OH hugs me and tells me he loves me

[PaperHalo]

AIBU to be cross with my OH for hugging me and telling me he loves me in the morning?

We have an 8 week old DD who sleeps more or less through the night and will wake anything between 04.00 and 07.00. I’m still getting up in the night to express ‘the good milk’ as DD has some health issues so we’ve been advised to make sure she gets it even if she won’t wake to feed.

OH goes to work at 05.15 and EVERY morning he comes into the bedroom and gets in bed next to me, cuddles me and talks to me!!! He isn’t satisfied with just a sleepy grunt in return, he keeps going until I answer him properly and engage in whatever pointless little conversation he feels he needs to have at 05.15!! He will often message me later to ask if I’m ok as ‘you seemed a bit off this morning’!! Well yes!! Yes I am!! You are waking me up!! I don’t need to be awake right now! I could be getting some precious sleep!! But you are waking me up!!

I wouldn’t mind but he sleeps in the spare room at night to make sure he isn’t disturbed by me or baby while he gets his precious sleep!!!

Am unreasonable to hate him just a little for doing this???

dear god no, this wouldn't even be an argument, just a very strongly worded 'stop waking me up'.
You never wake a sleeping baby or new mother.
When I was on maternity leave my DH used to put his clothes in the living room so once he was up he never came back into the bedroom (and he got up in the night with the baby).

I find it quite sad you can't just tell him to be more considerate without fearing a major argument.

I don't understand why asking him not to do it would result in an argument. Wouldn't he just say 'Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise. I'll let you sleep from now on' like a decent human being?

how is he oblivious when the OP has asked him, more than once, not to do this?

Why the fuck are so many women defending him?

you can ask him not to wake you up when you are getting so little sleep
you can run in and jump really hard on the bed waking him up at 1am and then cuddle him, kiss him and say i love you and then walk back out again
you can reach behind you and grab his cock and give it a firm squeeze and tell him if he wakes you up tomorrow hes a dead man

one of those options will do the trick

Bloody hell. This gets labelled abuse.... Jeez. I'm the first to think actually he sounds really sweet. Inappropriate timing of course. Just tell him.

Did you miss the bit where OP can't tell him though because it will cause an argument and he will shout and swear at her. Just for saying, don't wake me up at 5am.

He will kick off and OP doesn't want to argue with him. Therefore, he will keep doing it.

He sounds about as sweet as a lump of shit.

DH is back at work today after paternity leave (we have a 2 week old). He got up with the baby at 5am so I got an extra 1.5 hours sleep before he left for work after id been up feeding the baby most of the night, and made me and our two older DC breakfast before he went. He’s nice like that.

She's told him several times Limp. He has chosen to ignore her. She is scared of causing an argument.

The problem isn't him waking her. It's her fear of telling him to stop because it will all kick off that's the problem. Reading her posts, it's obvious that she's tried to gently address the problem, to no effect, but can't do it directly because if she does he will "ruin the weekend" or cause a major argument. THAT is the bit everyone is concerned about.

Bling well, I'm concerned that he's waking her - firstly, read exactly what he does when he wakes her. Secondly, she's asked him several times not too.

I really hope you haven't got an abusive partner on your hands OP. I hope you can tell him how you feel and he'll listen to you and things will change from there on. I hope he's just being an inconsiderate needy buffoon with zero malice. I genuinely hope your marriage is OK and not abusive as others may have rightly or wrongly speculated on. Good luck

I’m also concerned that he’s waking her. Who wakes up an exhausted new mum at 3 weeks post birth for no real reason?

Yeah, can we please just stop putting up with and excusing/minimising/normalising shitty behaviour from partners? It's bloody constant on here and horrendously depressing.

It's not normal to be scared of asking your partner not to do something that is making your life worse. It's not normal for a partner not to give a shit about your feelings and wellbeing. It's not normal to walk on eggshells around someone lest they kick off.

