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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH hugs me and tells me he loves me

309 replies

PaperHalo · 25/01/2019 05:55

AIBU to be cross with my OH for hugging me and telling me he loves me in the morning?

We have an 8 week old DD who sleeps more or less through the night and will wake anything between 04.00 and 07.00. I’m still getting up in the night to express ‘the good milk’ as DD has some health issues so we’ve been advised to make sure she gets it even if she won’t wake to feed.

OH goes to work at 05.15 and EVERY morning he comes into the bedroom and gets in bed next to me, cuddles me and talks to me!!! He isn’t satisfied with just a sleepy grunt in return, he keeps going until I answer him properly and engage in whatever pointless little conversation he feels he needs to have at 05.15!! He will often message me later to ask if I’m ok as ‘you seemed a bit off this morning’!! Well yes!! Yes I am!! You are waking me up!! I don’t need to be awake right now! I could be getting some precious sleep!! But you are waking me up!!

I wouldn’t mind but he sleeps in the spare room at night to make sure he isn’t disturbed by me or baby while he gets his precious sleep!!!

Am unreasonable to hate him just a little for doing this???

OP posts:

EngagedAgain · 25/01/2019 18:02

At its best what he's doing sounds very annoying and inconsiderate. Then the texting about it later. It's obsessive/possessive behaviour. Most decent people wouldn't do it anyway or would stop it when told. Has he recently got like this OP or has he always been a bit like it? He's either doing it on purpose or he's slow on the uptake. What do you think OP? Hope you're ok.

Original poster

PaperHalo · 25/01/2019 18:40

I think when I said I would raise it on Sunday I did a wink emoji, I was being light hearted. The morning hugs won’t be an issue over the weekend as he will be working, I can mention it Sunday night before Monday morning, more chance of him remembering that way! I think my post has painted my OH in a pretty bad light, to be fair to him, he makes me a sandwich in the evening when he makes his own lunch for the next day and he does the last feed 3 nights a week so I can get some extra sleep - he really isn’t a bad guy.
As for the swearing and shouting rather than being able to have an adult discussion, it’s always been that way, right from the early days, honestly the word CUnextTuesday washes over me like as if someone is asking if I would like an extra helping of desert. It’s not an attractive part of him but it’s something I’ve always known about and I could have chosen to end the relationship years ago if it was going to be a deal breaker. There are days when I choose to let things go rather than having him shouting and swearing but there are other times when I feel strongly enough about something that I will go for it too!! But that takes a lot of effort and some things really aren’t worth it...

OP posts:

Drogosnextwife · 25/01/2019 18:45

My dp used to wake me up when he changed jobs and started leaving very early. He also works night shift sometimes and comes in very early in the morning and would do the same.
Took a few times of me saying "fuck off, I'm trying to sleep!" But he eventually got the message. Now he is very good at leaving or coming home quietly. Ironically, if he has been on nightshoft and needs to sleep during the day (usually just weekends) he wants me to take the kids out so he gets peace to sleep

bethy15 · 25/01/2019 18:56

As for the swearing and shouting rather than being able to have an adult discussion, it’s always been that way, right from the early days, honestly the word CUnextTuesday washes over me like as if someone is asking if I would like an extra helping of desert. It’s not an attractive part of him but it’s something I’ve always known about and I could have chosen to end the relationship years ago if it was going to be a deal breaker. There are days when I choose to let things go rather than having him shouting and swearing but there are other times when I feel strongly enough about something that I will go for it too!! But that takes a lot of effort and some things really aren’t worth it...

Honestly, this is not right at all.

I know, I grew up like this, and to me it was normal to hear certain things, but now I know that it's abusive. His behaviour towards you, to call you a cunt so easily and readily and scream when you mention anything IS abusive.

I'm really sorry, but it just is, there's no other way around it. He uses his anger to control you, to weaken you so you don't mention anything you don't like or upsets you as you don't want that reaction, so he can do what he wants.

And this waking you up, that's also part of it. Controlling when you get up, making you more sleep deprived, and then texting as you weren't as happy and as chatty as he wanted at 5am. It's all part of his controlling behaviour towards you.
You've asked him already, he ignores it and continues to wake you up and chat about banal things and then say you weren't quite what he wanted at that time too.

Honestly, he's an abusive man. Do you want your little girl to hear him calling you a cunt? You say it's normal to you, do you want that to be normal for her, and then the partner she ends up with will also treat her like a piece of shit? It's no way for him to treat you, and you must know this deep down.

53rdWay · 25/01/2019 19:00

honestly the word CUnextTuesday washes over me like as if someone is asking if I would like an extra helping of desert

Do you want your DD to grow up hearing it, though?

I said exactly the same sort of things in a relationship I was in once. Oh it’s not a big thing when he rants and sulks, I don’t even care that much, I’ve learned to ignore it, so much easier than kicking up a fuss and if it doesn’t bother me it’s not a problem, right? But it was a problem. And it turned into a bigger problem. Decent men don’t call you a cunt.

Duckswaddle · 25/01/2019 19:05

He wakes you up unnecessarily, gets weird about it, screams and shouts and calls you a cunt if you raise an issue with him? He sounds like a right twat.

pallisers · 25/01/2019 19:05

There are days when I choose to let things go rather than having him shouting and swearing but there are other times when I feel strongly enough about something that I will go for it too!! But that takes a lot of effort and some things really aren’t worth it...

yes. That is exactly why he chooses to shout and roar and call you a cunt. He doesn't do that at work or with friends because he'd be fired/dumped but he knows you have decided to put up with it and it is marvellously effective for making sure he gets his own way.

