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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 25/01/2019 18:15

Brilliant I think. It's a great idea and should be encouraged, at an appropriate age, for all daughters, if handled well.

Good on you OP.

soupmaker · 25/01/2019 18:16

Thank you OP. If either of my DDs asks to attend my smear test I will absolutely say YES.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 18:17

Also I am not embarrassed about showing the nurse my privates so comments like "they have seen it all before" and "the nurse doesn't care what your privates look like" are not helpful to everyone. I just don't want it to hurt again.

SianyLou11 · 25/01/2019 18:19

I think it’s a great idea. She’s asked, you’re not forcing her into it and far too many teenage girls are not going for their smear tests.

mlrmummy1 · 25/01/2019 18:20

Taking her in to the nurses room is a huge YES from me. I’m all for teaching and encouraging girls to be aware of the importance of cervical screening. If she’s had the HPV vaccine already then this is all part of the course!

As a cervical cancer surviver and a mum of three daughters I think this is a fantastic move!

PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2019 18:20

far too many teenage girls are not going for their smear tests.

They shouldn’t be going. The programme doesn’t start until 25z

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 18:20

Uh, that would be because teenage girls don't have smears.

MombieMumbles · 25/01/2019 18:22

I wouldn't BUT no, you are not being unreasonable!

mlrmummy1 · 25/01/2019 18:22

In addition to my previous post, I took my 4yr old daughter to mine as I had no choice with childcare. Ultimately it’s something is women go through and I see it as the same type of appointment as the dentist, hairdressers. Of course my dd was not at the bottom end, she was on a stool at the top looking at pictures in a book. If we make the process ‘normal’ then we won’t have those silly women thinking nurses are judging and 21yr old girls worried sick about their first smears if we normalise the process.

tikkapots · 25/01/2019 18:23

I have taken my daughter early a number of times when I have had a smear as I don't like to leave her in the doctors waiting room. The nurse pulls the curtain.

However, I'd let her watch if she wanted too as I want to promote smear tests and for her to understand they are a normal. part of life as a woman!

I had pre cancerous cells in my early 20s and had to have treatment.

boredatwork1 · 25/01/2019 18:23

I don’t think YABU at all, you’re making her aware that it’s nothing to be afraid of! Far too many girls fear their tests!

stickystick · 25/01/2019 18:24

Before my son started school I used to take him to mine because I had no one else to watch him (I wasn’t going to hire a babysitter for three hours just for that!) It was fine.
He’s also been in the room (same reason) while I’ve had a bikini wax, which was MUCH worse all round, in terms of pain, visuals, and sheer inexplicability...

PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2019 18:26

If we make the process ‘normal’ then we won’t have those silly women thinking nurses are judging and 21yr old girls worried sick about their first smears if we normalise the process.

It’s 25, not 21.

pigsDOfly · 25/01/2019 18:28

I am in no way a prude and have a very open relationship with both my DDs, we will take about anything to one another, but there's no way I would have wanted one of them with me while having a smear test and certainly not at the age of twelve.

Just because a child doesn't get to see such things in person doesn't mean that they can't and won't understand the need for them when their time comes.

My DDs have all the necessary tests on a regular basis because they are sensible women who know the importance of these regular checks; they didn't need to see me having one to know that.

Having said that, she's your daughter OP so it's up to you. I doubt it will scar her for life but why does she need to see you on the examination table with your knees splayed while someone stick a speculum in you?

Tiaptia85 · 25/01/2019 18:30

What a clever girl your DD!

I would take my DD, tell her about the process, the importance of the procedure and the outcome.

She has the right to know at the end of the day.

And I would like to praise you for raising your daughter in a way that she trusts you in such intimate questions!

Make it into the girls outing, with Caffe on the way back home or smth else.

👩‍❤️‍👩👭👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

bubblegumunicorn · 25/01/2019 18:30

I think it’s a great idea I know loads of woman my age(28) scared to go because they think it will hurt I think show her it’s not painful and totally fine and she will be empowered to go once’s she’s 24 and a half!

PreTeensMum · 25/01/2019 18:30

YNBU I also think it is a very hood idea to take your 12YO DD; she asked and it is important to show them that it's important and there is nothing to fear. I also watched the live BBC smear test (and many more shown on TV); they can be done totally discreetly and infact will be good for her to see that you don't look scared or in pain. I totally sympathise why people who have been abused might find it traumatising etc but other than that, there's no reason. It is also for them not to be ashamed of their body. Apart from anything it causes chaos during school trips when they give them very little time to get ready and someone has to lock herself just to brush teeth - but that's another topic for another time!. 12 is not too young + she asked.

colditz · 25/01/2019 18:32

It's a brilliant idea, and can only assume those protesting otherwise still think vaginas are dirty secrets

PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2019 18:32

I know loads of woman my age(28) scared to go because they think it will hurt I think show her it’s not painful

It can be painful. It isn’t helpful to pretend it doesn’t hurt because for some people it does.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 18:34

Exactly PurpleDaisies! I don't get why some people are so lacking in empathy they can't understand that not everyone has the same experience as them.

Obi73 · 25/01/2019 18:35

I don’t want to go to my own smear tests never mind take my daughter FFS!

manicmij · 25/01/2019 18:36

Having had the HPV vaccination there must have been some information/discussion on what it is for. Knowing you are doing what an adult female does to track for cervical cancer would surely suffice at the moment. You seem to have very open discussions with your DD about the body, sex etc. If aware of pregnancy, childbirth, a smear test is a non event really and her attending would seem superficial. But, she is your daughter you know her best. Perhaps your DH just doesn't like the thought of "lower regions" being poked at even though not his!

TurquoiseDress · 25/01/2019 18:36

Hi OP
I've only read the first page and am surprised at some of the extreme responses!

If your daughter is a mature 12 year, and especially as it sounds like she has some grasp of the reality of cervical cancer (your DM) and also she's just had the HPV vaccine which is precisely to prevent this cancer, amongst other things- I don't see why she shouldn't come with you.

She can sit the other side of the curtain, she's not going to wielding a speculum or anything like that!

It'll be good for her to see how normal it is to go for a smear test

Toooldfornonsense · 25/01/2019 18:39

If dd wants to go the take her. It’s clear that you’re allowing her the choice to see it all or not. Dp has his reservations but it’s your dd. Your dm is a cervical cancer survivor, it’s very important for her to realise tests are necessary. All these people spouting it’s disgusting are ridiculous. Shame on them

Hauskat · 25/01/2019 18:39

Sorry I can’t read the whole thread but I have no idea why anyone would have a problem with this. It’s not exactly a traumatic event and how great to have it demystified before your first one. YANBU

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