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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow dd12 to attend my smear test?

779 replies

Toomanychefs · 24/01/2019 00:39

I have my smear test tomorrow. Mentioned it to dd and she asked if she could come with me. I said yes, of course, but dp thinks I'm totally out of order.
So not to drip feed, my dm is a cervical cancer survivor, my smears are always clear, dd has just had her hpv jab at school.
Dps ex wife has never had a smear test as she's 'too private and doesn't want to be violated'
My thoughts are, 'get her to realise its not a big deal so she has no problem going for hers'
Dp says I'm going to scar her for life.
She's not going to be standing at the end of the bed watching the intricate detail (although I'd happily allow her to if it meant she'd realise the importance)
Aibu?

OP posts:
Mountainsoutofmolehills · 24/01/2019 18:45

lether come. I think this is great, if she wants to come, it's much better to be informed and serious about life, you may have a budding health practioner in the making!!!!!! Ignore your husband.

Rowgtfc72 · 24/01/2019 19:26

howabout, I work 6-2 so can only attend afternoon surgery which starts at half four. This will be the first year dd will be able to be left home alone. She will probably still come with me though. We have quite an open relationship with regards to bodies but we do have boundaries. Toilet and bedroom doors closed when necessary etc.
A smear test is not something I would feel the need to hide.

Leelaseye · 24/01/2019 19:26

Wow to all the pearl clutching and posters repeatedly coming back to make snide remarks Hmm

OP's dd came away with the knowledge that a smear test is generally not a big deal. How is that a bad thing?

Dungeondragon15 · 24/01/2019 20:59

I think that people only thought it a "big deal" when because it seemed OPs DD was actually going to watch the smear. Now it seems she was behind the curtain it isn't inappropriate but it is fairly pointless. Yes, she may now realise is it a quick procedure and her mother isn't scared but she could have got that from just sitting in the waiting room. It won't tell her that it isn't painful which is a good job because sometimes it is!

BeardedMum · 24/01/2019 21:01

I think its a good idea

Bobbybear10 · 24/01/2019 21:09

@NutElla5x

Her daughter learned that there was nothing to fear Bobbybear, I don't think it was intended as a biology lesson.

Really, did she? it’s amazing her DD has X-ray vision! She’s a medical miracle.

Here was me thinking that the DD needed to actually see what was going on to know if there was anything to fear or not.
I imagine sitting behind a curtain perhaps mystifies it even more, bit like a magician.

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 24/01/2019 21:11

Actually I think it's a fine idea. It's not traumatic to watch and letting her see that it's a quick five minute procedure professionally done is a good lesson.

Whereartthouname · 24/01/2019 21:12

A 12 year old just gave birth in WA... so yes id let my 12 year old daughter come in with me if i needed to have them.. i dont anymore tho i will stress the importance to my girl when she is old enough to need them

AppleBlossomArseCheeks · 24/01/2019 21:17

I don't see what's wrong with taking her. The reason people are so stuck up and its so taboo is because no one talks about or ignores their reminders when it's such an important thing to do and also treat as a routine appointment and letting your daughter come along breaks the taboo and the fear that so many have all for a 5 minute slightly uncomfortable process that saves many lifes. Yanbu but some posters are lol

Gemmamb · 24/01/2019 21:19

I think this is a great idea, as long as she is not watching at the end of the bed what is the harm. She will see your face and that it’s quick easy and painless so when she is older and has to have them herself she won’t be afraid to go as it will be normal to her. I’m going to do this with my daughter when she reaches the appropriate age x

CandleConcerto · 24/01/2019 21:24

Of course she can!

She’s not going to be staring at your cervix. My 5yr old came and read a book. I didn’t have child care and I knew it was too important to wait.

Thurmanmurman · 24/01/2019 21:24

I actually think it’s a good idea. She’s asked to come, it’s not like you’re forcing her and she can see it’s no big deal so hopefully won’t be scared to go herself when she’s older.

NutElla5x · 24/01/2019 21:24

Here was me thinking that the DD needed to actually see what was going on to know if there was anything to fear or not.

Nope. She just needed to see that her mother was calm,relaxed and unhurt.

Burpsandfustles · 24/01/2019 21:29

I too think it's a great idea.

