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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
ReaganSomerset · 25/01/2019 23:55

*Provided you know what they mean.

flowerfairy6004 · 26/01/2019 00:09

Wow - as a midwife I think it’s vitally important that young women understand their bodies and the importance of keeping healthy - to everyone saying she’s a child - the average age of the first sexual intercourse is 14 - so the more a young woman knows the safer she will be. I can assure you that telling a young woman that she’s either pregnant unexpectedly or has caught a sexually transmitted disease because she didn’t understand sexual health properly is far more physiologically damaging. Good on you the OP for showing her daughter the reality of keeping safe. I lived in Sweden for awhile and they are far more open in terms of discussing sex with their children and surprisingly their teenage pregnancy rate is far lower than in Britain. Not talking about things transparently doesn’t protect our children - it actually puts them more at risk. We should discuss feelings too and peer pressure - our children would feel more equipped to deal with sexuality that way

Arkenfield3001 · 26/01/2019 00:27

Well said flowerfairy6004! I wish more people in the UK and USA would share your sensible opinion!

FairyFlake45 · 26/01/2019 00:33

Hear hear flowerfairy

chrismse · 26/01/2019 00:40

No sorry op but thats not right

Bettyspants · 26/01/2019 00:52

Flowerfairy, I completely agree with your response. I've done a fair few smears with partners, friends and children in the room. I always ask the woman if she would prefer more privacy (some rooms don't have curtains) and not had one ask for anyone to leave. A few have come behind the curtain too, it's really not a big deal. A HCP having an issue with this situation has the problem, not you or your daughter.

AlbaChick · 26/01/2019 00:58

Too many women literally dying from embarrassment. Get rid of the mystery and myths, teach our children that our genitals are just another part of our bodies and that it’s normal to talk openly about them. The more comfortable a child is with all of their body parts, the more equipped they will be to keep healthy. I include boys here, they also need to learn to check for lumps etc. Good on all those that teach their children their body parts are not something to be hidden/ignored or feared.

Zofloramummy · 26/01/2019 01:39

Well my DD has been with me when I had a smear. She was 6!! I was behind curtains and did explain a bit (in a child friendly manner) what was going to happen before hand. As a single parent it’s a bit difficult not to have her around. I chatted throughout and she was completely unfazed by the experience!

She also knows about periods as she often decides it’s a great time to chat when I’m in the loo!

I haven’t noticed any lasting psychological damage from my daughter being aware of how the female body works and she is now nearly 8.

I think you should take her op. And I’m slightly Hmm at some of the responses!

Smotheroffive · 26/01/2019 02:19

Right, so I've had mine with me for pets being killed (pts) and all manner of everything, always had 'company in the loo, with the while tampon, pads, mooncup, explanations when they were very young, but there's an age when its clearly more about the DC than the DM. I have asked both my older dd and a younger, both are cringing at the thought of seeing my vulva, despite that being very normal when they were younger. Now I couldnt keep any of them out, male or female, but now, older, cringe.

If at the right age they ask to see, then don't shut them out of the actual procedure! What was the actual point?!

My dds really do not want to see my vulva! I don't want to see my DMS vulva.

As for seeing into ones vagina? No, none else will ever see into my vagina than medical staff!

Smotheroffive · 26/01/2019 02:22

Not *now, but then, when they were younger I couldn't keep any of them out, and I still don't lock the bathroom door, but now, older, they have a sense of embarrassment, a sense of awkwardness.

Sheffmum1 · 26/01/2019 04:13

Take her.. maybe sit her at the head end (LOL)... if she’s old enough to have the HPV vaccine, then she’s old enough to be exposed to smear tests. I’m extremely worried about some of the Victorian attitudes of some of the mums on this post and THANK GOD for the sensible heads of the midwives etc!
OP if you think she’s ready, and you know your own daughter... , then take her! Good for you hun x

Avacadobaby · 26/01/2019 04:41

I didn't have a clue what to expect at my first smear I wish I had known exactly what happens , what the equipment looked like etc my second one I was a lot more relaxed (which made the whole thing much less painful). I dont see the problem it's not a gory surgery. She can stay the top end of the bed or across the room if needs be and just see what the medical interaction entails. Too many women are put off from having smears I think it's great your having open discussions already about women's health issues with her.

StarlightLady · 26/01/2019 05:13

I would like to congratulate Flowerfairey for one of the most positive posts I have seen on the web.

