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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 19:38

If you're happy with your choice then why do you care? Just crack on and ignore everyone else.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/01/2019 19:39

"Whether it changes in future is irrelevant. It is currently 25z"

Why is it irrelevant? I can point it out if I want to.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 19:40

Point what out?

Have you actually read the thread and understood what it was she was replying to?

Sparkerparker · 25/01/2019 19:44

Good to normalize the process. Just being cool about it and saying this is what all ladies do can only be a positive thing. Head end is prob enough. Smile

Gwenhwyfar · 25/01/2019 19:44

Yes, Plants, I have.

Theluckynumberthree · 25/01/2019 19:46

Some people are very dramatic. Years ago people didn’t have a choice but to have home births- children would have had the opportunity to see child birth first hand.

What appears awkward to some can seem natural to others. Each parent knows his/ her child best and every parent and child relationship is different. Would I have wanted to go to my mums... no but we didn’t have that type of relationship.
I would allow my daughters at that age if they wanted to but depends how sensible etc they are. It’s just a way of life- accepting a smear test. My mil has never had one nor my sil... I knew my mum had them so when I was old enough it was the norm for me to have them..

Muddyslippers · 25/01/2019 19:50

Wow, I’m shocked at these immediate responses too. My son (3) comes everywhere with me - single mum, not much choice. He is fascinated by everything - be it medical, the car being fixed, dentists, whatever. I think he feels the world is a great place where everybody can get things checked, diagnosed and fixed. Not always the case, but he has seen dead things too. Having said that I haven’t needed to take him to a smear... yet... but go for it OP, she has shown interest!

Reastie · 25/01/2019 19:54

Surprised at responses. If she wants to and you don’t mind I don’t see it as an issue. If it normalises smear tests and she’ll feel happier when she gets to the age of having one because she’s seen it and knows what a non deal it is.

DesertSky · 25/01/2019 19:59

Are you expecting her to watch OP? Call me a prude or whatever but I find this peculiar. No way at 12 (or any age for that matter!) would I wish to view up my mother’s genitalia Hmm
Nothing wrong with telling her about it and normalising it but I think this is a step too far!

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 20:01

The OP has already had the smear Desert and her DD waited behind the curtain.

Of course she wasn't expecting her to watch. Don't be ridiculous.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/01/2019 20:01

I wonder if all the people who are "shocked" at the idea that some people would think it a bit weird, inappropriate and fairly pointless (considering she won't have a smear for at least 13 years if at all) to invite a 12 year old to watch then have a smear have invited their own children to their own smears. My guess is that very few of them would and people are just jumping on the opportunity to show how cool they are.

justoneday · 25/01/2019 20:08

I took my 3 year old. I explained what was happening and when she's a mummy she had to have her bottom checked by a nurse to make sure she's healthy. I don't want her thinking smears are a taboo subject. I want her to look out for herself. It's now a normal thing for her.

NamedyChangedy · 25/01/2019 20:08

I think it's a good thing, if she's keen to come along. My family were extremely squeamish about anything to do with genitalia or sexual activity and I made it into my twenties not having a clue about my own anatomy. She's not going to be doing the smear herself surely - I can't see the harm. Good on her for asking.

orangecushion · 25/01/2019 20:12

a 3 year old? Can't they just play?

Larrythecat · 25/01/2019 20:16

I think it's great she wants to go and that you are allowing her to. It's a check up. If you'd let her go with you for a blood test, why not a smear? It will set up healthy expectations and she will see it as something good for her health. So many "oh the horror" attitudes... Hmm

FairyFlake45 · 25/01/2019 20:17

For all the people saying it’s painful...I agree it can be yes, but it’s not un-bearable and it’s only for a second?? I’m assuming everyone on “Mumsnet” has been through labour and childbirth? Or a c-section?Having a smear after you’ve been through all that is a breeze surely?

Carriecakes80 · 25/01/2019 20:17

Took my DDS, both of them, am very open about things like this (pardon the pun lol) periods, sex, condoms, smears, STD's, all been talked about from when they were very young, and they have all grown up (my two older boys included) being very open and honest about everything.
When I took my dd's it was to show them that its not scary, and it wasn't, my DR. was really impressed that the kids came, they never saw everything lol, but they knew what was going on as the Dr explained it to them in laymens terms, and I never regretted it.
My kids ARE kids btw, they are just mad fun loving kids who can talk about periods, smear tests and all sorts without fear and embarrassment!

ReaganSomerset · 25/01/2019 20:17

To be honest, justoneday by the time current three year olds are 25, I doubt smears will still be routinely carried out for that age range, due to HPV vaccinations.

SusannahSpoon · 25/01/2019 20:20

I wonder what it would be like for a 12 year old to see what looks like a medieval torture instrument inserted in her mother. It sounds like you've thought it through so you're probably on top of that aspect of it but it is not a comfortable experience, albeit a very important one.
I had a mum who just handed me the Tampax box and said look at the instructions as the period educational chat. You sound at the other end of the spectrum in terms of sharing but I personally feel better your way and she can say "you've hit my boundary of what is enough now mum" rather than everything being totally unspoken about and therefore shameful.
Anyway, you posted yesterday so did you take her in the end? How did she find it if so?

Smotheroffive · 25/01/2019 20:22

Isn't there a world of difference between showing an arm, that's in regular view, and a vulva, potentially never seen before? Seeing your DMS vulva? Isn't that the thing, the issue? That some DC see the pubis regularly but unless actually shown vulva to DC they will not have seen before. If they see your vulva from time to time (and I can't really see how they can) then its a non-issue.

To take them to a procedure though then askhem to stay out of it? Seems very counter productive, as dd had wanted to go, surely not to be shut out?! Doesn't make sense to me. Worse than pointless, for a 12 yo to ask then be shutout... Odd

MadeForThis · 25/01/2019 20:22

I think it's incredibly healthy to show dd that it's a simple routine appointment. People are unreasonably scared of smears. Yet they save lives.

Results are not known at the smear so she's not going to be distressed in the unlikely event that further investigation is needed.

Show her it's quick and only mildly uncomfortable. She'll never fear the unknown.

I admire your close relationship.

FairyFlake45 · 25/01/2019 20:23

Dungeondragon The OP’s daughter specifically asked her if she could go. You’re right, most people probably wouldn’t invite thier children because they’d presumably be at school. However, if they weren’t and they asked to go, why would you say no?

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 25/01/2019 20:24

Ewww Shock I wouldn’t want to see my mum’s foof! How weird.

MidgetGem54 · 25/01/2019 20:24

Let her come. It’s not something you want to discourage. I put mine off for years. Because my mum in part was terrified of hers. I couldn’t believe how smooth the whole procedure was, the Dentists’s in my opinion is worse.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 20:27

For all the people saying it’s painful...I agree it can be yes, but it’s not un-bearable and it’s only for a second??

It was a hell of a lot longer than a second for me. It took the nurse six attempts to get the speculum in because it hurt so much and I was crying out.

I’m assuming everyone on “Mumsnet” has been through labour and childbirth? Or a c-section?

You'd be wrong to assume that. I didn't have DS when I had my smear but I was still a member of MN at the time and had been for some years prior to that. Not everyone on MN has children.

I had a c-section and quite frankly that was a breeze compared to my smear.

I realise now I have DS I have to bite the bullet and get it over with for his sake at least but that doesn't mean I don't feel sick at the thought.

But this is what I mean about the lack of empathy thing. Why can't people understand that others have different experiences to them? I have autism FFS and even I can understand this.

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