Up to you OP but you might want to think about what you will be teaching your daughter about how men and women should be in relationships. Chances are pretty high she will end up with a man who shouts and roars and calls her a cunt if she disagrees with him - so she won't.

smartiecake · 25/01/2019 19:10

He calls you that? That is totally wrong and the fact you accept it makes me think that you are accepting of an abusive relationship

MawkishTwaddle · 25/01/2019 19:14

Oh my god, bin the arsehole.

He chooses to ‘show his love’ by disturbing your sleep, but if you ask him to show his love by leaving you to rest, you risk being called a cunt?

Bin. Him.

pictish · 25/01/2019 19:16

What they all said. Ultimately what you put up with is your own choice though I won’t tell you what to do.

ILikePaperHats · 25/01/2019 19:19

Don't talk back, totally ignore him. With a few pretend snores thrown in. He'll soon get the message.

RoboticSealpup · 25/01/2019 19:31

he makes me a sandwich in the evening when he makes his own lunch for the next day and he does the last feed 3 nights a week so I can get some extra sleep

So sometimes he does normal, nice things. Of course he does. This doesn't mean everything is fine. Nobody behaves like an asshole 100% of the time.

I've been in a relationship with an emotionally abusive man when I was in my early twenties. I'm not talking down to you from some ivory tower. The twat I was with often told me he loved me, he sometimes made dinner, he bought me gifts once in a while. None of these things mean he wasn't really abusive. Shouting at you and calling you a cunt is abuse, regardless of whether he sometimes does a nice thing or two. You've set the bar really low, I'm guessing you have self-esteem issues like I did. You don't think you deserve any better than this. Your DD is likely to grow up feeling the same.

RiverTam · 25/01/2019 19:33

But it's not just about you anymore, OP, is it. You've bought a child into the mix. Is she going to have to let it wash over her, too, when she hears her father call her mother a cunt? And what about when he starts swearing and shouting at her, will you stand up for her? Because he will. Imagine her being a tantrumming toddler or a stroppy teenager, can he call her a cunt then too? No biggie?

Jesus, when you thought it couldn't get any worse. Still, I'm sure someone will come on to tell you he's sweet and lovely.

ohwownosnow · 25/01/2019 19:34

I would go ape shit at my DH if he did this. When DS was tiny DH was in spare room and didn't dare enter for fear of waking us. He was quiet as a mouse. Tell him OP to fuck off.

AlexaAmbidextra · 25/01/2019 19:37

He’s done a really effective job on you. You are so passively accepting his abusive behaviour, continually normalising and minimising it. He screams and shouts and calls you a cunt but he’s a good guy really? It won’t stop at this you know. It never does. I know you probably won’t but you need to think seriously as to whether to stay in this relationship.

ohwownosnow · 25/01/2019 19:40

Jesus just read about him shouting and swearing at you. Get rid of him! He's abusing you.

NotANotMan · 25/01/2019 20:19

Your last post doesn't make him sound any less vile

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 25/01/2019 20:27

My OH now leaves ridiculously early in the mornings, as early as just past four I think. If I'm stirring, he kisses me goodbye, otherwise he tiptoes out because he knows how badly I need my rest. It's not difficult. It really isn't. Your OH is being an arsehole. But it sounds like he genuinely believes he is doing the right thing. Write it in a letter to him.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/01/2019 20:38

Oh my goodness op, you poor thing. How on earth has your life reached a point that you think his behaviour is acceptable?
Do you feel like he was out of your league, for some reason? Like you need to allow this because he's better than you?

Please listen to what everyone is saying; he is awful.

beansontoastfortea · 25/01/2019 20:39

Op he may not be all bad but there is NO excuse , not one, for calling you a cunt... even when he's angry.

Me and my partner argue sometimes but he never calls me a cunt or anything else... we argue about our disagreement but we don't resort to name calling. It's really not ok.

You deserve better than that.... I don't know why he's waking you up at 5;15... seems really selfish knowing you are up with the baby a lot...

EdWinchester · 25/01/2019 20:45

I thought he sounds like an inconsiderate arse but then read that he calls you a cunt!?

This is not normal.

He sounds bloody awful. You've set your standards pretty low.

MyFootHurts · 25/01/2019 20:51

Please OP, take on board what the majority of pp are saying here. His behaviour IS abusive, you just can't see it, you are too close to it and it has become your normal.
If it is at all possible (and I appreciate you have a young baby), but if you could get yourself some counseling and work on your self esteem, you would see that you do not deserve to be called a cunt, or to be to scared of his temper/swearing to have a reasonable discussion about not waking you.

Quartz2208 · 25/01/2019 20:55

SO basically he has worn you down so he gets his own way a lot because you dont want the stress

Then his good points are so minor in the scheme of things if that is all you can say about him and his good points

littlecloudling · 25/01/2019 20:56

Well I would love that. Each to their own. Imagine the other extreme

beansontoastfortea · 25/01/2019 21:00

@littlecloudling you would love to be called a cunt if you dare asked your DP not to wake you at 5am despite you being up all night with a young baby?

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