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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
HeyDelRey · 25/01/2019 19:07

The child asked to go - let her! She won't get in the way of the nurse as she's not going to be at the 'business end'. My daughter (8) took my blood last week - the nurse inserted the needle, then she was allowed to clip on the vacuum container, tip it till it filled, then unclip it and give it a shake. She now sees blood tests as no big thing, and knows that the pointier the needle, the better (reduces pain).

Purplealienpuke · 25/01/2019 19:10

I went with my daughter when she had her first smear. Weird? Only if you think it is. I was in the room, not behind the curtain watching.
By this time I'd been at the birth of my grandchild, helped put cream on her extensive bruising and sat up endless nights while she was breastfeeding. She was very young when she had dgd.
I don't think it's a problem taking your daughter.

kateandme · 25/01/2019 19:11

can I be possibly be called very stupid(sorry) but is there a way of doing this test without having to do a smear test if that makes sense.so can you have any other tests done?

Toooldfornonsense · 25/01/2019 19:13

Exhibitionist? Her dd has asked to go. She’s not forcing her to go for her own gratification 🙄

howabout · 25/01/2019 19:13

Penny drop moment from the plethora of supportive comments and the fact it is smear test awareness month and their demonstrating live on Victoria Derbyshire.

A plant thread to guilt trip mothers of 12 year olds into making sure they are up to date with their smears?

ToftyAC · 25/01/2019 19:13

No, you’re not being unreasonable. I applaud your stance. It’s not made clear to youngsters how so very important smears are. Your DD will also realise it’s not painful or scary.

LishLish · 25/01/2019 19:14

If she wants to be there then, why not? There is nothing wrong with it at all.

Hector2000 · 25/01/2019 19:17

It seems odd to me, but if it works for you and your dd then that’s absolutely fine.

TonTonMacoute · 25/01/2019 19:18

What with this, and the dummy at 8 thread, Mumsnet seems to have been invaded by an army of Victorian nannies!

CammieKennaway · 25/01/2019 19:19

I don't think you're being unreasonable - it's not as if she's going to be stood next to the nurse - she's probably going to be sat in the same room and will mostly see that it's a normal, painless and quick procedure and won't be afraid of her own smear test when the time comes.
I'd think differently if she hadn't asked to go perhaps, but because she's asked I don't see a problem. If any of my 3 girls had asked, then I'd probably allow them to come if they were around this age after we'd had a conversation about smear tests and the reasons for them.
I have cancer and unfortunately I've been told it's incurable (not cervical cancer, but having cancer has made me more aware) and I would be delighted if my children showed such a positive and interested attitude towards their future health.
As for distracting the nurse? Well as someone who used to be a nurse, I can wholeheartedly say that a child of that age wouldn't be a distraction at all

lolaflores · 25/01/2019 19:21

I had a smear go very wrong. I had endometriosis and fibroids. Consultant tipped the yoke a fraction the wrong way and didn't have the lightest of touches. Apparently they could hear the roaring down the corridor.
DH and consultant went white.
I came out in pieces.
That was scheduled as routine by the way.
Same tho happened during my amnio.
D

DenCop1 · 25/01/2019 19:22

Se absolutely no harm in her going with you, the taboo on smears needs torn down and if she wants to genuinely go because she is mature enough to understand why you're having it then I don't see any harm. Although I wouldn't have her down at the 'business' end- that to me is a step too far, but maybe sitting somewhere she can't see waist down would be possible.
Hopefully the nurse you get will explain the items she is using and why and for one young girl it'll be something she doesn't fear and maybe even positively encourages her female friends to go for. Or she herself could decide there and then to become a nurse?
The positives from this would in my opinion far out weigh any negatives (and I don't see any).

1sttimemama1986 · 25/01/2019 19:22

Anything that normalises a standard health procedure for women is a good thing. If we make it a gross and horrific thing we are setting up our young women to think the same. I'm with you OP.

SianyLou11 · 25/01/2019 19:25

Purple daisies, yes the age is 25 unless you’re sexually active which a lot of teenage girls are these days. Depends on the drs if they ask this or not, I certainly was and had mine earlier

PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2019 19:27

You’re wrong.

It’s 25.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/cervical-screening/

LincolnOceanVictorEdward · 25/01/2019 19:28

I wouldn't have a problem if my dd wanted to come with me to mine. As someone said upthread, you know your daughter and if you feel she can handle it then and is curious about it then why not.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 19:29

@SianyLou11

That is not correct I am afraid. It's 25 regardless of whether you're sexually active or not.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 19:32

I believe it used to be the case years ago that you just began having them whenever you were sexually active. I know my mum started having hers at around 18 but she had my sister when she was 17 so it was pretty obvious she was sexually active.

It's changed now though and it's a blanket rule of 25 regardless of being sexually active or not.

Momo18 · 25/01/2019 19:33

I think it's a great idea. It's a normal thing for women to attend, if she goes with you she will see it as no major ordeal when she's older.

ChoccyBiccyTastic · 25/01/2019 19:34

I think it's a great idea. It's just teaching your DD one of the necessities of being female, showing her it's importance, normalising it so that it's not scary- really can't see a down side. She will be staring her periods soon if she hasn't already. It's all part and parcel of being a woman. She doesn't need shielding from it, she needs educating.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/01/2019 19:34

"letting the girl go in with the mother to have her cervical smear is NOT going to make it any less stressful for her when she eventually goes for one.. "

It really might do. I avoided going for years and years and a big part of that was not knowing what to expect, thinking that it would be more embarrassing than it actually was.

"You’re wrong.

It’s 25"

This has changed over time and might change again. When I was a teenager it was as soon as the doctor knew the girl was sexually active or letter would be sent around 20.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 19:35

This has changed over time and might change again. When I was a teenager it was as soon as the doctor knew the girl was sexually active or letter would be sent around 20.

But right now it is 25 regardless of being sexually active or not.

That's what PurpleDaisies is saying.

PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2019 19:36

This has changed over time and might change again. When I was a teenager it was as soon as the doctor knew the girl was sexually active or letter would be sent around 20.

It’s 25 now. The other poster said it wasn’t. Whether it changes in future is irrelevant. It is currently 25z

CthulhusMum · 25/01/2019 19:37

I took my 13 yo daughter to my last one, showed her there’s nothing to be scared of.

Original poster
Toomanychefs · 25/01/2019 19:37

Oh Ffs the crap people come out with on here! I have been dealing with a family death and just came back.
I am not an exhibitionist, I have no problem with my partners ex, my daughter is not scarred and it is definitely not a plant thread (although I have been contacted and asked if I'd like to speak to a journalist)
I'm actually a regular poster who is stunned by the response and, if I'm honest, ignorance if some people.
The experience opened up a new narrative between my daughter and I and also with my daughter and her careers advisor. I'd definitely make the same choice again

OP posts: