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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
Jaffacakebeast · 24/01/2019 09:21

I think I’d be great tbh, she could just sit In a chair at the side of the room, see that there’s absolutely nothing to stress about, just a normal day.... I think ur dp ex wife’s reaction to smears if everything that’s wrong & I wouldn’t want her or him talking about that response anywhere near my daughter

Drogosnextwife · 24/01/2019 09:21

I can not think of anything worse than going with my mum to a smear test. An explanation from her or the nurse would be plenty.

WildFlower2019 · 24/01/2019 09:23

I don't see the big deal. I'd let her sit by the bed at the head end ideally, I'm sure the nurse will explain what's going on, your DD can see that from your point of view, the test is no big deal and she won't have the worry/anxiety before her first one in several years time. I mean, I wouldn't force her to come but she requested!

howabout · 24/01/2019 09:28

Will you be going to her first smear when she is 25 or will you be respecting her privacy as I think you should be teaching her to respect yours?

butterwithtoast · 24/01/2019 09:29

I think it's a good idea, really surprised by so many of the responses!

It's such a straightforward procedure, she really won't see anything traumatising, and it helps to demystify it for the future. Anything that can make the whole thing normal and routine, rather than something to worry about is surely a good thing.

ShutTheFridgeUp · 24/01/2019 09:31

I would definitely let her go. I'm really surprised at some of the responses. There is no shame in having a smear, it shouldn't be an embarrassing thing to have done. It's important she understands that it's very quick, painless and important. Take her and be proud that you have set her on the right path to being confident about her reproductive health.

WellThisIsShit · 24/01/2019 09:32

Good Lord, some of the ridiculous posts on here!

Some of the accusations and nonsense. Shock And then the disappointed pretense that you said your dd was to be there with the nurse poking the speculum up your privates!

OP I’m glad you trundled off and quietly got on with it, and it was useful for dd.

tipsytrainee46 · 24/01/2019 09:33

I think this is a really great idea, assuming that you are confident that your DD is mature enough to understand that while it's not a nice procedure, it's necessary and not THAT bad. It certainly sounds as though she is.

Growing up with a single dad there's loads of things (smear tests included) that I wish I knew more about. I've spent a large part of my adult life frantically trying to pretend like I know what I'm doing/talking about with things like this.

EveSaidWhat · 24/01/2019 09:35

'There is no shame in having a smear, it shouldn't be an embarrassing thing to have done. It's important she understands that it's very quick, painless and important.'

There is no 'shame' in any medical procedure. A simple explanation suffices, practical demos aren't necessary. I wonder how the op tackles sex ed.

JinglingHellsBells · 24/01/2019 09:35

@aethelgifu
Don't be disingenuous, however amusing it is. People are usually asleep during an operation

Nope not always. There are 1000s operations done now with spinal blocks including complete new hip replacements..

You're a right one to tell someone they are indignant- read your own posting style, first.

IDrinkAndISewThings · 24/01/2019 09:36

I am genuinely shocked by the amount of people appalled by this! It's a medical check up, yes, a relatively invasive one, but her dd doesn't need to be down the business end of proceedings, it's enough that she yes to see that her mum is relaxed and not in pain and that the experience is no big deal. It's about normalising it and taking away the fear. I'd take my daughter if she ever asks to come, god knows both her and my son see me get injected in the bum every three months to prevent further sibling spectators! Grin

ShutTheFridgeUp · 24/01/2019 09:39

A simple explanation suffices, practical demos aren't necessary. I wonder how the op tackles sex ed.

Yes it probably would suffice, but I should think that popping along with her mum and seeing it happen would reassure her that it really isn't anything to worry about. Talking and seeing really are very different- anyone can talk the good talk.
As for the sex Ed comment, that's just bloody ridiculous. Sex is not a medical procedure, and pretty sure OP would settle for a frank and open conversation in this case.

aethelgifu · 24/01/2019 09:40

Will you be going to her first smear when she is 25 or will you be respecting her privacy as I think you should be teaching her to respect yours?

