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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
TigerTooth · 25/01/2019 17:42

I think it's a bit weird but I am quite. Observation about such things. I do think that knowing that you go to smears and take screening seriously is enough to encourage her to go.
If anything watching might put her off. I'm just picturing you legs akimbo and DD watching and stand by my initial redaction - Why would you? It's weird.

tazzle22 · 25/01/2019 17:43

Brilliant idea I think... normalize all the tests men and women have might mean less young women and men dying from cancer...or even having to go through chemo. At 12 she will be a lot less embarrassed than at 15 when you go next I would think.

It's also seeing genitals for something other than sex or smutty jokes or embarrassment. Yes they are private and not to.be touched inappropriately but neither are any different to anyone else's bits... we all have them

Good on you and your dd OP.

kendricksawesome · 25/01/2019 17:44

I used to go with my Mum. I'd be in the same room, she'd just have the curtain around her when they did it. What's the big deal? If she wants to go, let her.

My mum used to ask me because she felt a bit scared to go on her own and wanted someone in the room she trusted. Nothing wrong with that at all. Don't leave her in the waiting room. I used to hate that cos any old man could wander up to me and have a chat. I'd rather have been with mum. So go for it.

KindredSpirit1 · 25/01/2019 17:44

I think it’s a very good idea. It’s not like you are yanking your daughter’s head down to within an inch of your vulva and saying “Watch and learn girl”. She has shown an interest and curiosity and I cannot see how knowing how your body works is harmful. I know smear tests are not the best things to have (nor are prostate examinations) but as the ads say, don’t die of embarrassment.

foxinthemist · 25/01/2019 17:45

She's pubescent! She should know how a woman's body works as she has periods or will do quite soon.

A valid point - but not sure that seeing her stepmums vagina helps with any of that.

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 25/01/2019 17:45

I would be totally fine with this! You learn behaviour from your parents! I’m a much more physically confident and secure woman because my mother was very open with me growing up!

My mum went with me to my first smear last year! Sat on the other side of a little curtain but was in the same room! I was nervous- she’s my mum...it’s what you do!

Wholovesorangesoda · 25/01/2019 17:45

I'm not sure either really. I dont think its necessarily a bad thing, but like a PP I find them very unpleasant and uncomfortable and think I'd probably put her off them if anything!

Sparklyhousedust · 25/01/2019 17:46

I got called for my 1st smear at 19 as standard practice (am 44).
I don’t see an issue with the OPs plan in theory but I don’t know if i’d do it🤷🏻‍♀️

noandnoagain · 25/01/2019 17:46

Take her. I went always (but then in Germany you go to the gynaecologist from 16 every year anyway) and it is important to learn that it really is no big deal. The whole fuss about it is at best stupid, even worse, it costs lives.

bubbling · 25/01/2019 17:47

It's no big deal, and demonstrates to her that it is, in fact, no big deal! (But very important to actually have)

Ridiculous responses suggesting otherwise! If we were all a little more open and less repressed about subjects like these, you wouldn't have women refusing to go out of embarrassment.

TheQueef · 25/01/2019 17:48

Haven't rtft.
On Victoria Derbyshire this morning was a live smear, Chloe had a smear on air.
Take the mystery out and normalise it.

JinglingHellsBells · 25/01/2019 17:49

you are all coming to the party rather late.

OP had it done yesterday morning.

DD went and sat in room, outside the cubicle.

She could have watched it on telly this morning instead! Victoria Derbyshire Prog

sophe · 25/01/2019 17:50

Good grief, of course she should not come into the surgery with you. She can wait in the waiting room but that sort of intimate examination is not for the spectating of one's children.

It is totally weird that you would think it OK, and totally potty of the medical profession if they allowed it.

PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2019 17:50

It is totally weird that you would think it OK, and totally potty of the medical profession if they allowed it.

They did allow it.

DrSeuss · 25/01/2019 17:51

Oh my God!!!!! You want to teach a girl about her body and what needs to be done to keep it healthy?!!!! You want to show her that a smear test is a quick, easy way to prevent yourself dying of cancer?!!!!!

How very dare you!

I am a teacher and have been asked about smears by teenage girls. I told them what it involves, why you should do it and that, while it's not exactly a fun day out, it's not so scary and beats the alternative. I will tell my own daughter the same when she is older. I would have no problem with her observing the process.
And as for a smear test being a "violation", it surely prevents far worse.

Purplerain1985 · 25/01/2019 17:51

YANBU The nurse can put the curtain around you to save any embarrassment. My middle DS is 13 and I wouldn’t have a problem with it?.Why are people so freaked by this,it’s very important that she realises it’s not awful and is very important to do so. Go for it OP Smile

PlantsArePeopleToo · 25/01/2019 17:51

The OP has already had her smear test and allowed her daughter into the room.

Read the thread people!

Rebecca75red · 25/01/2019 17:51

Because kids don’t get cancer??!!

Purplerain1985 · 25/01/2019 17:52

My dd I meant. Silly predictive text ha.

Dillydallyer · 25/01/2019 17:52

What on Earth is wrong with you people?! She’s 12! She’s probably about to start her periods, if she hasn’t already. She’ll know what sex is. Why is a smear test so taboo? It’s life saving. If she wants to go and understands what it is then let her go. I think it’s fantastic that she wants to be prepared for it. I hope my daughter feels the same once she gets older. I would happily take her along.

SardineJam · 25/01/2019 17:52

I think it's a great idea, I wish my DM had been more open about things than me finding out (sometimes the hard way!) and not having anyone to ask questions of!

urbansprawl · 25/01/2019 17:53

Bravo OP. You and your DD both sound very sensible and I admire your relationship.

kitty85 · 25/01/2019 17:54

I think it's a good idea it will give her a better understanding about how normal it is to have a smear test and possibly take away the mystery and fear of having one herself when she's older

Purplerain1985 · 25/01/2019 17:55

Clearly I’ve skimmed through as very tired. Obviously you’ve been,Still don’t see any issue whatsoever.

PurpleDaisies · 25/01/2019 17:55

I told them what it involves, why you should do it and that, while it's not exactly a fun day out, it's not so scary and beats the alternative.

For you. For women who have suffered sexual abuse or for whom smears are very painful, it is “so scary”.

We shouldn’t be judging women for making an informed choice not to have a smear based on their personal risk and what they want to happen to their body.