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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
Fridaynightincreduality · 25/01/2019 22:09

Haven't read every comment on this thread (normally do and find a voice of sanity so have no need to log in and comment). I have two children, daughter 1,2 and I won't pass judgement on any comment but I will ask my daughter if she would like to come (and even be at the 'business end)' on my next smear. Thank you OP as I wouldn't have thought of it!

However if I can arsed, I could start a thread about how difficult mumsnet has made this site to navigate.

nimski · 25/01/2019 22:11

I have 2 daughter's and think it's a fabulous idea.

Jellybubbamama0987 · 25/01/2019 22:18

I don’t see an issue. My 6 year old sees me naked,has showered with me and knows about periods. Once we make women’s bodies and health normal the sooner the better for our daughters. My mother had cancer from me being 11 years old so I grew up knowing a lot about it and because of that I’ve never missed a smear test. It’s our jobs as mothers to protect our daughters and educate them. Being at the head end will show there is nothing to fear. I hope you do it OP

GrainOfSalt · 25/01/2019 22:18

If you find smears stressful/ painful/ traumatic then you may transmit that to your daughter.

If you don't then all your daughter will see from the top end is Mum under a sheet not freaking out and thus normalising a medical procedure she is very likely to undergo in the future.

jenkel · 25/01/2019 22:26

When I first read your post I thought no way, but actually thinking it through I’ve changed my mind, especially if your dd asked to go. As long as you and dd are comfortable with it I can see no reason why not, In fact I think it’s to be applauded that you have such an open relationship with you dd.

Toefluff12 · 25/01/2019 22:29

I think it's bloomin brilliant she wants to go and that you have a relationship where you are both so open about these things.... It's often the fear of the unknown that scares people in to not wanting to go.
More people should do it in my opinion

TurquoiseDress · 25/01/2019 22:29

the LAST thing I'd want to do it mystify the whole thing by making her wait outside

I totally and utterly agree with this comment!

DrCoconut · 25/01/2019 22:33

DS3 age 3 came to mine earlier in the week. He sat in the pushchair next to the bed so he could see me but not what was happening. I had no childcare and the nurse was fine with it. It was at her suggestion that I brought him inside the curtain.

FairyFlake45 · 25/01/2019 22:43

Feel so so sad for the people that describe “medieval torture instruments” ...what is that description going to say to your daughters?
And for the people that said they have no kids.....? Ummmmm? “Mumsnet”?

a1poshpaws · 25/01/2019 22:45

If she asked, and she's talked about the issue already with you, then I can't see how it's a bad idea - no different to helping children appreciate childbirth by being present,and you'll be helping her not be nervous or as foolish as the ex-wife when it comes time for her to have her own smear done.

PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2019 22:50

And for the people that said they have no kids.....? Ummmmm? “Mumsnet”?

Bugger off with this. Did you miss the infertility section? Or the fact that loads of topics don’t relate to children? MNHQ have made it clear on many occasions that everyone is welcome here. Biscuit

FairyFlake45 · 25/01/2019 22:51

Fully grown ‘adults’ calling their vaginas ‘foofs’ Or ‘privates’ YABU 😂

flowergrrl77 · 25/01/2019 22:53
  • @PurpleDaisies

And for the people that said they have no kids.....? Ummmmm? “Mumsnet”?

Bugger off with this. Did you miss the infertility section? Or the fact that loads of topics don’t relate to children? MNHQ have made it clear on many occasions that everyone is welcome here. biscuit
*

I get that not all will have kids, but I do tend to 0o about the ones who declare that they have no desire to ever have kids... THOSE ppl are the ones whose presence here confuses me!

(NB - not that I mind, just Confused! Biscuit)

jwpetal · 25/01/2019 22:55

If you are comfortable with it and she is interested, why not. It does push boundaries for some people, as seen on this site. My sister was there with me as my mum did not want to go. She just supported me. Where I am from, smears start at 16.

PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2019 22:56

I get that not all will have kids, but I do tend to 0o about the ones who declare that they have no desire to ever have kids... THOSE ppl are the ones whose presence here confuses me!

Again, look at the topics list. Do you need to want children to have an opinion on feminism, tv, food and drink, news, health etc...?

NB - not that I mind, just Confused!

How generous of you. Hmm

ReaganSomerset · 25/01/2019 23:06

@FairyFlake45 well, it's much easier to use a euphemism than to try and remember which specific bit you want to talk about. Had she said she wouldn't want to see her mother's vagina, lots of helpful people would have piped up with 'your vagina is on the inside, you mean vulva'. As long as everyone knows what she means from the context I'm sure it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2019 23:07

If she was down the business end, the daughter could have seen both vagina and vulva.

ReaganSomerset · 25/01/2019 23:07

@purpledaisies I get her confusion. I was very confused when I came on here, newly pregnant, and discovered that mumsnet wasn't just for mums. It would never have occurred to me to come on here before that point, though had I known it was an option I would have done. I don't think she means to be offensive.

ReaganSomerset · 25/01/2019 23:09

Exactly. Foof is much shorter and covers all bases.

Arkenfield3001 · 25/01/2019 23:16

If she’s asked to go then I would allow her to go as it will take the fear of going to a future gynaecological appointments herself.

I think it’s a good thing for a 12 year old to learn about routine tests that keep women healthy ...! She’s only a year off becoming a teenager and growing into a young woman.

On the continent it would be no big deal for a young girl accompanying her mother. Xxx

happymum12345 · 25/01/2019 23:25

Go for it. She has asked to go & it’s a great example to show her the smear test is not a big deal.

FairyFlake45 · 25/01/2019 23:27

If you’re talking with your mates or your 2 yr old ‘foof’ is probably funny (for your mates) or adequate (for your toddler). I say ‘noonie’ myself BUT when we are talking about a very mature, sensible 12 yr old girl, who wants to know more about her body and her health, it’s not appropriate to use those words. When they teach at school etc, they always use the correct terms.

Pashal2 · 25/01/2019 23:35

You are brave and proactive. Women are too afraid of their bodies and many transfer their fear to their daughters. Your daughter is 12, she will become a woman much sooner than later. Give her the knowledge of experience. Don't wrap it up in mystery because a lot of women are locked up in Victorian era thinking and have to whisper the word vagina if they aren't still calling it by the same name they used when they were 4 yo. Remember, OP knowledge is power and ignorance is bliss. Make your daughter powerful. Let the lesser minds be content having blissful ( and ignorant) daughters.

FairyFlake45 · 25/01/2019 23:36

pashal2 🙏🏼 the voice of reason

ReaganSomerset · 25/01/2019 23:54

She was talking to mumsnet, not a twelve year old. And people often say vagina when they mean vulva, it seems to cause more confusion that it avoids at times. Personally, I think a lot of fuss is made about the correct name for things. You may wish to refer to belly buttons as navals and the bum as either the anus or buttocks, depending on what you're actually referring to, that's fine. But I don't see the need to mock everyone who doesn't use the medical terminology, provided you know what you mean.

And get off your high horse, pashal. Using the word vagina, or not, has no bearing on the power of the mind doing so.