To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

[Toomanychefs]

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

I think 12 is too young, is she menstruations herself yet ? She hasn't had sex yet, there are all sorts of things she has no real experience of regarding mens anatomy, her anatomy, I think she needs to mature & seeing the apparatus that is involved in a smear test, it could scare the shit out of her

Women are allowed so little bodily dignity for anything connected to childbirth or reproductive health

I'm not sure what you consider bodily dignity but there's very little way of making childbirth more 'cover-up' friendly. Or having internal ultrasounds without having that probe inserted. Or taking a swab front your cervix without spreading your legs. Why do these things decrease your dignity?!

I've never had a problem with any of these things - I treat them like any medical procedure such as having a blood test.

Dignity is very much linked to your state of mind, too. This is off topic but I've suffered abuse in the worst way and despite that I refuse to lose one shread of my 'bodily' dignity. Dignity is not linked to the state of my undress. Dignity is about self-respect and self-honor.

I think it's a very sorry state of affairs if you suddenly lose your self respect and self honour because you're having a routine medical check that could potentially save your life.

My 2 ds have come with me, they couldn't have cared less and just sat chatting

Cool story, bro.

I think it's pretty clear what's going on here, and I'm not so sure I think it's a good idea.

For a start THE NURSE MAY WELL NOT ALLOW HER TO BE THERE.
I'd be surprised if she did.
One thing having a toddler in a pushchair outside the cubicle...

My opinion is @Toomanychefs that you have over-egged the whole issue of cervical cancer, due to your mum's experience.

I wonder if she really did ask, or if you suggested it- OR if you have gone on and on abut your smear in such detail at such length that she feels she needs to be in on it?

When I had smears my DD didn't even know about the appts.

I think your focus should be on teaching her about early, unsafe sex.
You only catch HPV through infected partners. She has also been vaccinated, so that reduces her risks.

It will be many years before she is eligible for a smear test. I can't see the value in standing at the head end of the bed.

And- if they find something amiss- even a polyp- that needs discussion with you, she'd be sent out the room anyway.

I think it’s great that she asked to come and is interested. I’d have no problem with this. Sounds like she might be a future doctor!

At first I thought no but actually I think that by treating a smear test like an eye test or dental appointment we are showing our daughters that it’s not a big deal and just a routine preventative thing.
If she wants to then I would take her, probably ask her to stay up the head end though

Seeing her mother, legs akimbo, speculum in whilst singing, “Moon river”, is no guarantee it will be the same for her.

Most people who avoid spears avoid it NOT because they’re ignorant of the process but because it’s a very invasive and potentially painful/uncomfortable test. You just never know exactly what it will feel until you have your own.

Sounds like she might be a future doctor!

Ffs

This reads more about you than her

You come across as trying to be extra 'right on' DM

Is your DP your DD dad?

I took my daughter to mine, admittedly she was around 12 months old and just sat in her pram but I didn't worry about taking her. I wouldn't have an issue taking her when she is older if she asked to go. Smear tests are a pretty unpleasant thing but no where near as bad as I imagined them to be before I went for my first ( which I delayed for nearly 2 years as I was so scared to go.) Even if she sat behind the curtain she would get a sense of how quick and painless (usually) they are.

The only reason I can see for a child wanting to attend is

-The parent has made a big deal of it and aroused curiosity rather than treating it like a normal occurrence that we all just get on with.

It's making too much of it, ironically.

Let her wait in the waiting room, and come out 5 minutes later saying breezily 'Right that's over and done with!'

BUT I don't think it will happen anyway - so this is all a waste of time posting!

@Juells why is it a loss of bodily autonomy? The daughter has specifically asked to come and the mother is happy to oblige, then there is no loss.

If the mother wasn't happy with it or the daughter doesn't want to see it, then the daughter coming would be a loss.

How much involvement is she wanting/ anticipating? Are you/she expecting her to be allowed to watch the procedure, or she'll be sat the other side of the curtain whilst you get it done? I don't see a point to her going- you can show her the procedure online. I would find it odd to have a 12 year old watching me carry out a smear, and if the other side of the curtain, not 'involved' at all. I probably wouldn't, I would be explaining it all though she was comfortable with the idea

This reminds me of the dm who was going to give her dd a practical demonstration of inserting a tampon.