We need to be more open about all this, watching it at business end! No. Being just behind curtain... Fine.

Infact I'm going to ask if my dc can come too. I'd rather they were in with me than sat being coughed over in the waiting room

Dieu · 24/01/2019 21:31

Why oh why oh why?
It's great that you're doing all you can to increase her awareness, and make her unfazed by eventually having smears of her own.
However it is utter madness to take her along, and wholly unnecessary. She may say that she wants to do it, out of curiosity, but she definitely won't be glad she did.

CandleConcerto · 24/01/2019 21:42

What am I missing? There’s a curtain. It takes a few minutes. How is it different to a normal appointment?

Smotheroffive · 24/01/2019 22:55

I have no idea where the benefit is of going but staying behinthe curtain!? I don't see the point frankly, I really thought the big ask was about her being witness to it. Wasn't that the point, to see the procedure?

Confused
CandleConcerto · 24/01/2019 22:56

Oh right. Okay. Bit different.

Bobbybear10 · 24/01/2019 23:13

@NutElla5x

Here was me thinking that the DD needed to actually see what was going on to know if there was anything to fear or not.

Nope. She just needed to see that her mother was calm,relaxed and unhurt.

Do you think the nurses use net fucking curtains NutElla? Do you actually know how curtains work?
How do you imagine the DD saw her mother was calm and relaxed, she certainly couldn’t see because SHE WAS BEHIND A FUCKING CURTAIN so I imagine it must have been telepathic.

As for if it hurt, her mother could’ve been gushing blood and passed out or the nurse and her could’ve been having a quick bevvie, the DD wouldn’t have had a fucking clue because again there was a curtain in the way.

BetsyBigNose · 24/01/2019 23:29

@Toomanychefs - Good for you! YANBU AT ALL.

My eldest DD is nearly 12 and we talk openly about all things body-related and I would happily bring her along to my next smear test (if she wanted to go - or specifically asked to, as your daughter did).

It demystifies the process, shows them there is nothing to be scared of and that it doesn't hurt. I think that having been to yours with you, she's far more likely than many others to phone up and book her first smear test as soon as she gets an invite - and that can only be a good thing.

My Mum is a Practice Nurse and does smear tests most days and says it's really not that unusual for Mums to bring along their children, although she's not had anyone bring a son older than about 7!

I'm really surprised at the negative responses on here - say (for example), you took on a badly neglected 10 year old boy as a foster child and he'd never been to the Dentist before. Obviously he needs to go at some point but he's likely to be scared, not know what to expect and whether it will hurt or not. The best way that you can encourage him into the examination chair is to sit in it yourself first and let the Dentist look at your teeth - I really don't see how this is any different (apart from the fact that you're less likely to feel compelled to brush your teeth directly before a smear test... Grin)

beck3001 · 24/01/2019 23:37

Mirrivan

No, you're right, it doesn't prevent cancer but it could prevent someone having to face cancer as it can identify anything that could become cancerous before it does.
I should have worded better

Ribbonsonabox · 24/01/2019 23:40

Yanbu I think it's a good idea if she wanted to go. She will see that you are calm whilst having it done and it will prevent her from being scared of having her own done later on.

HarrysPoorFoot · 24/01/2019 23:45

I wouldn't have let DD come to mine but only because I find them painful and they sometimes make me bleed. Not the reassuring message I want to send! If I didn't have those issues and she wanted to come, then why not.

PurpleDaisies · 24/01/2019 23:48

It demystifies the process, shows them there is nothing to be scared of and that it doesn't hurt.

For some people it does hurt. Pretending it never hurts isn’t helpful.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/01/2019 08:03

It demystifies the process, shows them there is nothing to be scared of and that it doesn't hurt.

How is it demystified if she was sitting behind a curtain. She didn't see a thing!! How would it tell her that it doesn't hurt? Because her mother didn't scream in agony?!

I'm really surprised at the negative responses on here

Are you really surprised that many people think it inappropriate for a 12 year old to watch a cervical smear? I appreciate that didn't happen in the end and she sat behind a curtain but as above I don't see how that achieved anything. It could have made the whole thing seem more mysterious and it didn't tell her there was no pain (a good job as it can hurt).