Or rather it shouldn't be normal, but sometimes I wonder reading threads like this.

This really shouldn't be a big deal at all - you should just be able to calmly explain that he's disturbing much needed sleep and not to do it again. His response should be, "oh, sorry I didn't realise" or similar. If it feels like a big deal to raise this then other posters are right and there is something very wrong in your relationship that needs addressing. We shouldn't be anxious about making a reasonable request and no way should a DP get angry about it.

Not going to comment on the rest but if baby sleeps well, pump at 11 and go to bed! Night time milk has more stuff in it to help with sleep but your milk is good and nutritious regardless of when it is pumped

having just done an advanced search on the OP, it sounds like her baby has had a lot of issues in the early days (jaundice, thrush etc - all 'minor' things but a few of them) which puts her 'D'P even more in the inconsiderate prick bracket.

This would be so worth a bloody argument. But the fact that you immediately think it will create an argument is worrying.

The normal response to your mention it in passing would be "sorry love, I won't do it again"
Giving him the benefit of the doubt in that you didn't make it very clear, the normal response would be "sorry love, I didn't realise, I won't do it again. I didn't think"

It is NOT a normal response to create an argument.

I think you are treading on eggshells rather than picking your battles. This is one hell of an issue that needs stopping and there should be no argument.
I think you are blind to how bad he really is.

He’s being an idiot - but can you talk me through what you mean by the “good milk”? Yes, breast milk changes through the day but in weight terms I don’t think you need to be expressing late at night. I found that first thing in the morning, with the baby on one boob and the pump on the other, was very successful. If course, you wake up looking like you’ve had a bargain basement boob job...

I just think over the years I’ve got into the habit of letting things go, it’s just easier that way. My OH is sh!t at disagreements! He can only ever shout and swear, he has no first or middle setting and I cba with that - life is too short!

Pick your battles is often good advice, but I'm not getting a good impression of your situation. It's ridiculous that he wakes you up at 5:15 AM. I suggest you ask how he would feel if you woke him up at 4 AM to say good night

not just to say good night - actually engage him in conversation.

The OP is doing a good job of minimizing - and in a way, I don't blame her right now, sounds like she's got enough on her plate - though she's storing trouble up for the future, I'm afraid.

But it would be great if those on this thread didn't minimize this shit.

@river - yes, waking is annoying but COULD be thoughtlessness (we need a benefit of the doubt emoticon!). As you point out however, he then refuses to listen when she says please don't. And that's where the huge red flag is coming up.

Allthgoodusernames - quite! I'm not getting a very good impression of OP's situation either. He might think what he's doing is ok, but the fact he's not taking any notice of her request to stop and he's only got 'one setting' translates into a host of other meanings to me, and the walking on eggshells already. She's planning on talking to him Sunday eve so as not to spoil the weekend. He sounds like a bully and I hope I'm wrong but think he'll get worse.

For "thoughtless" read "believes his wants are more important than her needs and her good health", if in fact he considers that she has any needs whatsoever.

DH had a tendency when DS was little to carry on as I was some kind of cardboard cut out of a person, one of the robots off Westworld or something, never get tired never have own needs or wants, just there for his convenience. At best we would say it has to do with feeling displaced by the baby. Whatever it is, it's not on, but, like me, the OP may not have the strength to challenge for a while. DH and I got there in the end.

It's not just the waking, it's the nagging and bullying afterwards - she's not allowed to express displeasure at being woken unnecessarily; if she shows any distress at all she gets texts telling her off for being ungrateful and bitchy and non-compliant. This is what makes it almost certainly abuse rather than ignorance.

Limpbizkit.

I think poster have picked up on the OP being unable to state how she feels much of the time or her partner will shout and swear at her and so she's had to put up with things she doesn't want to so he won't start on her.

This is a problem, and if he doesn't listen to her and just screams and swears, then yes, that does constitute abusive behaviour towards her.