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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
Elocampane · 25/01/2019 17:56

I think it's a great idea. It's a normal, matter of fact check up. Why treat it differently to a dentist check up?
Will show her it's nothing to worry about

Purplerain1985 · 25/01/2019 17:56

urbansprawl Well said,why are some awkward about something so important?

Sylvanianfamiliesnurseryset · 25/01/2019 17:56

Such bizarre responses. I was very young but I remember being present when my mother had a smear test as a child. It was no big deal and I’ve never really thought anything about it. FWIW I’ve grown up to have regular smears myself and while it’s not something I look forward to, I just see it as a standard part of general health care. Not embarrassing. Not enjoyable, sure, but very normal.

sijjy · 25/01/2019 17:57

I think it's fine if she's asked to come. Not the business end like you said. She can see what's going on without the graphic side of it.
When my dd was younger she came to the nurse with me when I had my depo injection. Not the same thing but it still provoked questions about woman issues. Well done for having a open, honest and great relationship with your daughter.

peachdribble · 25/01/2019 18:00

good idea, I think; she can hold your hand while the nurse explains what’s going on- I wish my mum’s generation were more open about these things!

TheQueef · 25/01/2019 18:00

After watching the smear on VD I learned you can have it laid on your side.
Never knew that and I'm ancient Grin

StarlightLady · 25/01/2019 18:00

The University of Life.

I think this is an excellent body positive, women positive, health positive idea.

FourFlapjacksPlease · 25/01/2019 18:00

I am agog at some of these responses. It's only a vagina!! It's this weird view of smear tests as some sort of mystical fanny torturing procedure that stops so many women having them.

I am taking my 14 year old with me next time I go. She's curious and I'm not in the least bit bothered about having her there. It takes 5 minutes and doesn't hurt. I want her to know that. It won't traumatise her as it just isn't a traumatic event. Far more traumatic for both of us if she develops cervical cancer later in life!

OP - I think you are a great mum!

Cubancigar55 · 25/01/2019 18:01

I really don’t see the problem. The BBC have shown a smear test live on air to raise awareness! It’s not as if you see anything! To me, it’s no different from having my children with me at the dentist. It normalizes the whole thing.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0c0h084

gustofwind · 25/01/2019 18:02

I applaud you OP. Some of the responses on here are absolutely unbelievable.

Angielester1 · 25/01/2019 18:04

Good on you!

Kerrylou92 · 25/01/2019 18:05

I went to one of my mums with her. But I stayed behide the curtain. I’m not scared for life. I saw how quick it was and the reality of it. Your daughter wants to go with you. She asked you! I don’t seem no harm. If I didn’t see my mums I dont think I would of booked and gone for mine

Hammondisback · 25/01/2019 18:05

To me, it sounds absolutely fine. Your daughter is the one who requested it, she’s interested and yes, you’re right, it will reinforce the value of it and the fact that it’s just like any other medical check-up.
If my daughter asked, I would certainly take her.

staceyflack · 25/01/2019 18:08

What a lovely relationship you must have. You sound like a great mum... very wise and open. I think the shock / horror reactions on here are very sad. Well done. Ps. I'm a Midwife - for what it's worth. Flowers

ChocolateWombat · 25/01/2019 18:09

I think it's important for children to learn about smear tests. I think seeing one on an educational site would be useful at an appropriate point - would probably choose a bit later and a time closer to when DD would have a smear herself.

I wouldn't take my DD. I find them difficult and uncomfortable and it would be obvious. I wouldn't want my DD to see me experiencing it like this because it could make her worried about it for later. I would think watching a straightforward birth on TV is similar - that is useful, but we wouldn't want our child to watch a complicated and unpleasant birth experience.

So personally I wouldn't do it. Knowing it happens and what is involved sounds great, possibly watching a video at an older age when it's close to the time it will happen also useful, but no need to see it at 12 and certainly not if there's any risk of it being uncomfortable and obviously so.

Supermum29 · 25/01/2019 18:09

I think each to their own. I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable but that’s probably because my mum took me to hers when I was younger and I felt really uncomfortable and now always feel uncomfortable going for my own. It just really stuck with me and had the opposite effect, difference here is she has asked so why not let her?!

Cpr2018 · 25/01/2019 18:10

I’m genuinely horrified by the comments on this thread. It’s 2019 and cervical smear attending rates are at an all time low. She’s not asking if it’s unreasonable to expect her daughter to do the fucking smear test. She’s asking if it’s unreasonable for her to be there. No, OP, YANBU. These days, the younger a child goes to an appointment like this, the better. It HAS TO BE NORMALISED. The female body and what needs to be done to protect it should not been seen as dirty or shameful. No different than an eye test, GP appointment etc. I fully intend on bringing my son with me to appointments if it falls outside of school hours and he happens to be with me. I would not go out of my way to take him (unless he asked) nor would I go out of my way to ensure he isn’t there. You lot need to grow up!!!! Well done OP, ignore all this and take YOUR daughter. It could well guide her decision making process about it when she turns 25.

Teagoanngoanngoann · 25/01/2019 18:11

I dont think i would want anyone watching me while i have a smear test, coil removed etc etc but each to their own. Im very much of the opinion if its your kids then you do your thing your way and its never wrong as long as everyone is happy and comfortable. So do your thing. Good luck with smear. U have reminded me i am due to go Wink

PorkPatrol · 25/01/2019 18:11

Can’t be bothered trawling through the hundreds of posts but is this your dd or dsd?
If it’s your dd then I’m not sure why what your partners ex does about smear tests is relevant?
If it’s your dsd then I think inviting another persons child to attend your smear test against the wishes of at least one but likely both of their parents would be very odd indeed.

FairyFlake45 · 25/01/2019 18:11

Wow, there’s some prudish people around...is it any wonder some girls/women don’t go for thier smears when there’s this sort of attitude. It gives the impression that it’s something awful, private, secret and something to be embarrassed of!
Your daughter sounds like a very sensible girl. Of course there’s no problem with letting her go with you. As you say, she’s not going to be at the end of the bed, staring up your vagina. She’s just going to be in the room and will see how quick and easy the whole thing is. She wants to go...take her!

Whymummyeats · 25/01/2019 18:12

I took my 7 year old recently. I explained the importance and why it was necessary. She sat up the head end and asked some quite sensible questions.
If they see its part of life and nothing to fear from a young age then it's normalised and when grown-up they will attend as no fuss and realise it's important.

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 18:13

Again, the OP has already had her smear test and taken her daughter with her.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/01/2019 18:14

"She's pubescent! She should know how a woman's body works as she has periods or will do quite soon.

A valid point - but not sure that seeing her stepmums vagina helps with any of that."

What a strange reply.

  1. It's her mum, not her stepmum.
  2. OP said her DD won't be at the 'business end' so won't be seeing her DM's vagina anyway.

She's not showing her DD her vagina, she's taking her to a smear test so she can see what it's all about for when DD needs to go for one.

James10102 · 25/01/2019 18:15

Speaking as an obstetrician and gynaecologist, I think it is a fantastic idea. We really need to get these stupid ideas about our bodies out of our heads, as I see far too many women die every year from being to ashamed or embarrassed to go and get a simple harmless test. OP you are doing an amazing thing for your daughter by letting her go and you should not let some of these negative opinions affect your judgment! You are doing the right thing!

N.b. It most certainly not put off any doctor or nurse we would love to help with the education process!

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 18:15

Can I just point out however that I really am jealous of those who can breeze through their smear tests and feel no pain?

Mine was painful and defintley wasn't quick. Am due for my next one and am dreading it.