If she asks her mum to go along for support, why wouldn't she? On GPs Behind Closed Doors last night a young woman had her mother with her holding her hand whilst she had a Mirena coil inserted. It was very painful because the young woman had never had a baby, but she obviously wanted her mum there for support and that's exactly what her mum did Hmm. There was another episode in which a 14-year-old had an implant inserted and her mum was there with her. The teenager wanted her there.

When my DD was a child and had multiple GAs I'd be with her whilst they put her out, then leave. The HCPs would ask the parent to come along, it keeps the nervous child calm.

The OP gets to decide about her own privacy and boundaries and wanted to accommodate her DD's request. Don't see the problem then, it's her (the OPs) choice.

Mumofonetwothree · 24/01/2019 09:40

If she wants to then let her.... It'll show her that it's not a big deal,no need for embarrassment and it's not painful (of course if you did find it painful or show pain then it wouldntbe a great idea)

Surely it's better than her spending the next 13 years hearing horror stories from her friends who heard it from someone else that it really hurts and is soooo embarrassing.

Dungeondragon15 · 24/01/2019 09:40

I think it is a very weird thing to do and just as like to put her off smears in the future rather than to encourage her to have them.

I'm in my 50s and have had regular smears since I was 18 (they used to start young!) because I think they are necessary. However, whilst they are not a huge deal, I think that they are fairly undignified and don't really think witnessing one would change that feeling. Also she won't need one until she is 25 and it is possible that they won't even need to do smears by then.

Plabom · 24/01/2019 09:41

That's great it went well OP :)

Dungeondragon15 · 24/01/2019 09:43

Surely it's better than her spending the next 13 years hearing horror stories from her friends who heard it from someone else that it really hurts and is soooo embarrassing.

She might be the one telling her friends the horror stories and that it is "sooo embarassing" for the next 13 years!

aethelgifu · 24/01/2019 09:43

You're a right one to tell someone they are indignant- read your own posting style, first.

You're very funny, such wild juxtapositions! A smear test, folks, yes, it's right up there with a hip replacement! Haahaahaa.

aethelgifu · 24/01/2019 09:45

I had a friend in with me when I had a colpo and a LEETZ. She held my hand and talked to me, distracted me. Might not have gone at all had I had someone telling me nope, just buck up, girl! I was nervous and scared. Thankfully most HCPs are okay with it.

NutElla5x · 24/01/2019 09:46

Yanbu at all. I think it's an excellent idea,and you will be able to demonstrate to her how much of a quick,easy and painless process it is,so she will have no fear when she has to go for her own smear test. NOT allowing her to go when she's asked would be damaging.

Dungeondragon15 · 24/01/2019 09:49

NOT allowing her to go when she's asked would be damaging.

Why? She could just say that she can witness it when she is a bit older. She has about 13 years to "witness" it afterall.

Namestheyareachangin · 24/01/2019 09:50

I find all this stuff about things being 'private' between mother and daughter very odd. She came out of there (presumably), it isn't a sexual taboo - it's her mother's body. And it is absolutely a brilliant idea for mums to take their daughters to gynae related appots (if willing and child is interested) in the same way they shouldn't hide that they are menstruating or be coy about where babies come from and how they are made. Girls NEED to know these things. Knowledge (especially about the workings of your own body) is power. It is never too young to know something which is morally neutral and significant information like what a smear test is and how it works.

People trying to shelter girls from these important facts about their own bodies is what gets them abused and pregnant and diseased.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 24/01/2019 09:56

Will you be going to her first smear when she is 25 or will you be respecting her privacy as I think you should be teaching her to respect yours.

Bizarre comment.

My DH or my Mum come to my smears because I have a mental illness and need the support. They don't stare into my vagina. Not that I'd care if they did - it's just a vagina.

MinecraftHolmes · 24/01/2019 09:58

I can't actually see any benefit in being on the other side of the curtain other than to see it's all done very quickly and mum didn't scream

Surely that’s a huge benefit of having taken her. She’s seen it’s not a big deal. She’s seen how quick it is. She’s not heard any cries of pain. Process = demystified and the daughter is now less likely to listen to ideas of “ooooh no I wouldn’t want anyone messing around my foof, it’s so embarrassing”.

Sparklingbrook · 24/01/2019 10:03

Bit of a storm in a teacup in the end then.

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