It is very easy to explain things including cervical screening in a simple way.

Unusual for a 12yr old to ask to go along really, ime they're usually busy with friends.

It won't traumatise her obviously but it is just totally unnecessary. DC don't need to attend every medical test to be able to understand what happens.

I think it's a great idea. The more normal we all make these things the more people will hopefully go and get checked.

I don't think I'd let DD (12) come along to my smear test because whilst in the last few years they've been ok, in the past I've had a couple that were very uncomfortable verging on painful because the nurse couldn't even find my cervix (and it took about 15 mins with both of us getting a bit panicky). Also the speculum(?) was quite bloody last time which was a bit of a shock. I don't see the point of the OP's DD being there if she is outside the curtain, what is she learning? As a pp said, she won't be having tests until her mid-twenties and by then maybe the NHS won't even be testing women who've had the HPV vaccine.

And I think it's important that all DDs know that women are allowed boundaries and privacy - for me personally I don't like smear tests so having anyone other than the nurse in the room would make me uncomfortable, and I think that should be respected. Heaven forbid we reach a point where women should be expected not to care who's in the room during a smear because it's a 'normal part of life'.

I think you are forgetting that this is not your decision to take...I don’t know many practice nurses who would feel comfortable with this. I am a gynaecologist, and do not have relatives or friends of patients in the room for intimate examinations - totally inappropriate and unnecessary. You are putting the clinician in a difficult position by deciding for them that they are to provide some sort of education/theatre to your dd that day, without their consent.

Wow, so you think it's okay to remove a woman's chosen support system and that her emotional comfort is secondary to yours, when she is the patient? I'd not be happy to receive medical treatment from a HCP who felt he/she dictates to me whom I can have for support at a time when I'm vulnerable. Do you extend the same to birth partners? That's pretty intimate and involves intimate procedures.

Smear test uptake is at an all-time low, yet you have HCPs who'd tell a scared, nervous woman, 'Nope, you can have support with you. I don't like it' and let them go without it because you can't handle it?

Some women have been through trauma and this is precisely why they'll forgo medical treatment they might need.

The answers on here are shocking!

And the nasty one 'Can't you go whlist he's in school?' As if you can just magic up appointments and times. Half the time, my child with ASD refuses to go to school.

I just had to cancel a much-needed appointment because it's after school and right now he cannot cope with being left.

She's probably seen the whole thing on YouTube.

I think as long as she actively wants to go and the HCP is happy with her being there it's actually a great thing. I made it to 20 without actually knowing what a smear test is, I'm 22 now and still a bit terrified of them despite having had a child! I think being with someone else and learning about the experience is a great thing.

It's fine! She's asked to go, it's just a smear test. I don't get why everyone is so weirded out by this.

Agree that the ex wife of over 13 years ago is irrelevant though!

It's not exactly graphic. Take her of she wants to

I love MN. Only here would so many people suggest YouTube as a teaching aid!
She came with me, nurse was great, no problem with her being there. Obviously, she stayed other side of the curtain. Turns out she is interested in nursing after a career day at school, hence the interest.

Wow, so you think it's okay to remove a woman's chosen support system and that her emotional comfort is secondary to yours, when she is the patient? I'd not be happy to receive medical treatment from a HCP who felt he/she dictates to me whom I can have for support at a time when I'm vulnerable. Do you extend the same to birth partners? That's pretty intimate and involves intimate procedures.

This is not about a support system for the mother!

FFS are you serious with your comments?

There is a HUGE difference between allowing a minor (which the DD is) to spectate, and have an adult there as a chaperone or supportive person.

Sorry but you are way off the mark with that opinion.

If you are speaking generally a health professional has every right to say who can be in on a procedure. I suppose you think someone just just hang around during an operation 'to give support' or 'observe'?

The dr has a professional role and part of that is judgement on what is best for everyone.

if everyone's happy why not? Surely its better for he to see that there really is nothing to dread .

Dp is stepdad and I mentioned it purely because his impression of a smear test is that its this horrendous experience designed to torture women which is why he was freaked out when she asked