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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
TurquoiseDress · 25/01/2019 18:40

Forgot to add- YANBU!

Angelil · 25/01/2019 18:40

I'd let her. She asked and she can always change her mind at any point before/during too.

SausageSmuggler · 25/01/2019 18:41

I don’t see the issue. Personally I think if she sees it’s no big deal then it’ll encourage her in the future. My last smear had all three of my kids in the room with me. Admittedly it was because I didn’t have anyone to watch them and they’re too young to be left in the waiting room. The nurse was great with them and explained what she needed to do (in a child friendly way). I was behind a curtain but it didn’t stop them trying to peek.

icanbewhatiwant · 25/01/2019 18:41

Good on you op. I think it’s good she went. Nothing wrong with going in and standing up behind your head either. Our nurse covers up over the knees. So she wouldn’t see much.
I remember listening to my mum and friends talking about smear tests, they talked of pain and stirrups (as a horse rider I imagined leather straps with metal stirrups and somehow you had to balance🤣) maybe she did experience pain but it certainly put me off.
I went to the dr about something (nothing to do with smears) when I was 17 and he told me I should have had a smear test by now. Then he asked if I was sexually active. I wasn’t. So he told me as soon as I was I needed a smear test.
I remember thinking I’m never having sex if I need a smear!
So teaching daughters it’s no big deal is brilliant.
Have they changed the age of smear tests now. It was from 16 years in my day. I’ve seen posts here suggesting it’s later?

JamieFrasersSassenach · 25/01/2019 18:43

I think it's a great idea - a really important health check, that so many women put off due to fear. If she sees from this age that there is nothing horrific about having one (and that can be done from the other side of the curtain) then surely she will be completely relaxed about having her own smear test when she is old enough.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 18:44

Smear test age is 25.

Yulebealrite · 25/01/2019 18:44

What an exhibitionist. My mother was very open and honest with me and my sister regarding mentruation and women's health, sexual and otherwise. That included the importance of a smear and breast check.
We never felt the need to go along to my mother's gynaecologist appointments, not her to ours. Fortunately, it didn't extend to her legs being open to us.

Your Grandmother didn't have cervical cancer Hmm

newnameforthis7 · 25/01/2019 18:44

LOL no. Never. Not appropriate.

ferrier · 25/01/2019 18:47

I didn't need to see my mother having a smear test to know that they're a good idea and it's no big deal.
I don't think YABU but I don't think it's necessarily a great idea.

Soulstirring · 25/01/2019 18:48

OP good on you. I’d let my daughter come with me when she’s older (only 4 at min) and i’d certainly attend with her if asked. Nothing traumatising about it, a smear is built up to be a scary urban myth like event and it’s far from that. About time we broke those walls down!

icanbewhatiwant · 25/01/2019 18:49

Thanks plantsarepeople I wonder why they’ve changed the age? It was 16 (late 1980’s) I thought younger people were more likely to get it.

Alittlebitofthat · 25/01/2019 18:49

I think the responses on here explain why numbers attending for smear tests are down again. Some people seem to think this is going to be a horrendous procedure which will scar your daughter for life rather than letting her see that it’s a perfectly normal routine appointment all women over a certain age go through.....

SleepingIsOverrated · 25/01/2019 18:51

I actually think this is great, both that she is curious and that you're open enough to let her attend.

I actually scrolled through the comments fully expecting everybody to think the same... that's me told!!

The way I see it, I was scared at my first smear because I didn't know what to expect. She won't be, because she will have already experienced it. Kind of Grin

PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2019 18:51

Nothing traumatising about it, a smear is built up to be a scary urban myth like event and it’s far from that.

For you. Do you think the women that say they experience pain are lying?

Cotswoldmama · 25/01/2019 18:51

I haven’t read all the comments just the first page. My sons have been to all of mine ok the oldest was only 3 at the time but there wasn’t really much choice. I don’t think he really understood what was going on. I did explain to him. Both boys came with me when I had my coil fitted too! They were two and 5! It did get done behind a curtain but again I told them why I was going. I think it’s important to educate kids and normalise these things.

