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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:

JinglingHellsBells · 24/01/2019 08:43

Oh so after all this fuss, she didn't actually SEE anything.

Either you have been disingenuous from the start, by implying she would be next to the couch, or the nurse put you in your place.

I can't actually see any benefit in being on the other side of the curtain other than to see it's all done very quickly and mum didn't scream.

As for being a nurse- sh'es only 12.
Most kids go through the stage of wanting to be all sorts of things - firemen, astronauts, doctors and nurses, - blah blah.

divadee · 24/01/2019 08:44

Wow there is some pearl clutching on here!

If she asked to go, I would take her. She will be having these procedures herself and its good she is interested to know and it will show her about self care.

My eldest was at the birth of her sister, the business end and everything. She loved it and was very emotional seeing her baby sister born. Go for it I say. If she is mature enough to ask, she is mature enough to go.

EveSaidWhat · 24/01/2019 08:44

How lovely that she's keen to go to things like this. Ime getting tweens and teens to drs appointments, dentists etc isn't easy. However next time maybe keep it to a quick 5 minute explanation?

JinglingHellsBells · 24/01/2019 08:44

Your DP sounds a dickhead.
How can you be with a man who thinks such crap- same as his ex wife?!

TheFairyCaravan · 24/01/2019 08:46

Turns out she is interested in nursing after a career day at school, hence the interest.

I'm so glad DS2 didn't feel the need to attend every appointment I had once he decided to be a nurse. Even now he's qualified he realises some things aren't appropriate.

MarthasGinYard · 24/01/2019 08:47

'She was behind the curtain'

Non issue then

I thought it was about wanting to see the procedure

Roussillon849 · 24/01/2019 08:47

@Toomanychefs
Glad you did what you thought was right, and encouraged a potential career choice for your child along the way.

Waspnest · 24/01/2019 08:48

TBF DD's maths teacher suggested looking on YouTube if DD was struggling with a certain topic, she said it's got some great tutorials on there. (And I generally think of YouTube as being a force for evil rather than a force for good.)

TheFairyCaravan · 24/01/2019 08:52

As for being a nurse- sh'es only 12.
Most kids go through the stage of wanting to be all sorts of things - firemen, astronauts, doctors and nurses, - blah blah.

DS2 wanted to be a nurse since he was 5. He qualified last Summer. Some kids do know what they want to be from a young age.

FamilyOfAliens · 24/01/2019 08:54

I don’t think it’s “only on MN” that people see the value of YouTube as a leaning aid. What a bizarre statement.

aethelgifu · 24/01/2019 08:57

You only catch HPV through infected partners. She has also been vaccinated, so that reduces her risks.

My 13-year-old has declined the vaccine. Not everyone consents to it.

FFS are you serious with your comments?

*There is a HUGE difference between allowing a minor (which the DD is) to spectate, and have an adult there as a chaperone or supportive person.

Sorry but you are way off the mark with that opinion.*

Why, yes, I am serious in my opinion, although from how easily you become indignant and outraged the temptation to wind up someone as touchy of yourself is certainly not without appeal.

I highly doubt the minor would be spectating anymore than a chaperone.

If you are speaking generally a health professional has every right to say who can be in on a procedure. I suppose you think someone just just hang around during an operation 'to give support' or 'observe'?

Don't be disingenuous, however amusing it is. People are usually asleep during an operation.

Take her, OP.

Tinyteatime · 24/01/2019 08:59

I think it’s a great idea. Smears should be made a normal routine part of life not a big ‘thing’. Like they seem to be now. Maybe more women would bother to turn up to them if they knew there was generally nothing to fear.

greenlynx · 24/01/2019 09:05

I’m more impressed by the fact that your DD joined you for early appointment before school, mine wouldn’t.
Great that it went well. I personally prefer discuss things but not to take my DD to the appointments in case of any issues, like a polyp was discovered at my last one. Also you might need to answer questions about your medical history. mine is eventful, especially in gynaecology and dentistry, for separate reasons though.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 24/01/2019 09:06

I think it's great and I'm glad you took her, OP. She's 12, she has a vagina, she's aware of what she will be experiencing one day.

Those who are het up about this must have some serious issues.

GlomOfNit · 24/01/2019 09:07

Blimey. Such a lot of flapping over what, SURELY, we need people and especially young women, to see as a routine, normal and essential bit of body maintenance.

I used to take my DSs as toddlers, they stayed in the buggy beyond the curtain. I once had a nurse who worried a bit that it was 'inappropriate' for him (aged 2) to even be in the room. I asked her why and she couldn't articulate it at all.

If I had a DD and she was curious/supportive then of course I'd take her. Just as I might have a blood test with a child in the room so it wasn't seen as any big deal. She'd be having her own smear tests soon enough anyway, why the hell would you not want to demystify and normalise it?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 24/01/2019 09:08

You said she was interested in your mother's treatment and with the fact that fewer women are getting their smear tests done, I think it's great that she's interested and wants to know. It may help break the embarrassment feeling around it.

SlowOx · 24/01/2019 09:08

Well done OP. Ignore all the uptight mumsnetters. I read your thread title and thought "that's a great idea" (mother of a daughter myself).

Me and my friends were all terrified when we went off to our first smear tests. Hopefully your daughter won't have that now.

theonetowalkinthesun · 24/01/2019 09:10

If she asked to come, and you don't mind, then it makes perfect sense to me, OP! And I don't know why people are saying it works make the nurse flustered- I doubt the nurse would raise an eyebrow.

potatoscone · 24/01/2019 09:12

Obviously, she stayed other side of the curtain

Obviously she may as well been at home.

ReaganSomerset · 24/01/2019 09:14

Ummm... As an adult, I'm very glad that I have no recollection of what my mother's genitals look like. I think it may be a mental image she regrets having when older. Going to stand at the head of the couch maybe, but I wouldn't let her see the undercarriage if I were you.

MsTSwift · 24/01/2019 09:15

It’s abit odd. My 12 year old and her friends would fly to the moon before suggesting this!

SkylightAndChandelier · 24/01/2019 09:16

We always took the kids with us to dentist appointments, so they could see it was no big deal, that there was nothing to be afraid of, and to get them used to the idea. They weren't up in the dentist's face, peering in our mouths (well, unless the dentist invited them to have a look at something), but they were in the room, experiencing the noises and routine and getting used to it.

Personally I don't see that a smear is a lot different there. Having her in the room (albeit the other side of a curtain), hearing what's going on, getting used to the idea and the protocols around standard stuff like this I think is fine.

They're our kids, we taught them about their bodies, showed them how to wash, and wipe their bottoms - why on earth I'd have a problem with them learning about things which are happening to me, and will be happening to them I can't understand.

But then my boys know I have periods, know what they are, they don't hang around while I change tampon/cup, but probably did at some point when they were toddlers - we're a pretty open family.

MarthasGinYard · 24/01/2019 09:16

'Obviously, she stayed other side of the curtain

Obviously she may as well been at home.'

Quite

Mummymumm · 24/01/2019 09:16

My dd3 has been with me to all sorts of things. Having my implant put in to blood tests. I think it's a great idea to expose them to these things so they see that they aren't a big deal. Maybe talk to her about all of it before hand so she's fully prepared for when she goes.

AlexaAmbidextra · 24/01/2019 09:18

I don’t see a problem with this tbh. As someone upthread said, many children are present for a siblings home birth complete with pain and blood. I’m sure a smear test is far less traumatic.

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