and your kids. That's the nature of addiction. I'm sorry OP.

He withdraws the cash so there is no trail. Yes he's paid rent etc but the rest is unaccounted for. I think you know the answer, his reaction to the questioning is classic addiction behaviour.

Unless he's the sort that doesn't trust banks but keeps every receipt??

He's gambling again. Plus he treats you like absolute shit. Are you just going to keep rolling over and accepting it?

"was told by him that there will be limited money this month. When I questioned why I was told it's none of my business as its HIS wages that HE works for! When pressed further I got accused of being a bully"

Huge red flag 🚩 . I'd be worrying what the REAL issue is. Gambling? Spending money on another women etc. He's deflecting something.

If not, then he has another problem that he's not being open about- something he resents you for or is annoyed about. Eg thinks you should go back to work (just a random example, I don't know your situation)

Either way a chat is needed to get to the bottom of the problem.

My DH is the higher earner in our relationship and if I asked why money was limited this month, he'd just tell me why. It'd be no big deal.

Just read your updates... deffo alarm bells ringing now!

He's gambling.

Definitely gambling again. That;s why it's all cash withdrawals. He might be using those betting machines with horrendous odds.

Sounds very fishy to me.

If you are working part-time because there are children who need care, then absolutely his wages are shared. Couples in other situations can make their own arrangements, but if you are enabling his employment, that money is being earned by both of you.

That isn’t the actual question though. I don’t believe for one second that your spouse isn’t lying.

@ProfessorCustard Wow. My point is that when you get married you are accepting that your finances will be shared. Of course there are other reasons to get married, however I wouldn't do it unless I was prepared to split everything. If you don't want to, as the OP's husband doesn't seem to want to, then why get married?

You’re married. It’s shared money. “With all my worldly goods, I thee endow”. Ghastly attitude and worrying lack of honesty.

Jesus, he withdrew more than our joint monthly income in cash and 'misplaced' half of it. That's not right.