Dancinginthedark10 · 25/01/2019 18:52

Well done op, if more people think and do as you do the take up for smears would be higher. I'm genuinely shocked and concerned at the views of some women on here. A 12 year old is showing interest in something that will happen to her and her body, op is totally right to encourage that and not to hide away from it as if it's something to be ashamed of. If any of my kids wanted to come, dd or ds's I'd happily allow them to attend

Skyejuly · 25/01/2019 18:52

Dd was in room when I had emergency swab while pregnant. She didn't see anything. Was no big deal.

emmskie03 · 25/01/2019 18:53

I'm totally boggled as to why people would think it's weird and quite frankly, the fact that people think it's weird is probably some of the reason we have such low attendance rates.

Seems to me the perfect way to show her what to expect when her time comes, that it's nothing to make a fuss about and not painful.

I can't imagine she will be having a good nose down the business end and even if she does, as long as you are both comfortable with that it's all good!

I had friends when I was younger who would ask my mum about gynae issues because their own mothers had made that are no go. My mum was a midwife and nothing was off limits. I'm extremely grateful for that especially since I have endometriosis.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 18:54

I thought younger people were more likely to get it.

No younger people are much less likely to get it which is one of the reasons why the age was raised.

However younger people are more likely to get false positives which causes unnecessary worry and stress along with having to undergo treatment which they don't need. And of course that treatment isn't exactly risk and problem free. This is the main reason why the age was raised I believe.

winsinbin · 25/01/2019 18:55

Medical staff are very used to carrying out smears (and any other procedure) in the prescense of any number of trainees, chaperones, responsible adults, toddlers, etc etc. I am sure a 12 year old girl won’t distract them.

YANBU OP. Let your DD see it’s no biggie.

Frazzledstar1 · 25/01/2019 18:56

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking her along at all. As you said, she’s not going to be watching it from the nurses perspective and I think it would give her a good sense of how the appointments work so she’s not nervous for her first time.

stellarfox · 25/01/2019 18:56

It is 100% fine...it's a routine health procedure and more girls should be aware it's a normal thing as there are so many women that miss their smears. More awareness can only be a good thing and if you can show her it isn't something to be scared of why not!

Banana1979 · 25/01/2019 18:57

Nurse wouldn't want her standing at end of bed because that's where the nurse is going to be..no room for your kid. Kid can wait in the room. Plus a smear test takes less than 5 mins

Soulstirring · 25/01/2019 19:05

@purpledaisies I haven’t accused anyone of lying. A smear can be portrayed as such a frightening and scary event and as such ladies turn up very tense, worried and prepared for the worst. It’s absolutely not something I’d chose to do for fun, and I appreciate many people have different experiences but it’s so vital and necessary that we as a society need to reposition the view of smears as horrendous and embarrassing to manageable and a normal part of our lives. If OP has a good tolerance of her smears and has no worries about her daughter seeing her then great, a positive experience shared!

newnameforthis7 · 25/01/2019 19:06

@emmskie03

I am totally boggled as to why people think it's weird.

And I am totally 'boggled' that some people are so small-minded that they can't understand or 'get' that other will have different opinions to them.

I think it's weird and inappropriate, (and so do many others,) and letting the girl go in with the mother to have her cervical smear is NOT going to make it any less stressful for her when she eventually goes for one..

You and some other posters think it's OK. Me and some others don't think it is. However, I don't see the people thinking it's weird, attacking the ones who think it's OK. So pipe down and let people have their opinions without petty, judgemental remarks like 'people are weird if they think it's not OK,' and 'they are setting the daughter up for a life of dread and fear by not letting her attend your cervical smear!' FFS! Hmm

And as for saying 'what's the fuss, it's not even painful,' like you and several others have said; what an ignorant, ill-informed remark.

How dare you assume that a cervical smear is stress free, problem free and painless for every single woman? Hmm

I have seen some ignorant shit on here, but this takes the biscuit! Confused

I also agree with a pp that the original post seems like a thinly veiled attack on her partner's ex. She seems to be saying 'my partner's ex wouldn't have a cervical smear, and look at MEEEE, not only having one, but also taking my daughter in. I am SO the better woman!'