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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
busyhonestchildcarer · 25/01/2019 20:27

My first thought was no but why not.I personally wouldnt want my daughter at that end as im a bit private about that but each to his or her own.As long as its just something thats explained properly not a problem

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 20:28

I wouldn’t want to see my mum’s foof! How weird.

🙄

Luckily the OP didn't show her DD her foof. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Kate0902900908 · 25/01/2019 20:29

Mum always took us when we got to 12
We’ve always been for ours it’s a lesson for her and yes if she has asked to go she should.

It’s part of life and it’s not a big issues
I think your doing the right thing taking her

rededucator · 25/01/2019 20:30

I really don’t think OP means the daughter is going to be at the business end wearing a miners helmet. I assume she’s just going to be on the room (possible the other side of a curtain if not at least a modesty blanket which I’ve always been given when it’s jyst myself and PN) talking to mum to see that it’s not a scary and traumatic experience. Some people really do deliberately make things out to seem weird or outrageous without applying any common sense!

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 20:30

I personally wouldnt want my daughter at that end as im a bit private about that but each to his or her own.

Again, the OP had no intention of making her DD watch the procedure. She ended up taking her to the appointment in the end but the DD stayed behind the curtain.

I have no idea where people are getting that the OP was going to have her DD actually physically watch the procedure from.

Touchmybum · 25/01/2019 20:38

I have 2 daughters and I think it's a ridiculous idea. You are more likely to put them off for life!!!!

Dungeondragon15 · 25/01/2019 20:39

The OP’s daughter specifically asked her if she could go. You’re right, most people probably wouldn’t invite thier children because they’d presumably be at school. However, if they weren’t and they asked to go, why would you say no?

I would say no as I don't think it necessary for a 12 year old and I think it could be counterproductive if she saw anything and pretty pointless if behind a curtain as in OPs case. She won't need one for another 13 years at least and maybe never. I would just say that the appointment would be when she was at school and that she could come the next time if she wanted to and leave it at that.

Moussemoose · 25/01/2019 20:45

What the hell happens at your smear tests?

Everyone can see your 'foof'?

If anything is going to traumatise a 12 year old it's the use of the word 'foof'.

emzw12 · 25/01/2019 20:45

As someone who does clinical research into why women don't attend cervical and breast screening I think it's admirable that you're talking about it at a young age. My mum had breast cancer when I was 11, she told me all the details (I wanted to know), probably why I've ended up in the job I have. Educate girls rather than them being embarrassed. Good for you. I'd let my daughter come.

moanymoaner · 25/01/2019 20:49

Some really odd responses here- I don't think YABU actually. She's 12! She's not a baby , she will be having her HPV vaccine at school and learning about cervical cancer so I think if she wants to go then yea I'd let her! I genuinely don't see the issue Confused

Dungeondragon15 · 25/01/2019 20:53

I wonder what it would be like for a 12 year old to see what looks like a medieval torture instrument inserted in her mother.

Lol. That's exactly what I thought when I saw the speculum at the age of 16 or 17 before my first smear! I think that is why I think watching one (even if not at the head end) would be counterproductive. My teenage girls are certainly scared of having a smear after seeing the diagrams and explanations they get at school!

halpert · 25/01/2019 20:59

I think it's great that she wants to go with you. If anything, it'll get her used to a process that will be rolled out to younger women eventually, and something that's important and has saved a lot of lives.

People are crazy, if she's interested then your daughter is awesome!

JinglingHellsBells · 25/01/2019 21:02

PLEASE RTFT before you post.
This is OLD news.
Smear was done yesterday.

PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2019 21:03

For all the people saying it’s painful...I agree it can be yes, but it’s not un-bearable and it’s only for a second??
That’s your personal experience. For others it is unbearable and it can take a long time to find their cervix.

I’m assuming everyone on “Mumsnet” has been through labour and childbirth? Or a c-section?

Wrong again. There are plenty of women without children here. Also men.

Moussemoose · 25/01/2019 21:09

And the OP obviously doesn't find it unbearable and that's the experience relevant to this thread.

Notafootiefan2018 · 25/01/2019 21:17

It’s fine, my daughter’s always come along to my smear appointments since she was 2 - she just sits on the chair and waits. No big deal at all! It’s not been an intentional thing, just easier to take her than find childcare. She’s in no way scarred 😂 Also, seeing it as a normal, routine test will hopefully ensure that she has regular test when she’s older.

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 25/01/2019 21:22

Nope,it's not a good idea. I'm with your DPs ex wife on this and I personally don't have them done. I've read the work of Dr Margaret McCarthy so I've made an informed decision as regards to myself. No need to for her to be present at yours at all.

MrsCplus · 25/01/2019 21:23

If this was me and my daughter. Yes I would, it needs to be normalised and not something that is embarrassing and feared.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 25/01/2019 21:45

I’ve arrived at this late and I’m not going to read gazillions of pages, just thinking that I have known kids who demonstrated this sort of interest in childhood and then went on to medical careers. It looks like a healthy, inquiring mind at work.

cherish123 · 25/01/2019 21:50

I once took my DS when he was 8 as DH was at work. It wouldn't have done it if I could have avoided it but he wasn't bothered. I was behind a curtain.

TriciaH87 · 25/01/2019 21:56

Personally i have two boys but even if i had girls would not take them in to witness i may ask the nurse to talk me through the process and show the equipment too her so she can be introduced to it and told how vital it is then get her to wait outside. This time last year i did not expect mine after always being fine to come back abnormal cin1. The biopsies showed cin2 a couple weeks later then when i went for the lletz 6 weeks on it turned out to be cin3 she told me in a matter of months it would likely have been cancer by how fast it progressed so personally i would not expose a child to that but i would talk through how important it is.

kitty85 · 25/01/2019 21:56

Viviane why are you so adamant that your point of view is right there is a reason why the test is available also it is each to there own on what people decide is right for them to do my best friend had treatment at the age of 21 if she had not she wouldn't be here now

YoniHuman · 25/01/2019 21:57

YANBU - I remember accompanying my Mum to one of hers once as it was on the way home from school. I can't remember how old I was but it was junior school. She told me what would happen and why they did it. She popped behind the curtain and I sat at the Dr's desk and heard what was going on. I think as a result I was a lot less nervous when I went for my first smear several years later.

MyOtherLifeIsAFairytale · 25/01/2019 22:06

I’d bring her etc If she wanted to. NOT an issue IMO

ItsPeanutButterJelly · 25/01/2019 22:08

Jesus, at 12 she may have her period already and it's just a smear test, not some sort of private, sacred event. I would be thrilled if my daughter was brave enough to ask to come with me and the LAST thing I'd want to do it mystify the whole thing by making her wait outside.