OH hugs me and tells me he loves me

[PaperHalo]

AIBU to be cross with my OH for hugging me and telling me he loves me in the morning?

We have an 8 week old DD who sleeps more or less through the night and will wake anything between 04.00 and 07.00. I’m still getting up in the night to express ‘the good milk’ as DD has some health issues so we’ve been advised to make sure she gets it even if she won’t wake to feed.

OH goes to work at 05.15 and EVERY morning he comes into the bedroom and gets in bed next to me, cuddles me and talks to me!!! He isn’t satisfied with just a sleepy grunt in return, he keeps going until I answer him properly and engage in whatever pointless little conversation he feels he needs to have at 05.15!! He will often message me later to ask if I’m ok as ‘you seemed a bit off this morning’!! Well yes!! Yes I am!! You are waking me up!! I don’t need to be awake right now! I could be getting some precious sleep!! But you are waking me up!!

I wouldn’t mind but he sleeps in the spare room at night to make sure he isn’t disturbed by me or baby while he gets his precious sleep!!!

Am unreasonable to hate him just a little for doing this???

he sounds really sweet. Inappropriate timing of course. yeah it's sweet. To be told he loves you and hugs you - yeah, it's sweet. But NOT at 5am! When the person you 'love' has been up in the night feeding your baby!

Inappropriate is the entire point of this thread, not the hugs! .

And no, you are not the first to mention it - we've already had someone who thinks that if she doesn't let him disturb her sleep at 5am, then he'll go screwing a colleague.

Some people don't think its abuse until you have bruises.
If you don't understand abuse or coercive control its better you stay away from women who are dealing with it. They don't need to hear it being minimised.

"Everything is getting mislabelled as abusive" - this is hyperbole. Shitty behaviour in relationships should be pointed out, especially if the other party had become inured to it over time.

Limpbizkit - you'd really love it if your partner woke you at 5am, after being up in the night with a baby? Have you any idea of the effects of sleep deprivation? Do you even know that it was used as a TORTURE in the WW2 by the Japanese?

FFS - why should the OP stand for it?

@cider you quoted me perfectly. And that was my exact quote. Lovely sentiment. Inappropriate timing (acknowledged) I don't think screwing colleagues was compatible to my own input actually

It is horrible when you're sleep deprived. Even without that being woken up hours before you need to is awful. I think he's annoyed you're still asleep and wants you to be awake

You need to tell him to stop again. Tell him you're so tired and while it's a lovely sentiment and you appreciate the message it's making you feel so tired at that time

And if he doesn't stop, go into his room every time you're woken by the baby or to pump to have a family cuddle and wake him up.

Keep repeating you love him and aren't going to engage in an argument but it makes you feel too tired and please stop

And it is a very bad sign that he can do what he wants as he shouts and swears when he doesn't get his way. You're right that a relationship without compromise and disagreements is rare, but people can express an opinion and should be able to tell their partner how they feel about something without fear of being shouted and sworn at. It's sad you're going to tell him on Sunday as you don't want the weekend to be ruined. Asking someone to change a habit to stop you feeling awful is such a tiny non emotive thing to do, it shouldn't result in anything other than an 'ok'

I've been on the receiving end of control and mental abuse. Don't even go there

limp it's not simply that we wakes his exhausted, post-partum DP at an inappropriate hour, it's that if the OP asks him, perfectly reasonably to not do this, he will shout, swear and ruin the weekend.

Exactly how is that 'lovely'? 'Lovely' would be creeping out of the house to not wake his exhausted, post-partum DP and then ringing or texting her later in the day to see how she and the baby are and 'I hope I didn't wake you this morning, you'd were spark out! Don't worry, I'll take over this weekend and you can have a good long rest. Oh, and if you look in the fridge I've made you some lunch.'

Now that is lovely.

@cider. No I wouldn't like being woken up at 5am particularly. So I'd tell him.

@limpbizkit - you're astounded? I'm astounded at your post. You really think it's 'sweet' to be woken every day when you're sleep deprived? And do you think it's 'sweet' that OP feels she can't argue with her h because he has a temper and will shout and swear?

Did you miss the post where she said I just think over the years I’ve got into the habit of letting things go, it’s just easier that way. My OH is sh!t at disagreements! He can only ever shout and swear, he has no first or middle setting and I cba with that - life is too short!

