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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH hugs me and tells me he loves me

309 replies

PaperHalo · 25/01/2019 05:55

AIBU to be cross with my OH for hugging me and telling me he loves me in the morning?

We have an 8 week old DD who sleeps more or less through the night and will wake anything between 04.00 and 07.00. I’m still getting up in the night to express ‘the good milk’ as DD has some health issues so we’ve been advised to make sure she gets it even if she won’t wake to feed.

OH goes to work at 05.15 and EVERY morning he comes into the bedroom and gets in bed next to me, cuddles me and talks to me!!! He isn’t satisfied with just a sleepy grunt in return, he keeps going until I answer him properly and engage in whatever pointless little conversation he feels he needs to have at 05.15!! He will often message me later to ask if I’m ok as ‘you seemed a bit off this morning’!! Well yes!! Yes I am!! You are waking me up!! I don’t need to be awake right now! I could be getting some precious sleep!! But you are waking me up!!

I wouldn’t mind but he sleeps in the spare room at night to make sure he isn’t disturbed by me or baby while he gets his precious sleep!!!

Am unreasonable to hate him just a little for doing this???

OP posts:

SushiMonster · 25/01/2019 13:41

“Aw he just wants to be sweet”

No he fucking doesn’t. He’s an aresole who thinks his sleep deprived wife should show him the attention and respect he believes he deserves.

shitholiday2018 · 25/01/2019 13:43

Oh can we pls put the emotional abuse card away for a minute? I hate it when OPs are extrapolated upon to the point of rendering them entirely different to the original position.

It doesn’t sound like emotional abuse to me. Having different argument styles or tempers can be perfectly normal in a perfectly normal relationship. I’m sure my partner side steps some issues because he thinks I’ll react dramatically, but that makes me insecure and emotionally labile, not an emotional abuser. My partner accepts that part of me in the same way I accept that he has absolutely no organisational ability whatsoever. And is a bit thoughtless. Otherwise it’s a partnership made in heaven. So we accept the bits we don’t like too and try to sidestep them or grin and bear it when they rear their heads. Wanting to keep the peace is all part of marriage - if you don’t compromise to come extent in a relationship you are destined to fail.

OP - i hope yo have a straight talk and I hope it goes well. And I hope you both start getting more sleep soon. It does get better with every passing month, I promise.

Juells · 25/01/2019 13:51

I’m sure my partner side steps some issues because he thinks I’ll react dramatically, but that makes me insecure and emotionally labile

Am I the only one who had to look up what 'labile' means?

AssassinatedBeauty · 25/01/2019 13:52

No need to extrapolate, the OPs posts are really clear. It's not a matter of normal but different ways of resolving conflict. The OP is nervous of his reaction to a perfectly reasonable request. She has said he has form for shouting, swearing and sulking. She doesn't want to raise it directly today as she knows the whole weekend will be ruined. That's not normal. It's bizarre to suggest it's acceptable behaviour.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 25/01/2019 13:53

So you’re afraid of him, OP.

explodingkitten · 25/01/2019 13:55

Am I the only one who had to look up what 'labile' means?

I knew the word. Please don't blame gaps in your vocabulary on other posters.

NotANotMan · 25/01/2019 13:58

She's not going to go and wake him up every time she gets up. It won't show him what he's doing and get him to empathise with her and stop it. It will lead to him telling and having a go at her, probably at 3am while she's holding a tiny baby.

The ignorance about abusive relationships is chilling when it comes to people giving advice.

BillywigSting · 25/01/2019 14:06

When he comes in and says "I love you" you reply "no you don't, if you did you would let me sleep like I told you to before. Now go on get out and let me go back to sleep".

This is absolutely worth arguing over.

Sleep deprivation is literally a recognised torture technique!

garethsouthgatesmrs · 25/01/2019 14:10

explodingkitten who exactly was juells blaming?

EmeraldShamrock · 25/01/2019 14:15

It is not good if you can't speak to him without him blowing up. DP would know better than to wake me. I hope you're ok OP.
Have an open and honest talk if he blows up, shut him down ignore him, he won't wake you if you're not speaking to him, he 'll get the message.

limpbizkit · 25/01/2019 15:19

@shitholiday yes to all you said. I didn't bother to comment any further though as I've been torn to shreds for offering a sincere other perspective. The op hasn't updated us. Most posters have extrapolated what they wish to read and that'll be that for this thread

RiverTam · 25/01/2019 15:21

torn to shreds? Grow up.

SoyDora · 25/01/2019 15:22

torn to shreds

limpbizkit · 25/01/2019 15:36

Bullying behaviour from yourselves perhaps? Takes one to know one as the saying goes. Stop directly attacking me for an opposed opinion telling me to 'grow up' etc. That in itself is immature

RiverTam · 25/01/2019 15:39

where exactly did I 'bully' you?

limpbizkit · 25/01/2019 15:42

Are you gaslighting me @river?

RiverTam · 25/01/2019 15:43

no! Where have I bullied you? By saying 'grow up'? Seriously?

Waveysnail · 25/01/2019 15:44

I'm not a morning person. He would get some swear words from me and a pillow chucked at him.

limpbizkit · 25/01/2019 15:45

I'm actually genuinely coy of having an opposing opinion on this thread as my own sincere view is twisted and turned and I'm blatantly accused of being 'wrong'. When the op updates us all all be back. In the meantime I'm not entertaining a slanging match over supposition on the OPs situation

abbsisspartacus · 25/01/2019 15:53

Note on your door love you love my sleep more and wack a doorstop under it if that doesn't work I vote for pissoff

NotANotMan · 25/01/2019 16:32

You ARE wrong though. You're focusing on the waking up as if that's what people claimed was abusive, and it's not.
Waking her up is selfish and cruel. Shouting at her for expressing her feelings and needs IS abusive.

limpbizkit · 25/01/2019 16:42

BUT she HASN'T bought it up with him. We don't know how he has reacted?! An update would be good from OP.

AssassinatedBeauty · 25/01/2019 17:01

Perhaps this time he won't shout and swear, if she asks him the right way of course.

NotANotMan · 25/01/2019 17:43

But she HAS brought up other things with him, which causes him to shout and rage at her. She's avoiding mentioning this because she's afraid of his reaction. Do you think she's making it up?

RoboticSealpup · 25/01/2019 17:59

My OH is a good guy but he is sh!t at disagreements! He can only ever shout and swear, he has no first or middle setting and I cba with that - life is too short!

Shouting and swearing just because someone disagrees with you is not normal or OK. I understand from what you're saying that you think it is, but it really isn't. It's abusive.

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