Fabulousdahlink · 26/01/2019 06:36

If she wants to go. Take her. Speak with your practice nurse and make the appointment a little longer so she has time to show your dd the equipment and answer any questions. My preference would be sat next to me talking to me at the head end but thats just me. Sat in the room on other side of curtain if thats what dd wanted.
Your daughter, your parenting decision. I. Salute you for your no nonsense 'this is what women do' approach. Your daughter is lucky to have a parent so open.

Fowles94 · 26/01/2019 06:45

I would take her, we went to all my mum's appointments if we were off school. I don't see the problem.

SallyCinnamon3009 · 26/01/2019 06:55

Can't believe some of the responses on here - actually I can and this is why take up of smear tests is at an all time low.

I have a friend in her 30s who is a cervical cancer survivor all thanks to very early detection on a smear test! I took my 15 month DS to my last one as didn't have anyone to look after him. He sat in his pushchair and the nurse pulled a curtain round the bed. Maybe it's too early to tell but I don't think he's scarred for life and certainly didn't seem distressed!

If she wants to go and your happy for her to be there take her!

FamilyOfAliens · 26/01/2019 07:04

@flowerfairy6004

No-one is saying the OP shouldn’t make sure her daughter understands about sexual health. Not sure where you got that from.

HannahLevy · 26/01/2019 07:10

Hopefully talking to your daughter and telling her that you go for regular smear tests is enough to show her the importance of them and knowing her grandmother had cervical cancer she should definitely be made aware of the importance.

Not sure it’s completely necessary for her to see the ‘ins and outs’ as it were as there is a risk of freaking her out at this stage but you could make an outing of it where she comes along, waits for the 5 mins in the waiting room and then you go for hot chocolate together. That way she can see it’s quick, no big deal and has positive memories associated with it. Good luck!

Sparklingbrook · 26/01/2019 07:14

I am really surprised how many people think it's a fantastic idea. Information regarding smear tests is freely available on the internet and it can all be explained without sitting behind a curtain while your Mother has it done.

I am a private person though. I never had the DC in the toilet with me when they were little. My DSs never saw me change any tampons or pads.

For me some stuff is not for spectators especially medical procedures. But that's just me.

I am also surprised this thread hasn't made it into the DM/daytime TV yet.

Sunnysidegold · 26/01/2019 07:22

I think it's a good idea. Surely you are covered by a blanket and she won't have to see the actual procedure. People have built smear tests up to be this awful painful experience and I think taking the mystery out of it will show your daughter that it is a moment of discomfort. I saw that someone had one done live on tv recently in a bid to encourage people to have their smear done. I think showing the smear tests as a routine medical procedure like a blood test or dental check up would not put any 12 year old off.

Ffs you see stories about people havibg children present for the birth of their siblings.

Sparklingbrook · 26/01/2019 07:24

I think a 12 year old watching the procedure on TV is more educational than sitting behind a curtain while their Mum has it done.

PorkPatrol · 26/01/2019 07:45

I think due to a load of information about her dps ex and her attitude to smears in the op a lot of people assumed she was talking about taking her dsd against the wishes of her parents.
I’ve spoken to my son and dd about smear tests as I had one recently. If they hadn’t have been in school I might have had to take them along but probably would have had them wait in the corridor.
I’m not sure what you would gain from having them in the room that you couldn’t achieve with a conversation?

Juells · 26/01/2019 07:45

Posters seem to be talking about two different things. I don't consider that having a 12-year-old 'sitting outside the curtain' while you have a smear test is 'allowing 12-year-old to attend smear test'. That's like her being in the waiting room.

What it sounded like when the thread started was that the child would be at the nurse's elbow, staring up into the mother's vagina. FFS, it isn't being Victorian to have issues about that.

If someone had shown me a speculum at age twelve, and told me it was inserted and expanded when having a smear, I'd have made sure to avoid having smears from then on Angry

howabout · 26/01/2019 07:45

the average age of the first sexual intercourse is 14

This may have been true in the past but it is not the case now. The average is actually 16 and getting ever later. I only nitpick as MN has a tendency to normalise underage sex. It is one of the risk factors for going on to develop cervical cancer.

HeyArthur · 26/01/2019 07:58

When I had my first smear it would have been really useful if my dm had at least told me what to expect!
I had a tilted uterus which meant the nurse had a huge amount of trouble getting the swab and it was very uncomfortable even though I have a high pain threshold.

I have explained to my 17 year old what happens and she isn't exactly looking forward to hers but she will go because she knows it's important.
I would have taken her to mine but I no longer have a cervix so that ship has sailed.
I think it's a good idea personally.

Love the hand wringing and pearl clutching going on though, wouldn't be mn without it 😂