Yeah. Sweet.

@river. The shouting and swearing is a worry absolutely. Did the op say he did this when she told him about it?? I must have missed that (apologies if I did) making lunch in fridge etc your describing perfection not reality.

She has avoided telling him clearly because she is afraid of his reaction and the aftermath. She has mentioned it "in passing" but that has had no effect.

@limpbizkit so what part of OP’s husbands behaviour is normal?

Waking her at 5am every single morning to have a mindless conversation, ensuring she’s wide awake by the time he leaves, despite her asking him previously not to?

The husband sleeping separately as he doesn’t want to be disturbed by OP & or baby waking in the night, so he is aware of the effects of broken sleep and is ensuring he doesn’t suffer from this. And knows full well OP is living on broken sleep currently, & that she is exhausted.

The fact that OP sounds worried about her H getting abusive, yes screaming and shouting is abusive especially as it’s preventing OP from addressing a relatively small issue with her H in case he kicks off.

If you have a habit of hollering and frightening anyone in your household into silence when they attempt to put a reasonable request to you, then yes you are abusive.

This scenario is abusive.

Just because the H isn’t knocking ten bells out of OP, doesn’t mean she’s lucky or that this situation is normal.

@limpbizkit

It’s about a lack of respect and empathy. The DH is either severely lacking in empathy or doesn’t care and respect the fact that his wife needs sleep.

That’s rude at the very least.

Explain to him that he does not have your consent to wake you up with a cuddle and ask for attention in the morning, therefore him carrying on actually classes as harrasment.

If he doesn't listen move to baby's bedroom and lock the door. He doesn't get to decide this for you.

By the way he's I do in fact know about sleep deprivation. I had 2 under 2s one of which was a terrible sleeper with little family support and both me and my husband working shifts.

limp yes, the OP did - not in her OP but in a later post. Always worth reading all the OP's posting before giving us your pearls of wisdom.

And when DH went back to work he always made me a sandwich for my lunch. And if I was already up before he left, engaged in the never-ending bfing, he would make me a cup of tea and put a large glass of water in arm's reach. He is by no mean's perfect, but he's a decent, considerate man.

He sounds sweet but incredibly oblivious.
Could you get him back into your bedroom so he appreciates how little sleep you’re actually getting?
I’m sure after a few nights of stirring at all hours he’ll be more inclined to leave to you it.

@believe thankyou for a reply that's not a direct attack on me. I do understand that. I just think the context of the original post has headed into a lot of supposition and ended up being labelled abuse based on assumption that he's done it on purpose in a calculated way. If he was getting up banging and clashing about accidentally on purpose to accidentally on purpose wake her. That'd be passive aggressive and abusive in origin. But to tell her he loves her and cuddles her he's probably just a bit needy. I'm not saying it's OK to wake her. But rather than assume it's abuse wouldn't sensible advice be to tell him how she appreciates his warmth towards her but she's desperate to sleep and would appreciate not being woken in the morning? Some people do need it spelling out and can be oblivious to really obvious stuff

@river bully for you. If my DH is working there's no way I'd expect him to make my lunch before he goes.

I have to say YABU for not telling him straight OP. My DH used to try something similar - he’d wake me to ask if I wanted a coffee “well now I do dipshit because you woke me up and I’m going to be tired now” I told him NEVER to wake me unless the house is burning down. So now he makes the coffee, leaves it beside the bed and if I drink it I drink it if I don’t I don’t. I had to drill it into him that NOTHING matters more than sleep when thee DC are newborns. Just tell him or why would he stop?

@sweet at last some well balanced advice

@Pernickity1 have you not read the OPs posts explaining exactly why she hasn't told him outright? Because he would then shout, swear, sulk for days. So for the sake of keeping the peace she hasn't raised it forcefully. But, yeah, he's a sweet guy.

If my DH is working there's no way I'd expect him to make my lunch before he goes

I don’t expect my DH to do nice, helpful things for me. He chooses to.

limp I never expected him to. He just did it, off his own bat. Took him 5 minutes. Because he knew that his working day might be a breeze in comparison to me dealing with DD at 3 weeks old. I'm sorry your DH didn't and I'm sorry you have no expectations of him being so thoughtful.